Last week was patch day, and mosst of us who aren't pretty blood elvess got new faces. It was a joyousss time, with cheers and fireworkss and glassses of champagne held high in celebration.
Fuck that shit.
I woke up that morning with eyes. Eyess! Me, the dead eyeless girl, with eyes! And not your happy happy joy joy I can sssee clearly now the rain is gone kind of eyes. More like looking through a pair of milk bottle eyes.
Ssuddenly, nothing worked right. I knocked things over. I equipped mysself with mismatched daggersss. I spilled a glass of Blood of the Innocentss. I went to pickpocket a Yuangol, and I slid my hand into the wrong pocket! It was like a scene from a ssteamy romance novel, with him going "yeah, girl, that's it, yeah, don't stop." It was ssso embarrassing that I vanished and ssnuck away, instead of killing him and eating his corpse.
But Thrall said he had a new plan, and that was good, becausse he never had a bad idea. Except for, you know, trussting Hellscream. And then putting his son in charge of the Northrend expedition. And then putting him in charge of the entire Horde, ssso he could run off to shaman camp and get laid. Yup. We're all gonna die.
So we all piled on the Alliance sship, which ssomehow flew along just fine despite only having four little thrusstersss keeping it up, and chased after Deathwing. The plan was for Thrall and the asspects to stay on the sship and charge up the Dragon Soul again and drink tea while Rattersss and the rest of us parachuted onto the dragon'ss back and ripped off the elementium plates so Thrall could get a better sshot. Obviously, it wass the plates that were the problem the lassst time and not that, say, Thrall's aim ssucked or that after thousssandss of years the Dragon Soul didn't hold a charge like it used to. Nope, had to be the platess, so we sstrapped on our parachutes. Happy happy joy joy.
Very heroic. Very insspirational. We were totess badassses in that moment, weren't we? Unfortunately, Captains Sswayze and Ka'anu sort of ... well ... misssed, and were never seen again. I suspect that at the last minute they decided that a life of ssurfing and robbing banks together made a lot more sense than, you know, fighting a flying dragon while sstanding on its back. Can't say that I blame them.
The rest of uss made onto Deathwing's back and, well, he wasn't doing too good. Open ssores, rupturing tentaclesss, corrosive ooze - it was a very nasty place to work. We had to keep ssopping our attack to mop up the blood. But we managed to pry several of his platess off just as the clouds broke and we sssaw the Maelstrom opening up below us. "Can we get the hellss out of here now?" I shouted at Ratshag over the howling wind. "Yeah, let's blow this joint," he sshouted back. We struggled back into our chutess, and jumped for one of the rocky outcroppings. Thrall plunked his magic twanger, and
The movie makes it look all dramatic and heroic. What you can't ssee is that Thrall ssshot too soon, and we weren't all clear. Fink was a little slow becausse of the wound she'd taken earlier, and was sstill getting her parachute on when Thrall cut loose. I guessss counting all the way to ten was a little too much to assk of the World's Greatesst Shaman.
But we'd done it. We'd killed the big bad, we'd ssaved the world. We were exhausted, we were bloody, and we were victoriouss. I was a happy little abomination in the eyess of nature. Thrall and the assspects came down to the little rock island where we'd landed to congratulate uss (because apparently lowering a ladder and picking us up inssstead was a bother) and tell us what wonderful heroess we were and all that stuff, when the water below us sstarted to bubble. And sssomething was coming up.
Not fair. Not. Godss. Damned. Fair.
I don't know if you could call what came up out of the ocean that afternoon "Deathwing". It was a huge, bloated thing, heaving and sssurging as the Old Godss tried to cram ten pounds of sshit into a five pound Deathwing bag. All I knew was that there oozess and tentacles and other horrorss all around us, and if we didn't desstroy them they would destroy usss. The air was full of smoke and acid, terrible even for me to experience. I don't know how my teammates, thosse who still had to breathe becausse they weren't walking dead, could even function. But slowly we sstemmed the tide, and began to push our way forward. Deathwing had collapssed against the rocks, his head on the ground, one eye glaring at us. If we could just reach him, jussst finish him off, then the tide of things bursting out of his open woundss might end.
"Pali, look out!" I heard Kinnavieve yell, but it was too late. An enormous tentacle had reared up behind her, and ssmashed her to the ground. Kinna and I ran over too her, and cut the tentacle into a quivering pile of corrupted flesh and sslime. One look, though, and it was clear her neck had been sssnapped instantly. Kinna whispered a few words and gently clossed the dead girl's eyess. Then she stood up, gripped my hand for a ssecond, and we went back to killing thingsss.
But without Palintera's sspecial druid tricks, pulling energy out of the ground to magically heal our burnsss and injuries, we began to falter. Our coordination broke down, and it devolved into everyone fighting for themsselves. I saw Maurice fall before a pack of oozess. When they moved away, all that was left was some ssmoking armor and a few bones. Through the sssmoke, I could dimly see Alayda crawling, pulling her shattered legss behind her. In the end, Ratsshag, Kinnavieve, and I made it to the monster's head, but we were alone.
"Just kill the bluggerfudder," Ratters growled. "I'll keep you clear." He was bleeding from the Sshadow knows how many holes, and hisss green skin was blackened from burnss. I thought he was about to collapsse, but he pulled up something, ssome reserve from deep insside him, and let out a roar, and sstarted swinging at the thingss pressing in on us, driving them back. Kinna and I attacked the dragon's neck, me with my axe and dagger, her with her big-ass ssword, trying to sever it and kill him once and for all before the big guy gave out. But it wass so tough, sso armored, and my armss were so tired. We'd come close, so close, but it wasn't enough, we were going to fail. In my head, I curssed everyone that had sset the path that led me to this place. Kel'thuzad and Arthas, Mograine and the Sscarlet Crusade, the Old Gods, the Titanss who had abandoned us, the assspectss who'd run off who-knows-where, the Warchief and the King who had ssent their armies to fight each other in placess like the Barrens and Tol Barad. I cursed them all to the deepesst hell.
I spared a glance back at Ratshag. He had sstumbled, was down on one knee, holding a burning sshield up to block the blows being rained down by a big rock elemental. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him die alone. I was going to die anyway - we all were. At leassst I could go out fighting, not hacking usselesssly against Deathwing's neck. So I ran to his sside. I swung at the elemental with what little sstrength I had left, trying to find the vulnerable bands of energy that held it's sstones together.
And for an instant I distracted it. And in that instant, the orc sstood up. He dropped his ruined shield and axe, and grabbed the elemental with both handss. Somehow, amazingly, he lifted it up over his head. Turning to face Deathwing, he shouted "DROVE YER VOLCANO INTA THE WRONG FLUGGERNUBBIN' HOUSE, DIDN'T YA?!?", and charged.
There was a loud Crack! as he drove the rockss into the Destroyer's skull like a battering ram, and the sskull gave way. Then a Whump! as all the force the Old Gods had sstuffed into him was suddenly releasssed. The force of it knocked me through the air, bony half-rotted ass over teacupss. When I stood up again, it was over. The tentacles and oozess and elementals were dead, dissintegarting, lifeless. Deathwing's headless corpsse was slowly sssliding back down into the ocean. All that remained of his head was the bent and mangled metal jaw the dwarvess had forged for him. That, and a thousand commingled piecess of dragon and orc ssstrewn across the landscape.
I walked over and sat down next to Kinnavieve. Sshe was curled in a ball, her sword abandoned a few feet away, sssobbing wretchedly. "I, I, I, I tried, I, I, oh Mouse...." was all sshe could get out. Awkwardly, I put my arm around her. For the first time in all the years I've known her, she didn't flinch away from me. I guess sshe was too damned exhausted. I know I was. A little ways off, the assspects and Thrall were talking, something about a new world order, and how great it wass that Thrall's girlfriend was knocked up. It didn't make much sense, but neither had anything elsse that day. Madnesss, all madnessss.
At the edge of our rocky island, the Alliance airsship had finally returned and lowered a ladder. As the ssmoke cleared, I could see some movement among the rockss and rotting remains of the thingss. At least a couple of our teammates had sssurvived the fight as well. "C'mon Kinna," I said, pulling myself to my feet and extending her my hand. "Let'ss go find our friends, and go home."
We met on the road to Wyrmrest - Ratters and the resst of us Hordies riding in from Venomssspite in the East, Kinnavieve leading the Alliance team from Starss' Rest in the West. We both sstopped, looking at each other. Would this actually work? Sssure, we could all hang out together in neutral cities like Shattrath, drinking beer and ssinging songss, but could we really trust each other out here in the wilderness, armed and nervous? Then Ratters got off his noisy ssmoke-belching machine and walked over to Kinnavieve, who dropped down from her charger. They exchanged some words, too quiet for any of us to hear, then he tilted his head back and laughed that deep, rumbling laugh of hiss. Sshe threw her arms around him, and he hugged her back, lifting her feet right off the ground. They held each other for a few minutes, the rest of us quietly ssstanding, watching, unwilling to intrude. Then he set her back on the ground, they both laughed again, and we all came together, Hordiess and Alliance, smiling laughing and backslapping and hugging.
We were a Team. We had a job to do and nothing was going to sstop us. This crazy plan of Ratterss' was going to work.
It had too.
As we got closer to the tower, we gathered up ssome of the shattered remains of the Accord's outer perimeter, scattered like leavess after the Twilight Hammer's surprissse attack. We could here the battle now - drakes sscreaming as they fell from the sky, the deep crunch of rocks striking the dragons' citadel. We fell into a wedge formation - Ratsshag at the point, with Kinnavieve and Alayda beside him, the rest of us sword and axe types on the wingsss, and the casters protected in the center. The Wyrmresst Accord people did whatever it was losers did behind uss - they were not my concern.
The Twilight asssault was divided into three campss, and we fell upon the southern one - Deathwing's rock elementals - with fire and fury. They had no idea we were coming, and nothing breakss down into chaos and confusion like an army of elementals caught by ssurprise. They shattered before us, breaking and running. The Sshadow drank deep that day as we sslew hundredsss of them. The leader of the elementals, a big fucker named Morchok, tried to rally them, but we were having none of it. We drove our wedge sstraight through the remaining elementalss, and Ratshag's axe removed Morchok's head from his sshoulders.
The two remaining forces, both led by ancient facelesss ones, were prepared for us, but it made no difference. Oozess, tentaclesss, faceless ones, they all fell before our blades. The leaders taunted us, sshouting in their elder tongue that we couldn't understand, but nevertheless ssomehow left doubts whisspering in our heads. We took casualties: Fink suffered a nassty gash to her leg, and Alayda was burned by an ooze that managed to knock her down, but both of them were able to pussh on. In the end, both warlords were dead, and the ssiege was broken. We'd fucking done it.
But it wassn't over. As Thrall and the Aspects were doing whatever it was they needed to do to charge the Dragon Ssoul, Deathwing played one last card to try to ssnatch victory from defeat. Ultraxion, a huge twilight dragon, dove out of the ssky and crashed onto the peak of the tower. "Don't let him reach the Asspects", shouted Kinnavieve. "Kick hisss arse!" added Ratters. He and Maurice got in the big nasty's face, keeping him pisssed and distracted, and the rest of uss surrounded him. His hide was tough as the thickesst armor, but it wasn't enough. Our sswords and axes and lightning bolts found the weak ssspotss, and Ultraxion, possibly the largest dragon ever to fly the skies of Azeroth, came up sshort. "But...but...I am...Ul...trax...ionnnnnn..." he wheezed as he sshuddered, twitched, and slowly sslid of the edge of the parapet to plummet to the frozen ssurface of Dragonblight.
And then the Aspectss stepped back as Thrall held the Dragon Soul over hisss head. It must have been fully charged, for it wass crackling with energy, tiny lightning bolts ssizzling over its ssurface and coursing up Thrall's arms. He aimed it at Deathwing, still circling the tower, and a blasst of white light shot out, straight for the Desstroyer's heart.
If'n ya reads this blog, then ya know what pictures of me an' the rest of the Team be kinda a big part of it. An' if ya don't read it, well then ya ain't readin' this an' so there ain't really no reason fer me ta done fini
Vidyala had this post the other day where she had this pic of herself from the early days and a pic of her today self. I thought were kinda interestin', so I went an' dug through the old crap (includins the crap in me original blog, Diary of an Upwardly Mobile Orc) and found the earliest pic fer a bunch of us. Then I took a brand new pic of everybodies (without warnin' so nobodies had time fer ta go change an' make theyselves presentable haha!). Is a few haircut changes a lotta gear changes, heirlooms, heirlooms swapped, transmogrifyin', an' tranmopathy goin' on. We's like that.
Anywho, here we is:
Ratshag
Jan 26, 2007
There be me, jumpin' up an' down like a loon just 'cause I'd done made it ta the Stonetalon Mountains. Whoo hoo, a new zone. Way fer ta start the blog off with class and dignity, kid. Gear's changed, of course. Id done tried out some new hairstyles in Northrend but ended up goin' back ta me gray and braids look. Just felt right, ya know. What don't show is the miles on the feet an' the notches on the belt, but you buggers alreadies knew about them.
Ellspeth
April 4, 2007
Ellspeth, the team's first 'lock. Puld her outta a Silvermoon orphanage an' set her ta work. Still the same hair. Still the same showin' off her skin. Still psychotic as a glubbernugger.
Gogmoth
December 22, 2007
Me kid brother. We was inta 'locks there fer a bit there, weren't we? no real changes here.
Danger Mouse
January 9, 2008
Mouse. Still impatient, still a killer, still sportin' that natural dead hairstyle. She done hadda make a name change when she joined me on the Cenarion Circle serververse, but that be about all. And we still know what her real name is.
Ratdorf
January 15, 2008
Me, transmogrified inta a dwarf priest. That's right, I were inta transmogrifyin' before it were cool. Over the names I done changed me official name in this form from "Ratshag" ta "Ratdorf", and I done lost the Santa Claus look fer a shorter, braided black-colored stylin'. Get fewer mice livin' in it, that way.
Galertruby
January 21, 2008
He's far too busy bein' profound fer ta actuallies go aware or do anythin'. But we loves him anywho.
Alayda
February 15, 2008
Alayda the festive shaman. She likes fer ta change her hair every six months or so, so the blue topknow be long gone. Is currently a green mohawk. Still got her tusks though - Alayda be a proud troll beauty an' ain't got no interest in tryin' fer ta look like a elf girl.
Palintera
April 15, 2008
Pali's come a long way in Cataclysm, in every respect. She's changed her appearance several times, but always ends up comin' back ta wear she started. 'Course, a lotta the time she looks like a big laser-firin' chicken, but we ain't showin' that today.
Orctacles
May 19, 2008
See if'n ya can tell what changed here.
Phoenicia
June 14, 2008
The Red Hawt Dwarf Chick is still Red Hawt, roflcopter braids an' all, even if'n ya cain't see'em in this pic. What do be different is she started off prot an' now be fury fury screamin-like-a-loonie fury.
Kinnavieve
October 9, 2008
Kinna came on board right at the end of the Burninatin' Crusade, an' I trained her up with the hopes what she could be me replacement as the Team's raider. An' she done succeeded an' made me real proud. Changed her hair and got a lot tougher, but inside she's still that little lumberjack's daughter from Nowhereshire, Elwynn Forest what were taggin' along after me. How'd we get both of us in the same picture? That be a good fuhggin' question....
Vyprania
November 14, 2008
Requiescat in pace September 16, 2010
Don' really feel like talkin' 'bout Vyp, just now.
Maurice
December 21, 2008
Still the Death Knight of Loooove. Still sportin' that 70s pornstache an' drivin' the wimmenz of Stormwind .... elsewhere.
Jinnik
July 10, 2010
Heirlooms. Hard fer ta shake'em, although at some point they's gonna get transmogged inta Ruthless Gladiatiors. Not a lot's changed fer the team's only healer, although she been spendin' more time in BGs than dungeons of late.
The Warrior With No Name
August 5, 2010
Still sportin' a mustache so sharp it'll pierce his helmet. Still got no name, even though he done gone from bein' a lowlie bank alt ta GM of the Free Radicals.
Some of the Team members, especiallies thems what joined after the Shattering, don't really done gotten much attention here in the blog, at least nots yet. Mebbe some other time there'll be a retrospectalizin' fer Fink an' Creighton an' Goblin Hunter Boy (By Night Known As Fezziwhig) an' Justina Price Worgen. But that won't be today, 'cause then it would be now an' not then.
Transmogrification. Sseems like everyone's going flashy. Raid ssets. Arena setss. Sskimpy ssets. Glowing smoke. Glowing sskulls. Glowing glowingsss. All to be noticed.
Screw that. In my line of work, getting noticed meanss getting dead. Even more dead than I already am. So I went with plain, simple, dark. Perfect for skulking in the shadows. Easy accessss to my throwing knivess. And a couple of ssturdy, reliable weapons. They aren't flashy, but baby, you'll feel them.
If only the Crab would let me dual-equip eyepatchess it'd be perfect.
Yesss, the dead chick, the walking abomination in the eyess of nature, brought the gift of life. I hope you appreciate irony, you creepy Night Elf sspirit thing. Now tell that druid to cough up ssome gold or I might become bitter.
Flayers. They eat ground up rockss. They tassste like the mud pies I ate when I was two. Happy happy joy joy.
Orc! Fresh orc! Tasstess like.... orc! No demon blood, no rotted flesh, no mud pie. Plenty for everyone, but for ssome reason my companions didn't want any. At leassst they didn't decide maybe they didn't want to join up with the Horde after all.
It's been three yearss. It's time for those Kor'kron copsss to get their fasscist asses out of our Undercity.
I am in pain.
I am an abomination.
I am hated and feared and loathed everywhere I go.
Dark Lady, watch over me.
Holy crap. Sscrew it, Rattersss can come kill this one himsself.
This world sssucks. It hates me and I hate it. But it'ss the only world I've got, Mr Twilight Cultisst, and sssince you decided you want to desstroy it I am gonna mess you up.
Clackssnapsss. Didn't think they were humanoids, didja? Well, they are, sso I'm eatin' their dead flesh. And their brains. Not bad, but could use some cocktail sssauce.
You would think a shaman of the Earthen Circle, masster of the elements, could build a fire sssmart enough to realize that I'm bloody not standing in it and sstop burning me. Yeah, you'd think, but you'd be wrong.
Tra-la-la, tra-la-la. The abomination in the eyess of nature is cheerfully skipping acrosss the bottom of the ocean. Happy happy joy joy. Tra-la-la, tra-la-la.
Helllooo.
