Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Pink Knickers Revisited

Were near a year ago, Keeva overs at Tree Bark Jacket done wrote a post analyzings (among other things) the percentifications of raid bosses what be wimmenz. She done went ta a lotta work fer ta pin down what was "male" and what was "female" and what was neithers, 'cause sometimes it ain't obvious. I thought I'd done do a follow-up and look at Firelands and Dragon Soul, now that they's out. Blizz done saved me a lotta work, though, by puttin' out the Dungeon Guide what allows ya ta figger out they's sexes just by lookin' at they's pronouns (everyone done be a "him", a "her", or an "it"). Which is good, 'cause I's lazy.

Here be what I found.

Lord RyolithMale
Majordomo StaghelmMale

Dragon Soul
Warlord Zon'ozzMale
Yor'sahj the UnsleepingMale
Hagara the StormbinderFemale
Warmaster BlackhornMale

So here be Keeva's calculatifications of the percentagizing of raid bosses what be wimmenz, with me numbers added at the end:

Hunka Hunka Burnin' Crusader15%
Rash of the Itch King22%
Cata (Tier 11)12%
Cata (Tier 12)26%
Cata (Tier 13)13%

Blizzard, I am disappoint. Again.

Why is Ratters disappoint?  I so glad you asked. Azeroth done a fictional world, with fictional rules. What makes it work so well, be the polish. The internal consistency. It don't feel like sumthin' what got all thrown tagethers at the last minute. One of these rules be, mens and wimmenz be equals, whethers is adventurin' heroes or the grunts what patrol Org and Stormwind or ship captains. But when ya gets ta the top of the power structures, both fer the good guys and the bad guys, this rule fer the fictional world goes out the fluggernubbin' window.

Why do it? Looks ta me like Blizz starts off assumin' bosses is all male, then switches it ta female if'n they has a reason, such as she's vengeful (eg, Sylvanas) or she got babies (eg Beth'tilac) or she yaps annoyingly (eg Hagara). But I realizes what this ain't 100% consistent (Putricide yapped a lot too) and is mostly conjecturizings. So if'n you gots other ideas as ta why Blizz trashes the balance between the sexes in Azeroth, I's all ears ('cept fer the important parts). But they does do it.

Now. Blizzard. You keeps fuhggin' with yer legendary polish fer no good reason! Seriously, how many bytes would ya have ta change, outta tens of gigabytes in me installation, fer ta say Yor'sahj the Unsleeping is a woman? Would it've really been that hard fer ta have Majordomo Mylune (vulnerables ta the Old Gods' whisperin' due ta her grief over all the burned widdle fuzzy bunnies) instead of Majordomo Staghelm?

Ya gots a new expansion comin' up, with all new raid bosses. Gonna put some polish on'em Blizz, or ya just gonna coast along with default settings again?

Edit:  Done realized I mathified the percentalizings wrong fer Tier 12. Well, that's what ya gets with a simple orc. Anywho, fixed now, and still way too fuhggin' low.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Is Where Proper Spellifications Matters

So, Kalishna were in Org other day, doin' her dailies like a good little death knugget, when a young goblin spawn done asked a question.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Is Friday Mornin' Drunkin' Singings

Fleas on me dog! ...hic!
(doo doo doo-de-doo)
Fleas on me dog! ...hic!
(doo doo doo-de-doo)
Fleas on me dog! ...hic!
Prozac on you and a fleecy dog.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas! ...hic!
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas! ...hic!
I wanna wish you a Merry Chrishtmas!
From the bottom ... of ... my ....



But those ain't even real real wordsh...

Oh. Spanish. Ohhhhhhh. ...hic!

Well, fuhg yeah, that makesh a lot more shense now...

Is wishing you buggers a happy winter solstice-ish holiday of yer preference - Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Saturnalia, Yule, or just plain "hot dang the days is getten longer again!" Catch ya on the flip side.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Rule Three Seven Two

Is time fer ta have a sit-down with a certain dragon and explains what drivin' volcanoes through buggers' houses is not civilized behaviors. Is a violation of Rule Three Seven Two, and as such, he done be requireds fer ta pay a penalty, as stipulatified by Rule. Three. Seven. Two.*

*Is like the Breaker's Rule Three Oh Three, onlies more epic.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

If Disney Characters Was Raid Bosses

Snow White and the Seven Adds

You gots ta down Cinderella before midnight or she turns the raid inta pumpkins.

Mulan gots two phases. In girl phase she carries a cricket in a cage and tries fer ta marry you. In boy phase she has a dragon and lights yer arse up with a rocket launcher.

Oswald the Rabbit drops no loot, which be okay 'cause nobody remembers him nohow.

Ta beats Dumbo, everbodies needs fer ta hold a feather with they's noses and believe they can fly.

You needs fer ta interrupt the Little Mermaid or she grows legs.

101 Dalmations? AoE - lots and lots and lots of AoE.

Ta defeat Shere Khan, everybodies in the raid needs ta talk ta Baloo fer ta get the buff 'The Bare Necessities".

When Bambi's mom is killed, everyone needs fer ta turn around and not look.

If the Mad Hatter puts the debuff "Unbirthday" on you, you gots ta move down one seat or it's a wipe.

Mickey Mouse? You are not prepared.

Sunday, December 18, 2011


That instinctive "oh bugger that noise!" response ta the realization what you needs fer ta go back ta the bank, dig through six years of accumulated junk fer ta find them level 70 boots, then pay the mogging man more gold, then go put'em back in the bank, all 'cause ya just done got a single lousy quest reward.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Friday, December 16, 2011

Friday Night Drunken Samual L Jackson Quotifyings

Because, Sam? He's the fluggernunkin' man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, fences is failing all over the place!

This drink is better than shex, baby.

Wake up! Wake up! Up you wake! ...hic!

Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charming fludderthunkin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acresh, you know what I'm shayin'? ...hic!

Hey! I's talking to you! Now you's got about ten seconds before those guys see you, and when they do they's gonna kill you, you undershtand? You are about to have a very bad day.

Turn on the heat. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noishe - distracts from the cold.

AK-47. The very best there is. When you absholutely, positively got to kill every thunkerdugger in the room, accept no shubstitutes. ...hic!

I agrees. The Shith would not have returned without us shenshing it.

You wouldn't know Egyptian cotton if the Pharaoh hisself sent it to you, you knockoff-wearing glubbergupper!

I was a Drell. I was a Drifter. I was a Coashter. I was part of The Gang. I was a Bar-Kay... If they come through Texas, I done played with them.

You tell me where my shuit is, woman! We's talkin' about the greater good!

It's very dangeroush, putting them togethers. I don't think the boy can handle it. I don't trusht him.

Enough is enough! I have had it with these hunkerthubbin' shnakes on this flubberguffin' plane! ...hic!

From this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, and this.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Mebbe Is Easy Bein' Green Afters All

The web-footed wonder done raised the curtains and lit the lights on the gangster in our last poll, with 68 votes fer Kermit and 36 fer Jabba the Hutt.

This week we done gota a coupla legendary inventor/gunslingers goin' at each other. New poll, up in the sidebar, as usuals.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Ya Wants More Interestin'? I Can Show Ya More Interestin'

Alex teh Z overs at WowInsideOuter done miserates what Varian Wrynn be boring as shite, and Azuriel at In An Age feels what is the whole dang Alliance leadership what duller than butterknives. "Horde has Wheel of Time meets Dune whereas Alliance has goddamn Jack and Jill meets See Spot Run," he sez. Me, I agree what Blizz done be tellin' the Alliance story with less sofisticationalishness than an episode of iCarly, but I'd say what the Horde side be better onlies in the sense what a turtle be faster'n a snail. Is still each race bein' all monolithic an' supportin' they's leader ('cept Grimotems, 'course, but everyone knows they's bad 'cause they all got black fur), Garrosh done murdered Cairne "by accident" and everybodies in Kaliomdor kinda shrugs, Sylvanas do be kinda doin' her own thing in the East but she ain't makin' any Putress-style moves, and the Blood Elves.... wait? Is they even still part of the Horde? They ever get a new king? /shrug

Lemme give ya a sense of what I considers interestin'. WoW, like most fantasy worlds, be kinda sorta loosely based on medieval England, right? So let's go ta the source. You buggers ever hear of a fellow name of Henry II? Henry were a rude boy, one tough flumpergupper. But interestin', so much so's they made not one but two Oscar-winnin' flicks about him back in the sixties, both starrin' Peter O'Toole. In Becket, him and Richard Burton was best friends what went wenchin' tagether, then killed each other over church and taxes. In The Lion in Winter, him and Katherine Hepburn and they's three boys (before they done grew up ta be Richard the Lionheart and John Lackland and the one nobody ever heard of anyhow) spend Christmas vacation schemin' and double-crossin' and plottin' each others' murders and gettin' in bed with James Bond the King of France. Is quite the shindig, and they does it all without any helps from demons or Old Gods or time stream monkeys. Just politics, middle ages style. I sez the Blizz folks needs fer ta sit down one Saturday with a big ol' tub of popcorn and some slurpies and watch these. Could mebbe get some ideas fer shakin' stuff up.

And the movies and even tellin' half of it. Henry's mom were supposed ta be the heir ta the throne, but she got pushed aside by her cousin 'cause she had boobies. So when Henry grows up and becomes Duke of Normandy and Anjou he gets hisself an army and sails ta England and kicks butt and basicalies forces the king fer ta make him the heir. Then he marries hisself Eleanor of Aquitaine, and betweens the two of them the rule half of France too. He done established the Platagefuhgginbadarse dynasty, what ran England fer the next three hundred years and done layed a lotta the groundwork fer turnin' the place from a dirt poor island hangin' out at Europe's bunghole inta the British Glubbernuggin' Empire. Henry reformed the tax system, worked fer ta professionalize the army, and advanced the notion of trial by jury. In the end, though, his sons were too much fer him and he were overthrowned by Richard I, what were allied with the King of France. Bugger died soon afters. Helluva life, no?

Now, what might that be like in Azeroth? Say young Anduin Wrynn done fell in with Prophet Velen's grandson, what afters ten thousand years were tired of waitin' fer the old coot fer ta shuffle off. Them and Moira Thaurissan all done plots tagether fer ta takes over they's respective factions, but Anduin hedges his bets by talkin' ta Mekkatorque 'bout mebbe the gnomes gettin' they's hands on all of Ironforge since it ain't all radiationified and all. Meanwhiles his brother Ricky be workin' on brokerin' and Alliance 'tween the Stranglethorn rebels and the Splinter Fist ogres with the intents of settin' up a power base fer hisself in Duskwood. And kid sister Jenny done been talkin' ta Varok Saurfang, Darion Mograine, and Rethiel the Greenwarden. Why? Nobody knows....

I ain't this is how it should be, I's just spitballin', tryin' fer ta shake up this boring-arsed blandness what been Alliance politics since Ony done got kicked outta Stormwind. Surely there be room fer ta have some more internal dynamics, and not always nice ones. Sometimes a bugger wants power, and is willin' fer ta make some deals in orders ta get it.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Friday Night Drunken Singings Featuring Pebble

(With Galertruby on guitar and Ratshag playing bagpipes)

Rollin' 'cross Deepholm
Goin' to the caves
Cannot find my way home ....hic!
Waitin' to be saved
Gettin' robbed
Gettin' shtoned
Gettin' flayed
Broken stones ....hic!
Gettin' bored
Gettin' shook
I tell you folksh
It's harder than it looksh

It's a long way to the top
If you're a little rock that rollsh!
It'sh a long way to the top
If you're a little rock that rolls! ....hic!
If you think it's easy giving daily quests
Try bein' lower than a short gnome's chest. ....hic!
It's a long way to the top
If you're a little rock that rollsh!

Is many thanks ta AC/DC fer the shong lyicsh.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

TRANSMOGALYPSE! Kinnavieve: Soldier of the Light

I am the champion of justice.
I am the protector of the weak.
I defend those who cannot defend themselves.

I pursue evil in all its forms.

Where I stand, the darkness shall not fall.

I am the unyielding shield.
I am the terrible swift sword.

I am a soldier of the Light.

Head: Vengeful Gladiator's Lamellar Helm
Chest: Turalyon's Breastplate of Conquest
Shoulders: Lightbringer Shoulderbracers
Back: Bloodthirsty Hide Cape
Hands: Gauntlets of the Soothed Soul
Waist: Lightbringer Girdle
Legs: Lightbringer Greaves
Feet: Lightbringer Boots
Weapon: Knightly Longsword
Shield: Aegis of the Sunbird

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

This Be What You Tell A Dragon

Less than a page inta Blizz new "We explain what the fuhg is goin' on with outside content rather than put it in the glubbernuggin' game" story, Charge of the Aspects, and I's already disappoint. We's told what Nozdormu the Time Dude done sent a buncha lesser time dudes inta the past, onlies fer ta have it go FUBAR and only one done make back from the future (not the past). And then he dies. Whatevers. Sucks ta be him.

This here be Ysera's response when mopey Noz tells her what went down:

What do you say to a being who would do anything to protect the dragons of his flight, but now holds himself accountable for one of their deaths? she pondered. Her mind was a storm of fragmented thoughts. It was as if she were standing in a vast library ripped apart by a hurricane. Pages brimming with ideas and images whirled across her vision, but they were all parts of separate books.

You tell him fer ta MAN THE FUHG UP is what you tell him. Case he ain't noticed, we's in a war right now. A war caused by you and yer bosses, the titans, screwin' the pooch and lettin' one of yer own play with Old Gods. And now tens or mebbe hundreds of thousands of us mortals is dead. Not ta mentions the fact what Deathwing went an' drove a volcano through me livin' room!

I's made mistakes. I's killed allies. I's helped enemies. Is happens in war. You say "crap", you try fer ta learn sumthin' from it, and then ya moves on. What ya don't do is walk outta a damn important strategy meeting fer ta go self-pitify. Unless yer a dragon.

I guess they's special.

Time Fer "Stand In The Fire" Ta DIAF?

"Stand in the Fire" be a fight mechanic what goes all the way back ta Scarlet Monastery, if not earliers. Is simple idea - bad dude drops a spell on a area, everybody gots ta move outta the area or take a lotta pain. We call it "fire" fer ta be general, but can also be arcane explosions, freeze yer nads of cold, fallin' rocks, swarm of otters, low self esteem - you buggers know what I's talkin' about. Usuallies, not movin' out means ya takes damage and piss of yer healer, but fer some raid bosses ya gets four seconds and then ya go straight ta hell where ya gots ta listen ta Don Knotts all day or sumthin', no pass Go, no collect two hundred gold. The point bein', Blizz don't want buggers just standin' there teein' off on the boss all day like he were a practice dummy. They wants fer ya ta have ta pay attentions and respond ta unexpecteds, and I thinks it were a good mechanic fer a long time. But now I's wonderin' if it done been stretched too far. Here be why.

Say yer me RL Avatar, and yer elbows deep in the "Why fer do the comfort index of everybodies on this bus be in the proper -10 ta +10 range, except that one muggerducker in the fourth row what be reportin' -1624? Is it a bug in the C++ server code or the Java client code? Or the FORTRAN internal simulation? Or mebbe one of the data hand-offs be flawed? FML" boss, when suddenlies a circle of blazing infernal fire centered on him appears. Is fair ta expects what about 98.7% of his nervous system will be tellin' him "GETOUTGETOUTGETOUTGETOUT!!!!!!!!!!", give er take. But Blizz cain't tap inta our nervous systems, so they tries fer ta give some hints like a circle of graphical effect in our area, and mebbe a debuff icon what looks like diseased robot walrus er sumthin' off in the corner, and yer health bar starts droppin' (unless it already were droppin' due ta sumthin' else, or unless it's one of them fires what does nuthin' until it instakills ya). Relatively speakin's, is kinda subtle-like.

Now, that graphical effect seems ta be sumthin' what Blizz picks outta a hat. Sometimes, is a perfect black disk about waist high, like a backyard swimmin' pool of death. Totally fake lookin' but hard fer ta miss. In the early days of Obsidium Sanctum, were a red swirly thing on red ground, damn near invisibles (laters, they changed it ta blue swirlies). Sometimes it look exactlies like the spell other buggers in yer party is castin' - is I in the good fire, the bad fire, or both? Has ya raided in Firelands? We runs a computer with a pretty decent graphics card; has enough power fer ta manage 40-50 frames per second durin' a raid with max settings. But Kinnavieve found what she had a lot easier time spottin' buggers like Aly's druid friends if'n she turned the settings down ta Medium or lower, 'cause otherwise were so many spell effects and fire sceneries and what has yous what the screen overloaded. Course, when she done did that, made it harder fer ta spot bad things what she needed ta get out of, Like Lord Ham On Ryolith's lava flows. So instead she done relied on DBM hollerin' "Run away little girl!" and "Beware!" Which worked fine, but kinda defeats the point of paintin' fire on the screen.

Which is where I gets ta me point, at last. Has we done reached the point where drawin' special effects on a screen alreadies loaded with special effects is no longer a good way fer ta convey a sense of "the flesh is bein' seared off of yer feet"? Is the difference between "idiot raider" and "skilled raider" sometimes nuthin' more than havin' the right add-on? Is it time fer ta junk the whole mechanic fer sumthin' different?

I's all in favor of keepin' buggers on they's toes, of not lettin' them phone they's performance in whiles watchin' the telly. But I's thinkin' that the spell-effect visual cue done been stretched beyond what makes sense. Is time fer ta have different hints, or different systems. But I's just a simple orc, runnin' off me own limited experience. What you buggers think?

Friday, December 2, 2011

It Be A Slap In The Face

What be the greatest tragedy of the Transmogalypse? It ain't what ya cain't mog yer warlock's raid gear fer ta look like a tuxedo. It ain't what ya cain't have yer resto shaman raid with bunny ears. It ain't what ya cain't mog yer legendary daggers inta a fish and a fryin' pan. No, me friends, is much much worse.

Is the sad fate of Hellreaver.

Hellfluggernubbinreaver. Is the reason warriors, ret pallies, and death knuggets run Ramps an average of 87.26 times when they gets ta Outland. They ain't doin' it fer the stats (although it do be carryin' a crapton of Strength, Stam, and Crit). It ain't because when yer level 60 it is the weapon fer ta have when you absolutely, postively have ta kill every last glubbernumper in the room accept no substitutes. No, is because when ya walks inta a bar afters with it on yer back you looks like stone-cold baddassity incarnate, and yer pretty dang near guaranteed fer ta walk out that night with a pretty girl on each arm. Or boy, or murloc, or whatevers yer preference.

So, is a perfect weapon fer moggin', right? Wrong. And therein lies the tragification. Afters Hellreaver, is only four strength-based polearms in the whole dang game. Lantresor's Warblade, Trident of the Outcast Tribe, and Plasma Rat's Hyper-Scythe in Outland, and the Saliva Corroded Pike in Northrend. Diddly squat zippo butkus in Cata. So us plate wearers ain't got nuthin fer ta mog it onta. Now, I suppose hunters could grab they's one (though any hunter what rolls need fer it against a strength class should be gutted and used fer ta string his own bow), but they's gonna lose the ability fer ta carry polearms along with axes, swords, and harsh language come the MoP. Which leaves.... feral droods. Who ain't got no need fer ta mog nuthin' cause ya cain't even see it under the fur!

So come on, Blizz. Bring back the strength polearms. Think of all the poor little Hellreavers starving in Africa.

If'n ya don't, it be a slap in the face.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

TRANSMOGALYPSE! Ratshag: Molten Rage

Is a reason what Chess be called "The Game of Kings." Is 'cause orc warriors suck donkey balls at it. Our opening moves tend ta go like:
1. e4 Nf6
2. e5 Nd5
3. d4 d6
4. Shout and smash the glubbernuggin' board with yer axe

Now, I's had me arena Season 1 shoulders and gauntlets since they was the schnitzle, as me friend BRK would say. If'n ya looks up at the blog banner, ya can see me wearin' 'em, long with a ton of TBC gear what be long since vendored. But I never got me the matching brainbucket, 'cause fer one I were usin' me Helm of Holy Crapfuhg That Be Ugly which had decent pvp stats so I spent me tokens or badgers or whatever fuhg were the currency back then on other stuffs. And fer two, well, we all know me brains ain't all that valubles.

But then few months ago the Transmogalypse be announced and sez ta meself, "Self? What we gotta do get that hat?" Well, turns out only way were fer ta buy it with one of them tokens Prince carries, way up top of Kara. But fer ta gets ta Prince, ya gots ta beat Medivh at Chess, and that be were things get trickies. Normalies, ya gots nine friends with ya, helpin' move yer grunts and shoutin' helpfuls like "The worg, Ratters! Move the worg!" but me friends is busy doin' they's things so they ain't availables this time. And Medivh cheats, the dumpergunker. So I been roflstomping me way up the tower, then settling in fer a long slow session of gettin' me arse whipped until I'd get lucky and Medivh'd pull a stupid outta his sleeve. Sometimes I'd beat him on the third go-round, sometimes on the twentieth. But eventuallies I'd knock his king's arse down, and the doors ta the pinnacle would open and I'd go show Prince what he faced Ratshag alone, what I had no legions ta command, and what that didn't matter nohows anyway.

And then he'd drop the wrong token. Every. Single. Freakin'. Time.

But now the Transmogalypse be upon us, and some goblins in Area 52 done figured out what there be gold ta be made sellin' obsolete arena gear. Well, there's honor points ta be made, but I guess they's got some use fer them. So out ta Netherstorm I goes, and picks up me last piece of gear. And now me transmog set be complete.

Is the followings:
Head: Gladiator's Plate Helm
Shoulders: Gladiator's Plate Shoulders
Hands: Gladiator's Plate Gauntlets
Waist: Crimson Girdle of the Indomitable
Legs: Brutal Gladiator's Plate Legguards
Feet: Guardian's Plate Greaves
Tabard: Sunreaver Tabard

Now, weapons may change from time ta time, so I's got one of each kind fer ta cover me bases.

Fer axes: Nightfall

Fer maces, I gots Hatebringer

And fer swords I got me Ashkand, Greatsword of the Bros. That's right, Lothar - not onlies I done peed on yer statue, I gots yer sword too! Yeah, the colors don't match quite as good as them other two, but whofuhg cares? Is fluppergumpin' Ass Candy.

So anywho, I got me moggin' set fer Arms all done now. Still workin' on the tankin' set, but without a functional guild tankin' be a lower priority these days. I'll let you buggers know when it be ready.