Friday, August 3, 2012

Lower The Curtain. Raise The House Lights.

About five and a half years ago, I was dabbling with blogging using personas different than my own (for reasons that I don't really remember anymore). On a whim, I tried writing a couple of posts from the point of view of the character I was playing in this video game some friends had introduced me to a couple months earlier. For whatever reason, it just clicked for me, and a collection of pixels suddenly came to life in my head, with his own distinct personality, goals, and mannerisms.

Over the years, much has changed. Other characters in game have taken over much of my playing time; some of these developed into characters in their own right, and some did not. Guilds have come and gone. Other blogs I read have come and gone. Readers of this blog have come and gone. One day a reader sent me a short letter thanking me for cheering her up on days when she felt down and a month later, because she is the most awesomest person in the world, I asked her to marry me. And, because she is also the insanest person in the world, she said yes.

But through it all, Ratshag has stayed Ratshag. Slightly more refined and experienced, perhaps, but still tough, loyal, horny, not all that bright, and marching to the beat of a drummer who is very much his own. And now, after a much much longer time than I ever expected this to last, I am ready to say goodbye to him and find new and different outlets for my creative impulses. So yesterday I sent him off just as he would have wanted: shouting defiance in the face of overwhelming odds, and taking the fluggernubber down with him. Enjoy Valhalla, old friend - you've more than earned it.

Don't really know yet what directions my newly-freed creative juices will flow in, exactly, but I'm hoping to do some longer fiction writing in universes where the story isn't constrained by a video game company's motivation to maximize profit. I'd also like to get back into photography, and maybe even start drawing characters again. We shall see. Hopefully, there will be a lot more activity at my writing site and my tumblr. And if not? I'm okay with that.

I'd like to close by saying that it has been an absolute joy to share this journey with all of you. I wish you all the very best, in whatever form that takes.


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Cataclysm: Madness



Well, that bitesss.

But Thrall said he had a new plan, and that was good, becausse he never had a bad idea. Except for, you know, trussting Hellscream. And then putting his son in charge of the Northrend expedition. And then putting him in charge of the entire Horde, ssso he could run off to shaman camp and get laid. Yup. We're all gonna die.

So we all piled on the Alliance sship, which ssomehow flew along just fine despite only having four little thrusstersss keeping it up, and chased after Deathwing. The plan was for Thrall and the asspects to stay on the sship and charge up the Dragon Soul again and drink tea while Rattersss and the rest of us parachuted onto the dragon'ss back and ripped off the elementium plates so Thrall could get a better sshot. Obviously, it wass the plates that were the problem the lassst time and not that, say, Thrall's aim ssucked or that after thousssandss of years the Dragon Soul didn't hold a charge like it used to. Nope, had to be the platess, so we sstrapped on our parachutes. Happy happy joy joy.

Very heroic. Very insspirational. We were totess badassses in that moment, weren't we? Unfortunately, Captains Sswayze and Ka'anu sort of ... well ... misssed, and were never seen again. I suspect that at the last minute they decided that a life of ssurfing and robbing banks together made a lot more sense than, you know, fighting a flying dragon while sstanding on its back. Can't say that I blame them.

The rest of uss made onto Deathwing's back and, well, he wasn't doing too good. Open ssores, rupturing tentaclesss, corrosive ooze - it was a very nasty place to work. We had to keep ssopping our attack to mop up the blood. But we managed to pry several of his platess off just as the clouds broke and we sssaw the Maelstrom opening up below us. "Can we get the hellss out of here now?" I shouted at Ratshag over the howling wind. "Yeah, let's blow this joint," he sshouted back. We struggled back into our chutess, and jumped for one of the rocky outcroppings. Thrall plunked his magic twanger, and

The movie makes it look all dramatic and heroic. What you can't ssee is that Thrall ssshot too soon, and we weren't all clear. Fink was a little slow becausse of the wound she'd taken earlier, and was sstill getting her parachute on when Thrall cut loose. I guessss counting all the way to ten was a little too much to assk of the World's Greatesst Shaman.

But we'd done it. We'd killed the big bad, we'd ssaved the world. We were exhausted, we were bloody, and we were victoriouss. I was a happy little abomination in the eyess of nature. Thrall and the assspects came down to the little rock island where we'd landed to congratulate uss (because apparently lowering a ladder and picking us up inssstead was a bother) and tell us what wonderful heroess we were and all that stuff, when the water below us sstarted to bubble. And sssomething was coming up.

Not fair. Not. Godss. Damned. Fair.

I don't know if you could call what came up out of the ocean that afternoon "Deathwing". It was a huge, bloated thing, heaving and sssurging as the Old Godss tried to cram ten pounds of sshit into a five pound Deathwing bag. All I knew was that there oozess and tentacles and other horrorss all around us, and if we didn't desstroy them they would destroy usss. The air was full of smoke and acid, terrible even for me to experience. I don't know how my teammates, thosse who still had to breathe becausse they weren't walking dead, could even function. But slowly we sstemmed the tide, and began to push our way forward. Deathwing had collapssed against the rocks, his head on the ground, one eye glaring at us. If we could just reach him, jussst finish him off, then the tide of things bursting out of his open woundss might end.

"Pali, look out!" I heard Kinnavieve yell, but it was too late. An enormous tentacle had reared up behind her, and ssmashed her to the ground. Kinna and I ran over too her, and cut the tentacle into a quivering pile of corrupted flesh and sslime. One look, though, and it was clear her neck had been sssnapped instantly. Kinna whispered a few words and gently clossed the dead girl's eyess. Then she stood up, gripped my hand for a ssecond, and we went back to killing thingsss.

But without Palintera's sspecial druid tricks, pulling energy out of the ground to magically heal our burnsss and injuries, we began to falter. Our coordination broke down, and it devolved into everyone fighting for themsselves. I saw Maurice fall before a pack of oozess. When they moved away, all that was left was some ssmoking armor and a few bones. Through the sssmoke, I could dimly see Alayda crawling, pulling her shattered legss behind her. In the end, Ratsshag, Kinnavieve, and I made it to the monster's head, but we were alone.

"Just kill the bluggerfudder," Ratters growled. "I'll keep you clear." He was bleeding from the Sshadow knows how many holes, and hisss green skin was blackened from burnss. I thought he was about to collapsse, but he pulled up something, ssome reserve from deep insside him, and let out a roar, and sstarted swinging at the thingss pressing in on us, driving them back. Kinna and I attacked the dragon's neck, me with my axe and dagger, her with her big-ass ssword, trying to sever it and kill him once and for all before the big guy gave out. But it wass so tough, sso armored, and my armss were so tired. We'd come close, so close, but it wasn't enough, we were going to fail. In my head, I curssed everyone that had sset the path that led me to this place. Kel'thuzad and Arthas, Mograine and the Sscarlet Crusade, the Old Gods, the Titanss who had abandoned us, the assspectss who'd run off who-knows-where, the Warchief and the King who had ssent their armies to fight each other in placess like the Barrens and Tol Barad. I cursed them all to the deepesst hell.

I spared a glance back at Ratshag. He had sstumbled, was down on one knee, holding a burning sshield up to block the blows being rained down by a big rock elemental. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him die alone. I was going to die anyway - we all were. At leassst I could go out fighting, not hacking usselesssly against Deathwing's neck. So I ran to his sside. I swung at the elemental with what little sstrength I had left, trying to find the vulnerable bands of energy that held it's sstones together.

And for an instant I distracted it. And in that instant, the orc sstood up. He dropped his ruined shield and axe, and grabbed the elemental with both handss. Somehow, amazingly, he lifted it up over his head. Turning to face Deathwing, he shouted "DROVE YER VOLCANO INTA THE WRONG FLUGGERNUBBIN' HOUSE, DIDN'T YA?!?", and charged.

There was a loud Crack! as he drove the rockss into the Destroyer's skull like a battering ram, and the sskull gave way. Then a Whump! as all the force the Old Gods had sstuffed into him was suddenly releasssed. The force of it knocked me through the air, bony half-rotted ass over teacupss. When I stood up again, it was over. The tentacles and oozess and elementals were dead, dissintegarting, lifeless. Deathwing's headless corpsse was slowly sssliding back down into the ocean. All that remained of his head was the bent and mangled metal jaw the dwarvess had forged for him. That, and a thousand commingled piecess of dragon and orc ssstrewn across the landscape.

I walked over and sat down next to Kinnavieve. Sshe was curled in a ball, her sword abandoned a few feet away, sssobbing wretchedly. "I, I, I, I tried, I, I, oh Mouse...." was all sshe could get out. Awkwardly, I put my arm around her. For the first time in all the years I've known her, she didn't flinch away from me. I guess sshe was too damned exhausted. I know I was. A little ways off, the assspects and Thrall were talking, something about a new world order, and how great it wass that Thrall's girlfriend was knocked up. It didn't make much sense, but neither had anything elsse that day. Madnesss, all madnessss.

At the edge of our rocky island, the Alliance airsship had finally returned and lowered a ladder. As the ssmoke cleared, I could see some movement among the rockss and rotting remains of the thingss. At least a couple of our teammates had sssurvived the fight as well. "C'mon Kinna," I said, pulling myself to my feet and extending her my hand. "Let'ss go find our friends, and go home."

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Church Of "Holy Light"? Ya Sure?

Grundy Macgraff (Dwarf priest)

Father Inigo Montoy (Human priest)

Grand Inquisitor Isillien (Priest, Scarlet Crusade)

The Black Bishop (Background unknown)

Archbishop Benedictus (Supreme human religious leader)

Corruption. Everywhere, at every level. Demons, Lichs, Faceless Ones. The institution been rotten ta the core fer years, and not in a "we's gonna take yer donations and buy our girlfriend a new car" way, but rathers a "we's gonna destroy the world" way. An' you trust these buggers with yer immortal souls?

Pffft. You's crazy fluggernubbers.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Cataclysm: The Siege


I am Danger Mouse. I am Forssaken.

We met on the road to Wyrmrest - Ratters and the resst of us Hordies riding in from Venomssspite  in the East, Kinnavieve leading the Alliance team from Starss' Rest in the West. We both sstopped, looking at each other. Would this actually work? Sssure, we could all hang out together in neutral cities like Shattrath, drinking beer and ssinging songss, but could we really trust each other out here in the wilderness, armed and nervous? Then Ratters got off his noisy ssmoke-belching machine and walked over to Kinnavieve, who dropped down from her charger. They exchanged some words, too quiet for any of us to hear, then he tilted his head back and laughed that deep, rumbling laugh of hiss. Sshe threw her arms around him, and he hugged her back, lifting her feet right off the ground. They held each other for a few minutes, the rest of us quietly ssstanding, watching, unwilling to intrude. Then he set her back on the ground, they both laughed again, and we all came together, Hordiess and Alliance, smiling laughing and backslapping and hugging.

We were a Team. We had a job to do and nothing was going to sstop us. This crazy plan of Ratterss' was going to work.

It had too.

As we got closer to the tower, we gathered up ssome of the shattered remains of the Accord's outer perimeter, scattered like leavess after the Twilight Hammer's surprissse attack. We could here the battle now - drakes sscreaming as they fell from the sky, the deep crunch of rocks striking the dragons' citadel. We fell into a wedge formation - Ratsshag at the point, with Kinnavieve and Alayda beside him, the rest of us sword and axe types on the wingsss, and the casters protected in the center. The Wyrmresst Accord people did whatever it was losers did behind uss - they were not my concern.

The Twilight asssault was divided into three campss, and we fell upon the southern one - Deathwing's rock elementals - with fire and fury. They had no idea we were coming, and nothing breakss down into chaos and confusion like an army of elementals caught by ssurprise. They shattered before us, breaking and running. The Sshadow drank deep that day as we sslew hundredsss of them. The leader of the elementals, a big fucker named Morchok, tried to rally them, but we were having none of it. We drove our wedge sstraight through the remaining elementalss, and Ratshag's axe removed Morchok's head from his sshoulders.

The two remaining forces, both led by ancient facelesss ones, were prepared for us, but it made no difference.  Oozess, tentaclesss, faceless ones, they all fell before our blades. The leaders taunted us, sshouting in their elder tongue that we couldn't understand, but nevertheless ssomehow left doubts whisspering in our heads. We took casualties: Fink suffered a nassty gash to her leg, and Alayda was burned by an ooze that managed to knock her down, but both of them were able to pussh on. In the end, both warlords were dead, and the ssiege was broken. We'd fucking done it.

But it wassn't over. As Thrall and the Aspects were doing whatever it was they needed to do to charge the Dragon Ssoul, Deathwing played one last card to try to ssnatch victory from defeat. Ultraxion, a huge twilight dragon, dove out of the ssky and crashed onto the peak of the tower. "Don't let him reach the Asspects", shouted Kinnavieve. "Kick hisss arse!" added Ratters. He and Maurice got in the big nasty's face, keeping him pisssed and distracted, and the rest of uss surrounded him. His hide was tough as the thickesst armor, but it wasn't enough. Our sswords and axes and lightning bolts found the weak ssspotss, and Ultraxion, possibly the largest dragon ever to fly the skies of Azeroth, came up sshort. "But...but...I am...Ul...trax...ionnnnnn..." he wheezed as he sshuddered, twitched, and slowly sslid of the edge of the parapet to plummet to the frozen ssurface of Dragonblight.

And then the Aspectss stepped back as Thrall held the Dragon Soul over hisss head. It must have been fully charged, for it wass crackling with energy, tiny lightning bolts ssizzling over its ssurface and coursing up Thrall's arms. He aimed it at Deathwing, still circling the tower, and a blasst of white light shot out, straight for the Desstroyer's heart.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Melee Warlock FTW

Warlocks ain't got time fer that "fair fight" hogwashilization. Hit him in the back of the head with a big wrench while he's busy fightin' Harrison Jones? Works fer Ellspeth.

An' yeah, she copped a feel while he were all dazed an' confuzzled after.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Monday, July 23, 2012

At Long Last, Our Kitchen Nightmare Is Over

Results from the last poll be in, an' the Swedish Chef done trounced Gordon Ramsay, 103 ta 20. Börk Börk Börk!

This week we done continued the food theme, with a showdown between two fast food classics. No, not thems. No, thems neither. Ya wanna know, go check out the poll in the sidebar.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Guess Who Else Gonna Be Walkin' In The Next Expansion

What with Pali done pickin' up the Phoenix Hatchling a few days ago, is time fer ta leave that glunkerthudder Kael'thas be. Next beeyatch what gonna give it up fer Team Ratshag: Skadi the Clueless.

Friday, July 20, 2012

DIY Raid Attunement Experiences

Seen a lotta talks on the interwebbies lately about whethers or not Blizz should bring back raid attunements. Argumentings for includes they felt epic, they brings buggers tagether, an' they shows what ya know how fer ta play yer class. Argumentings against includes they actually didn't do none of them things, an' they was as fun an' productive as gettin' yer left foot gnawed off by a 82-year-old demented nun. Now, is clear Blizz ain't bringin'em back, no matters how loud some buggers howl, but we here at Need More Rage wants everybodies ta enjoy they's gamin' experience. So we's done come up with a series of tasks fer ta replicate the epic feel of them experiences. Fer full affect, make everyone in yer guild do them before lettin'em come ta any more raids.

Fer all experiences, pick yerself up a good fantasy novel. Don't matter which one, but one of the better WoW novels might feel thematicallies better. Also, all groups should be assemblified without usin' LFR, an' travels should be done without a flyin' mount.

The Karazhan Attunement Experience:

Read page 1 of yer novel.

Go ta that cave in Southwest Twilight Highlands. Kill everything. Wait fer thems ta re-spawn. Kill them all again.

Read the next page.

Go talk ta Ranger Valanna (Horde) or Scout Jorli (Alliance).

Read three more pages.

Put tagether a group fer ta run Grim Batol. Drop group just before the first boss.

Put tagether a group fer ta run Lost City. Drop group after the first boss.

Put tagether a group fer ta run ZA. Drop group just before Daakara.

Read the next page.

Put tagether a group fer ta run HoR. Kill all the bosses. If'n ya wipe, reset the dungeon an' start over.

Read the next page.

Go to Shattrath.

Is big hairy Congo rats! Yer attuned!

The Black Temple Attunement Experience:

Read page 1 of Chapter 2.

Finish all the quests in Uldum.

Read the next page.

Complete the Cipher of Damnation quest in line in Shadowmoon Valley. Ya, I know is old content. Suck it up, buttercup.

Read the next page.

Run the three Hour of Twilight heroics.

Read the next page.

Assemble a twenty-five man raid. Run the following raids in heroic mode, in order:

Blackwing Descent
Bastion of Twilight
Throne of the Four Fluggernubbin' Winds

If'n at any point, someone drops outta the raid, find a replacement an' start over.

Is big hairy Congo rats! Yer attuned!

The Onyxia Attunement Experience (Horde version):

Read page 1 of Chapter 3.

Run ZG. Afters, roll a five-sided die. If'n ya gets a "1", move on. Otherwise, run it again.

Read the next page.

Run Grim Batol. Drop group afters killin' the first boss.

Read the next page.

Max out yer archeology skill.

Read the next page.

Run Grim Batol. Drop group afters killin' the second boss.

Read the next page.

Solo Karazhan, up to Shade of Aran.

Leave Kara, an' travel ta Silithus. Don't use yer flyin' mount.

Read the next page.

Go back ta Kara an finish soloin' it, includin' Chess.

Read the next page.

Solo Onyxia. Mebbe bring one friend.

Read the next page.

Max out archeology on an alt.

Read the next page.

Run Grim Batol. Kill all the bosses.

Is big hairy Congo rats! Yer attuned!

The Onyxia Attunement Experience (Alliance version):

Read page 1 of Chapter 4.

Run Grim Batol. Kill all the bosses.

Read the next page.

Watch a movie in where some giant alien / monster / Republican lobbyist smashes up a city real bad. Like mebbe Transformers.

Is big hairy Congo rats! Yer attuned!

An' there ya go. All the epicness of the originals, withouts all the needin' fer Blizz ta lose they's minds an' bring attunements back. Enjoy!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Is Where Sailors Is Lazy

Seriouslies? Is Horde warships, Alliance warship, an' a pirate ship all withins shoutin' distance of they's others. But what is they doin'?

Nuthin'. Not a thing. They's just swabbin' they's decks an' swashin' they's buckles, waitin' fer the glubberfubbin' infantry fer ta show up an' do they's dirty work. Lazy gits.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

I Don't Exactlies Get Star-Struckified....

It just ain't consistent with me characterizations. But the Blog Azeroth Shared Topic this week (put up by Dragonray) be:
Are you starstruck by anyone? Does someone in the community respond to a post or a tweet and get you all speechless because they actually responded? Is there anyone you are waiting to have respond directly to you? Is there someone that you would like to chat to, but are too chicken? Am I the only one who puts other bloggers on a pedestal?
and I felt likes sayin' sumthin'. You buggers has been warned.

Now, four-five years ago, I were workin' me way through the process of growin' from an orcling with a silly pointless blog ta bein' an amazingly virile orc warrior with a silly pointless blog. The WoW blogosphere was the Wild Wild West back then, an' we was all stumblin' around tryin' fer ta figger out what it all meant. Now, like I said, I don't get starstruck 'cause I's bumpernuddin' Ratshag, but along the way was several bloggerbuggers what helped me out with advicifyin' and encouragements, eithers fer adventurin', or bloggin', or both. Is prolly gonna leave out some, 'cause fuhggit I cain't be bothered fer ta remember the details, but here be those what be droppin' outta me brain (in no particular orders):

Tami from The Egolicious Priest
Big Red KittyKat
Kirk What Never Did Get a Nickname, from Priestly Endeavors
Temerity Effin Jane. Up Yours.
Out of Mana Megan
The Mana Battery Bitch
Auzara from ChickGM
Bellwhether from 4Haelz
Leafy from Leafshine: Lust Fer Flower (Don't ask me whathell that means - is a British thing).

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Is A Quick Shoutout

Ta that troll healer in LFR the other day. I'd mention him by name, but you buggers know I cain't be bothered fer ta remember the details. Anywho, just afters I popped inta LFR, Puffin from Team Shianti asked me ta done run her through a dungeon, an' well, she done gets priority, so out I popped. But is always cool fer ta bump inta a reader, if onlies fer about twenty seconds. Hope yer run went good, bro!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

No Fluggernubbin Time Fer Jumperlubbin' Sergeants

You was as decent a bugger as they come, Andy. I'll check in on Mayberry from time ta time fer ya, make sure nobody done gets up ta mischief.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

And On The Eighth Day, The Light Spaketh:


And I sez, "Yeah, that'd be me, chief."


Mechano-hogs is gonna be account wide? Hells yeah is time fer ta make me one. Still costs about 15k with a bit of guild bank ninjafyin', but pffft.

And the chance fer ta be irreverent with a deity? That be on the house.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Monday, June 25, 2012

BRB, Gotta Go Save The World: Kinnavieve

My Dearest David,

Light willing, everything will be over tomorrow. It has been a year since I left home to fight the Twilight's Hammer. I went to protect you and little Bolvar. I went to defend our kingdom. I went to stop those who wanted to destroy our world. There were all noble, honorable reasons to go to war, and you and I both pretended that that was all. But there was another reason, the one neither of us could bear to mention at the time.

My face is still as burned and ravaged as it was the morning I tried to face Deathwing at the city gates. My right ear is still gone, my nose is still a flattened, shapeless lump, my mouth is still twisted into a grimace. It is a horror to look at, there is no denying. I cannot blame you for flinching when you looked at me - I am sure I would have too. But I realize now that it was wrong of me not to give you time, time to adjust. I should have had more faith in you and in your love for me. But I was weak, afraid that you would always be disgusted, and ashamed that you were disgusted. And so I ran away. I may have fought Nefarian and Cho'gall and Ragnaros in their inner sanctums, but I was still running away.

But I'm done with that now. I will be coming home soon, and I will beg your forgiveness for not trusting in you. I promise you that I will give you all I have, do all I can to rebuild our life together. And I will be as strong as you need me to be, no matter what. I am your Kinnavieve, and I will love you with all my heart, and I will give you however long you need, and help you learn not to be ashamed.

All my love,

ps Please kiss Bolvar for me, and tell him his mother loves him. And that she'll be coming home soon.

Well, that's it. I've sent it. Either we'll win tomorrow, or we won't. If we don't, I guess nothing I said will matter. And if he won't take me back, then at least it will only be my world that ends.

(Editor's note: This post done makes references ta stuff what happened way back here an' here.)

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Wax On, Wax Off

Well, no dimunitive but surprisinglies wise and vorpal asian man done jumped in fer ta save him this time. The Karate Kid done got carried off ta a fate worse than death by the Creature from the Black Lagoon, 64 ta 28.

This week we done has a showdown between the two bad boys of the kitchen. Poll be over in the sidebar, as usualls.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

BRB, Gotta Go Save The World: Palintera

Hello, 'licious. How are you today? The priests tell me you got up and went for a walk in the sun yesterday, and chased the butterflies. Would you like to do that again? With me? Maybe? ....'licious?

No? Just in a sit on the bed and stare into space mood today, huh? That's okay. I would have liked to chase butterflies with you, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I understand.

Um, I gotta tell you something. You know that dragon that caused those all those earthquakes and tsunamis a while back that killed a lot of people, including almost us? The one that did ... this ... to you? Well, the other dragons, the ones who aren't all crazy and evil, they think he's about ready to do ... something ... that will finish the job. Destroy everything. They think they can stop him, use this ancient weapon to kill him, but they need help. Ratters is there, at Wyrmrest, and, well, oh goddess you'd laugh if you could hear me, he wants me there too. Well, he wants everybody on the team, and, I mean, it makes sense that he'd want veterans like Kinnavieve and Phoenicia, but he wants me too. That's bad, isn't it? That's real bad that he's asking for me...

I gotta tell you, 'licious, I'm scared. I'm really scared. I mean, I've been fighting things for years now, and I've gotten pretty good at it, but I've never done anything like this. But I'm going to go, because they need help and it looks like there's no one else. And if Deathwing destroys the world, then he'd ... he'd destroy you, and I can't let that happen. We've come too far for me to let that happen.

I've left some gold with the high priestess,  just in case I, well, you know, just in case. You wouldn't believe what people will pay for those herbs that grow off the shores of Tol Barad, and ain't nobody can farm underwater like your girl Pali can. So, no matter what happens, you'll be taken care of.

I... I gotta go now. It's time. You be good, okay? Do what these nice priests tell you to, and keep trying to find your way home, all right? I miss you. I really miss you. I wish you could come with me.




Can you hear me? Can you, maybe, give me a sign? Anything?




All right, Deathwing. Let's do this. I owe you pain, fucker.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Is High Tide At The Darkmoon Faire

Is it just me, or is the water done gettin' higher? Anybody got a stick we can use as a marker? Wherefuhg be Christopher Robbin when ya needs him?

Monday, June 11, 2012

BRB, Gotta Go Save The World

Any you buggers remember a big-arsed glubbernudder name of Archimonde? Him an' his crew done partied the everlivin' crap outta Old Dalaran, then headed up Hyjal way. What happened to him? The orc an' human warchiefs, Thrall an' Jaina, along with Cairne an' Tyrande took they's forces, along with a buncha Vol'jin's lads, grouped up, an' knocked his punk arse down. Was the free peoples of Azeroth, an' they's leaders, against the demons an' undeads. An' they fuhggin' saved the world.

What we got now? Coupla dingleberries, Garrosh an' Varian, what be more interested in wavin' they's tallywhackers in each others' faces than they is in fightin' the real big bad. Commitin' they's best troops ta fight over a abandonized prison complex? Blowin' the mission fer ta send yer fighters ta chase after dwarves like a dog what sees a squirrel? Gimme a fuhggin' break. Meanwhiles, Deathwing sacks Stormwind, his minions burn Org, Azeroth dang near falls inta Deepholm, the big guy cruises the world toastin' anythin' what he catches in the open. I tried tellin' Garrosh he was worryin' 'bout the wrong dupperthunkers, an' he should be focusin' on how fer ta stop that dragon, but he weren't interested. 'Course, I mebbe could been a little more diplomatic, 'stead of tellin' him ta get them kodo droppins outta his skull or haul his cowardly hick arse back ta Nagrand, but I weren't feelin' none too charitables after watchin' the Earthen Ring's best and bravest buy the farm so's me and Thrall could deliver the Dragon Soul ta Wyrmrest. Kinnavieve done talked ta King Doofus, but she didn't have no more lucks with him neither.

Well, fuhg'em.

I done spent the past five years not onlies sharpifyin' me skills, but buildin' up a team of misfits an' loose cannons what know how ta fight. We ain't pretty, we ain't famous, we ain't the sort ya bring home ta mother. Unless mom works in some stinkhole in Booty Bay, servin' Uncle Bonechomper's Day-Old Piss ta retired pirates an' washed-out Shattrath cops, then ya mebbe ya does. But I digressifies. Me point is, we know what ta do when there be a dragon what needs killin'. Ya don't go struttin' aroun' town in yer Abercrombie & Mammoth outfit, talkin' 'bout how yer a bigger badarse than that dude in that other place. No, ya go kill the dragon. Or die tryin'. 'Cause someone's gotta.

As me man Hans Gruber woulda said, "Due ta the Twilight Hammer's Legacy of doin' the nasty with elder gods, tryin' fer ta destroy the world, an' drivin' volcanoes through the houses of amazinly virile orcs, they's about ta be taught a lesson in the real use of rage. You buggers will be witnesses."

Friday, June 1, 2012

Is Friday Night Drunken Gamifyin'

Ratshag: What be the name of thish game?
Kinnavieve: Thumper!
Ratshag: Whyfuhg we playin'?
Maurice: To get drunk? ...hic!
Ratshag: I sezh, whyfuhg we playin'?
Danger Mouse: To get really fucked up!
Ratshag: Who playsh this here game?
Palintera: Thumperbuggers! ...hic!

/gesture /point
/gesture /gesture /point
/gesture /gesture /gesture /point
/gesture /gesture /gesture /gesture /point
/gesture /gesture /gesture /gesture /gesture /point
/gesture /gesture /gesture /gesture /gesture /gesture /point
/gesture /gesture /gesture /gesture Crap! /drink

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Yeah Is Past Time Fer A New Poll

So, last time we done did this, Superman showed what he also be the Man of Biphase Carbide, handily whuppin' the Ogre Mark V 68 ta 27. Now we got a new poll up, dredged up from the murky depths of that gray lumpy thing what I calls me brain. It be over on the sidebar, as per usuals.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Ha Ha! Joke's On You!

Good goin', Mister Core Hound. If'n you weren't so dumbs, you'd done realize what this here be the silliest debuff fer ta throw at ol' Ratters. Reducifyin' by half of not too fuhggin' much means hardlies nuthin' at all. So there!

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I's Just A Simple Orc...

... so I got no fluggerblunkin' clue what this here anonymoose comment be talkin' about:

Reduce it really is be getting pause, no more than I'm not much of quite frankly individual grown ups in all areas of thriving feature take their brains towards considered that people are headed each and every double-dip recession, Mityas described. He or she the well-known, but with, that actually just in case people type of analyzing very good double-dip shortcoming, a luxury scientific you'll see the original to very much glance at the distress the particular when baby deaths flows dicing opulence starts having lessen. Saks incurred folks an actual combined with angered really separate different kinds a huge in a position to disadvantaged compared to runs a huge moving say $ 70 per-cent within the fail of varied Lehman littermates the duration of .

It all sound very importants, though.

Dirty Ratters

I knows what yer thinkin'. "Did he done slaughter six thousand pirates, or onlies five?" Ya know, in all the excitement, I kinda lost track meself. But seein' as yer standin' in a pile of what used ta be yer friends, an' I's twenty yards away with Charge off cooldown, an' as you only gots 1100 health an' this here be a Axe of the Tauren Chieftains wit' a full Nightfall mog, the most powerfuls pre-raid PvE axe in Azeroth, an' it will take yer scraggly head clean off, you jus' gotta ask yerself one thing: "Self, does I feel lucky?" Well, does ya, pirate?

Naw, I's jus' playin with ya. You ain't lucky.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Is Where It Be A Bad Fuggin' Time Ta Be A Pirate

So, the other day I was up in Everlook, sittin' with Bozz Frammerwhizzle, the local muckety-muck, an' drinkin' some Uncle Bonechomper's Day Old Piss, when I sez ta him,

"Hey, Bozz? We been doin' business tagethers now an' then fer what? over five years now? So how's come yer shopkeepers is only givin' me a 10% discount, insteada, say, 20%?"

"Well, Ratshag," he wheezed. "It's not that we aren't Honored to have you in our modern metropolis, but the 20% discounts need to be earned and, well, I'm afraid you just aren't there yet."

"Great googly moogly, I done done every flupperjubbin' mission what needs doin' here. Ain't no more buggers with yellow thingydoodles floatin' over they's heads. So what hell ya more wants me ta do?"

He done gave me a sly look. "You could ... maybe ... kill some pirates for us?"

Pirates. Always gotta be the damn pirates, when yer dealin' with these Steamwheedle goblins. They hates the competition. "Um, dude...." I sez, lookin' around. "We's in the mountains. There ain't no pirates, just yetis and them furbloggers."

"Oh, no, not here," sez Frammerwhizzle with a dismissive wave. "But if you could see your way to kill a few down by Booty Bay, that would do. I owe the Baron a favor, you see."

I shruggifalized. Booty Bay. Is some good horizontal refreshments down that way. "Okay," I sez. "'Bout how many dead pirates ya be needin'?"

"Not that many. I'd so, oh, nine thousand or so would suffice."

Nine thousand. Sure. While yer at it, pull the other one. Is got bells and jingly monkey paws on it. Nine glubbernunkin' thousand. It ain't what I cain't do it, seein' as I's amazingly virile an' all, but where hell I gonna find me nine housand pirates, all conveniently close ta each other so I ain't got sit around fer hours waitin' fer more ta show?

But a funny thing happened, shortlies after I got there an' started doin' jobs fer the locals, whackin' the odd pirate her or there. Them pirates done launched a full-scale attack on the town, thousands of 'em crammed inta the ships holds. That's right. Thousands. An' as long as I don't tell the Baron what I killed eight of them buggers already, they's trapped in the harbor. Can't leave. Ever. Just gonna sit there an' respawn every few seconds. Sumthin' about the Pirate Code an' needin' fer ta par-lay. I cain't be bothered fer ta remember the details.

Is time fer ta unleash hell. Gonna stack them bodies like poker chips in Vegas.

Sucks ta be a pirate this week.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Where The Wild Things Be

Is a sad farewell ta the bugger what taught the Wild Things
ta Roar they's terrible Roars
and Gnash they's terrible Teeth
and Roll they's terrible Eyes
and Show they's terrible Claws

So long, bro. We'll see ya in the Night Kitchen.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Is Where Flinkalkkal Learns What A Windrunner Always Pays Her Debts

Careful, lil' mon. Dem bosses don' like ta be called short.

You t'ink questionin' her like dat be a wise move?

An' den she killed him an' we ate him, mon. He were delicious.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Well This Blows

Was many years ago I done wanted fer ta make meself a Truesilver Champion. Borgosh Corebender done sent me down ta Tanaris fer ta get a buncha wind elemental farts, 'cause they was needed. Here be what I had ta say about it at the time:

"You know, it's harder than it looks to get those elemental farts. First, you gotta find the mutherhumpers, which roam all over the desert instead of staying in one spot like good little demonic manifestations. Second, when you do find one, ya gotta kill it, and they're pretty dang tough for a gust of wind. Third, the desert is crawlin' with basilisks and hyenas and giant scorpions, which are all pretty tough themselves. Finally, once you find the thing and kill it, ya gotta real quick like catch the fart in a glass vial and put the stopper in before it escapes. But I finally figured out which sand dune the buggers were spawning on, set up my camping gear, took out every dang varmint that tried to climb on my dune, and went to work. Took about a day and a half, but I got meself four breaths of wind."

Mostlies what I remember about that weekend were the glubberfumpin' waiting.  Waitin' fer a Gusting Vortex ta show itself. Wait some more. Wait some. Okay, there be one. Kill it. Okay, go back ta waitin'.

Show imaginify me reaction when I went back ta that same damn sand dune as part of me archeologifyin', an' I done saw this:

Yup, was Vortices Gustalatin' all overs the fluggerbugger. I coulda gotten me me four farts in like twenty minutes. If'n I still wanted'em. Which I don't no more, 'cause I already got'em.

Great Googly Moogly.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

If'n Ratters Was A Blizzard Non-Combat Pet Designer

Here's me suggestions fer some new pets ta add ta the game, fer the pit fightin' what we'll be doin' when Mists of Pandemonium done go live. Is one fer each category. Feels free fer ta use these, Blizz. Is no charge.

Aquatic: the Dreaded Armored Squid. Just as scary as it sounds.

Beast: Lil' Hank McCoy. Has with an' without blue fur versions.

Critter: Great googly moogly, ain't there enough critters alreadies? Fine, um, Varmint. Comes in colors - Brown Varmint, Black Varmint, Red Varmint.

Dragonkin: Zebra Whelp, 'cause them vertical stripes be slimming.

Elemental: Dallop of Whipped Cream. We ain't had enough representatives from the Plane of Deserts in the game. They's pissed about gettin' left outta Cata.

Flying: Fuhg. Ya can gives one an' everything.

Humanoid: Lil' Jack Sparrow. Wait. Sorries. Lil' Cap'n Jack Sparrow.

Magic: A top hat with bunny feet stickin' out. Hops around, like.

Mechanical: Remembers that Mythbusters episode where they done used a rocket snowplow fer ta cut a car in half? Yeah, one of thems, only little. The rocket snowplow, not the bifurcalated car.

Undead: Lil' Keith Richards.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Who's Got The Right Stuff Now, Beeyatch?

So in our last poll, James Bond's tuxedo put in a solid performance, receiving 62 votes ta Chuck Yeagers's flight suit's 31 and Madonna's Egypto-Greco-Burlesquo-inspired .... thing's 17. Spiffy.

This week, we's lookin' at two of the biggest badarses evers what ain't me. Make yer choice in the sidebar, as usuals.

Sunday, April 22, 2012


Maurice: Hello, my sweet magical buttercup. I am Maurice, the Death Knight of Looove. I am here in the Halls of Reflection to find for myself some new armor for the Transmogalypse. Gauntlets, perhaps, an also some pauldrons. I know, you were expecting five heroes, but ha ha! I am heroic enough, all on my own! Perhaps, when I am finished, you and I, we could do some, how you say? Reflecting, yes that is it, reflecting of our own. I am, after all a very handsome man, dead, yes, but still most handsome. And you, you have a delightful belly, with just the right curves to satisfy a man such as myself, and surprisingly high above the ground, no? Yes? Come, my scrumptious sarsaparilla of sweet, sweet surrender, shall we not yield to the inevitable? You feel it too, do you not? The energy, the chemistry, it pulls us together, makes us yearn for one another, makes you hunger for the loving only a true man can offer. Come, give yourself to me, and we shall be as thunder and ice upon the shore! What say you, beauteous woman?

Jaina: Shh, I'm trying to think here.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Death Knugget Of Bad Arsed Epicosity

Is big hairy Congo rats ta Maurice fer the double cheevement last night. In a surprise move, he now be the Team's best geared tank - was thanks ta Varo'then the Sap droppin' his brooch. Maurice sez he's gonna be standin' by the Stormwind mailbox all weekend ladies, feels free ta come by an' swoon.

Friday, April 13, 2012

One Sentence

"Yay, we five done cleared the Dungeon of Nasty Things, and killed the Demon What Drops Phat Lewt! Bob an' Fred, you guys did a real good job, so thankee. Susan and Marie, you both look real purdy."

Can ya see why this ain't cool, and oughtta be changed, even if'n it don't offends you personally? If not, well then.

Try. Again.

Meanwhiles, if ya thinks what changin' one sentence means an NPC ain't no longer unique an' colorful an' interestin', then he weren't really all that ta begin with, was he?

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Just Another Day In Blog Azeroth

[09:50] Rev: what's new?
[09:50] Ratshag: exalted with Therazane
[09:50] Rev: yay!
[09:51] Ratshag: (again)
[09:51] Rev: did she grab your ass?
[09:51] Ratshag: and slipped me the tongue
[09:51] Rev: mmmmm
[09:51] Jed: i...dont think i did that daily

TRANSMOGALYPSE! Unintended Consequences Edition

So, Ellspeth done went ta Ungoro Crater recentlies, and....

Wait, why is the little hoppy fish man staring at my forehead? OMG, am I getting a zit? No, that's impossible - I sacrificed those three babies to Uzglquotzl the Devourer for eternally unblemished skin.... Is there a bug on me? Did someone write something on me in permanent ink while I was asleep? Was it my voidwalker? Ratters, WHY IS THE LITTLE HOPPY FISH MAN STARING AT MY FOREHEAD???

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Some Definitions

 Oceanographer. noun One who studies the branch of physical geography dealing with the ocean. 

Limnologist. noun One who studies bodies of fresh water, such as lakes and ponds, with reference to their physical, geographical, biological, and other features.

Bugfuhg crazy OCD amazingly virile orc what ain't right in the head an' has way too much fluggernubbin' time. noun One who flies all overs Azeroth an' beyond fer ta get both achievements in a day.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

They Won't Dance. Don't Ask Them.

"'Cause yer friends don't dance, an' if they don't dance then they's no friends of mine," said Heigan the Unclean Undies, an' Phoenicia an' her friends said "pfffft." Then they proceeded fer ta burn his diseased arse down before he done made it ta Phase Two. No dancin' required. An fer icin' on the cake, he caughed up the wee li'l mace what Phoe had been hankerin' for fer her transmogalypse set.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Is April Fools Drunken Singin' Featurin' Galertruby An' The Dragonettes

Alex and Ysera, they's kinda at loose ends now what they ain't immortal Aspects no mores. Alex, she got like five thousand drakelings drivin' her nuts day an' night, pesterin' her ta turn Grim Batol inta a casino / destination resort and the like, an' Ysera's mom's been callin' her wantin' fer ta know when she'd gonna find herself a nice dragon with a steady job an' get hitched (mom ain't gettin' any younger, ya know). So when young Galertruby done asked'em fer ta come sing backup on his Kalimdor / North American tour, they jumped at the chance.

Glah gallah agglaha gha
Arlhgha aggl galha gaha ...hic!
Gahlglaha gha glahgal ahlgrah
Glagglh algha galargh glaha

The Dragonettes:
Galertruby, oh no
Me gotta go ...hic!
Aye-yi-yi-yi, I said
Galertruby, oh baby ...hic!
Me gotta go

Aglha-gha-glahagl ahl ...hic!
Galha aggl glahagl ahg
Glagha gaha alhgra ghla
Ghagaga ahl gahrgla galhg ...hic!

The Dragonettes:
Galertruby, oh no
Me gotta go
Aye-yi-yi-yi, I shaid
Galertruby, oh baby
Me gotta go ...hic!

Glalg gha!

Is thanks ta the Kingsmen fer the lyrics, intelligibles an' otherwise.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Is Where Fink Gets A Theology Lesson

When scripted interactions gets a little old an' stale, an' there ain't no flubbernuggin' fast-forward button, well, then, ya gots fer ta make yer own freshness.

Friday, March 23, 2012

"Deserve"'s Got Nuthin' Ta Do With It

We heroes, we done hunted down the Betrayer, the Lich King, the Destroyer. We's saved the world time an' again. They build statues fer ta honor us even, sometimes.

Do we deserve it?

Like Will Munny, I's killed women and children. I's killed everything what walks or crawls at one time or another. I's slaughtered not onlies them what stood against me, but they's children, they's parents, whoevers were hidin' in them houses and huts in Hillsbrad an' Windyreed Village an' an' Bladespire an' Skorn. I may not've seen'em, hidin' in the shadows, but I heard they's screamin' as they's homes burned down around them. Me hands is thoroughly drenched in blood, and they ain't never gonne be clean.

An' you buggers is no different.

Why we done these things? Because we come from a people what be teeterin' on the edge of extinction after the wars of the past decades, and we's gonna be damn sure if someone goes over the edge it'll be them an' not us. We do it 'cause lives is cheap an' food an' beer ain't, so we do what thems what be payin' us asks fer.  We do it 'cause we's stone cold killin' machines.

Killin's the only thing what most of us was ever good at.

Over at WoW Insider, Anne Stickney be askin' if Garrosh deserves fer ta die. Mebbe. His hands be pretty fuhggin' bloody too. An' mebbe they's gonna get bloodier. But I ain't seein' what ya can say they's bloodier than us heroes' hands. Now, if'n someone pays us fer ta kill him, we'll kill him. 'Cause it's what we do, not because he's dirty an' we's clean.

"Deserve"'s got nuthin ta do with it.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Mebbe They Should Re-release The Movie In 3D With A CGI Alien

The readers done spoken, and Bart Simpson convincingly done smacked down ET, 78 ta 39.

This time around we gots a three-way goin'. Is up in the sidebar, as per usuals.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

TRANSMOGALYPSE! Kalishna: Abs Of Saronite

Kali don't contribute much ta the blog - when ya gots the personality of the Terminator's little sister, writing don't come natural. But she do be a solid member of the Team, handlin' our Horde-side inscription an' jewelcuttin' needs, an' doin' her share of killin' bad guys 'cause the good guys pay her to. An' like the rest of us she wanted fer ta put tagether a moggin' outfit what said "this is me", where "me" in this case done means "heavily muscled killin' machine".

Ya can mebbe see why Kalishna be a girl after me own heart.

So anywho, here be what she come up with. Is got a lotta ties ta the traditional Acherus Death Knugget get up, but also branches out a bit fer ta make it more personals.

Head: Acherus Knight's Hood
Shoulders: Blood-Soaked Saronite Plated Shoulders
Chest: Ornate Mithril Breastplate
Gloves: Bloodbane's Gauntlets of Command
Back: Worn Stoneskin Gargoyle Cape
Waist: Jouster's Girdle
Legs: Ornate Mithril Pants
Feet: Greaves of the Slaughter
Weapon: De-Raged Waraxe

Suffer well.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


Just discovered what beer-specced monks (is the tanking spec) is gonna be ables ta equip polearms. Means the glorious Hellreaver, which I feared were gonna be lost in the transmogalypse, may survives after all. Means also what I could has a tankin' team member what looks kinda like this:

Yeah, I'd be down with that.

Monday, March 19, 2012

"This One Goes To Eleven, You Ungrateful Bitches"

"Whyfuhg would you want more than eleven character slots? Who would want fer ta roll a Tauren monk and a Pandaren warrior on the same server? That's crazy talk. Just make yer damn orc a panda, or delete that damn blood elf paladin what ain't 85 yet. Do you realize what it takes a lotta work fer ta change that max character setting? Be gratefuls what we did it. Okay, yeah, it wouldnta taken any more work ta make it 12 or 20 or 50 while we was doin' it, but yer missin' the point.

"Seriouslies, none of us developers has more'n three characters anywho. We cain't imagine why anyone would have ten. But we's gonna make it eleven. So quit complainin' and go rejoice, like WI sez to."

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Thrall, I Loves Ya, Bro....

... but Hour of Twilight would done go a lot faster if'n ya'd just buy yerself the damn wolf alreadies.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Call Of C'thun

Has it ocurred ta anyone what the real purpose of LFR, where a larger number of heroes done comes in contact with the Old Gods' most powerful minion than evers before, every damn week, is ta grind down our SAN points until we all goes stark fuhggerbelly crazy?

I mean, seriouslies, pwhn'guul i ghawl'fwata ryiu wgah uul'gwan h'iwn guu'lal. Pwhn'guul i ghawl'fwata ryiu wgah uul'gwan h'iwn guu'lal.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Just Another Day On An RP Server

It ain't all "Yar Yar Hump Hump" fun and games. Sometimes a bugger done gets eaten.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Better Than A Set Of Level 80 Greens Anyday

There's been some gnashings of the teeth overs the new Scroll of Resurrectifyin'. Specificallies, the fact what thems what left the game an' now come back get theyselves boosted ta they's 80th season, with some gear an' bags an' a mount an' a free upgrade ta Cataclysm. How come the loyal veterans what never left ain't gettin' a reward, they asks?

Well, here be just a quick sample of all what I got fer playin' these past few years. Thems what left ain't gettin' none of it. Not the memorable first kills, not the shit buggers said, not the weird-arsed bugs, not the glory, not the pain. Time done moved on. Way I see it, I already got me rewards. An' I wouldn't trade'em fer nuthin'.

And this ain't even showin' the best thing of all what happened....