Wednesday, June 29, 2011

She Told Ya She Were Comin' Fer Ya

Foolish mortals-
Usurper's Children!


Nothing you have done-
Spawn of a lesser god!


I am TRYING to speak here.
Words, words, words. The Master wants murder.


ALL falls to chaos. ALL will be destroyed.
Chaos, chaos!


Your work here today changes nothing.
Chaos, chaos, all things end!


No mortal may see what you have and live. Your end has come.

I think I'm a-gonna break the frickin' jaw on the frickin' right head first.

Editor's Note: Is big hairy Congo rats ta all Kinna's teammates in Parallel fer they's first full clear of the Bastion. Give me regards ta Nefarian.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Is An Important Hypotheticals

Fer the first time evers, we's added a poll question in the sidebar. We needs yer input on this very serious matter!

Is A Raiding Tip Fer Pallies

Eatin yer seafood feast in the cauldron not onlies gives ya an extra 10% ta the buff, but it helps keep yer armor clean and shinies, as required by the Paladin Code.

Askin the scary-arsed mage fer ta helps ya with yer "hard ta reaches" is entirely a judgement call, howevers.

Friday, June 24, 2011

If Dr. Seuss Had Played WoW

Horton Punts A Gnome

Nerf Star-Bellied Sneetches!

I Had Trouble Getting To Solla Sellew because I kept getting ganked.

Magatha Grimtotem Can Moo! Can You?

Instead of stacking, The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins would have each taken up a slot in his bags.

Murlocs In Socks

Green Eggs And Ham would give a +20 Stam buff for 30 minutes.

How The Grinch Ninja'd The Guild Bank

Yertle the Turtle would be a tameable rare spawn on an 8-hour timer.

One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Goddammit I Hate Fishing

The Lorax would be a dual-specced resto / elemental Shaman.

The Cat in the Epic Pauldrons With All the Skulls and Smoke and Stuff

The Wisdom Of Ol' Sour Breath: Raiding In Firelands

Don't stand in the fire.




Off with ye!

Disclaimer: Views expressed by Ol' Sour Breath do not necessarily reflect the views of, Google, or their affiliates.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Is Where Pali Finds Some Things Change, And Some Don't

Hi everone, this is Pali.

It's been a long six months since the Cataclysm, and there's a lot to fill you in on. For starters, as you can see, I'm in Outland now...
...and it looks just like it did that night three years ago that 'licious and I came here to see the Portal. After showing the Hordies they couldn't kick us out of the Gulch, we'd caught a mage teleport to Shattrath, then hopped a gryphon to Hellfire. We were so full of piss and vinegar then, strong and beautiful and not afraid of nothin' - not even a Pit Lord. That night we made love for the first time, and she told me her real name, and I knew we'd be together forever.

The demons are still attacking the Black Portal, trying to fight their way into Azeroth. The Alliance and the Horde still fight a desperate battle to keep them out. It is as if Illidan were still sitting in the Black Temple, and Doom Lord Khazzak was still taunting us from his throne up on the plateau, and time had decided to stand still. I can close my eyes and for a moment believe we are still those two kids, brave and invincible. And then I open my eyes, and I remember.

It was last December that Deathwing's tsunami slammed into the coast of Tanaris, ripping us apart and nearly drowning me. The next morning I worked my way along the edge of what was now a dead, briny inland sea, calling her name, growing more and more desperate. It was the vultures which finally found her for me. They were circling over something, getting lower, and when I ran to it I saw that it was Feral, lying in a heap against a pile of boulders. Still breathing, thank goddess. Her head had struck one of the rocks, and there was some blood, but not too much. I closed my eyes and reached into her, searching for internal injuries. It was clumsy and awkward without my armor and its enchants to channel the earth's energy to me - sort of like playing the flute while wearing mittens - but I did the best I could. What I saw- well, it was bad. Couple broken ribs and broken tibia weren't too bad, but inside her skull there was blood and other fluids building up, putting pressure on her brain. I tried to ease the fluids out, to repair the damage, but it was hard, so hard, I didn't know what to do, I couldn't channel the energy, it kept slipping away from me, I was so scared and she wouldn't wake up no matter what I did!


Sorry. Remembering that, that was hard. Just give me a minute, I'll be okay.

We couldn't stay where we were. There was no shelter, no water, no .... anything. Just sand and seawater pools and vultures. Watching us, always watching. So, after I'd done what I could, I picked her up and started walking. There was no way Steamwheedle Port could survived that wave, so I headed inland towards Gadgetzan, and tried not to think about what it would mean if the wave had reached the city. I followed the edge of this new bay, trying to stay on solid ground and not get bogged down in the pools. Along the way there were plenty of corpses - basilisks, hyenas, strange creatures pulled from the ocean depths, even a few humans - but nothing living. Except the vultures - they were doing fine. A couple of times I found rock outcroppings large enough to cast shadows, and I paused in the relative cool to rest and try to reduce the pressure in poor Feral's head. Maybe by crude field magic was keeping her alive - I couldn't tell - but it clearly wasn't to heal her. I slept a bit; fitful, restless, anxious naps. I walked all night with her in my arms, thanking Elune for the full moon. I kept going the next day as well, but it was getting harder. My feet were raw from walking on sand and stones, and burning from the salt. My back and face and ears were burned from the sun, and it was getting harder to keep carrying Feral. And I was thirsty, oh I was so thirsty.

That second night, I had to stop and rest for a few hours. I knew the longer it took to get Feral to a proper healer the worse her chances were, but I just needed to rest, just for a little while. I don't know that if I slept really - my muscles ached like they never had before, my back and arms and legs and uh, well, ummm, my butt felt like they were on fire even though the sun had gone down. A few hours before dawn I figured as was as recovered as I was going to get. I kissed Feral on her lips, which were as cracked and swollen as mine, and gently picked her up. I had no idea how much farther it was to Gadgetzan, or if it even still existed, but it didn't really matter. Either I would get us there that day, or I wouldn't have the strength to carry her any farther and we would both die in that shattered desert.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Well This Be A Fuhggin' Disappointment

Poor Galertruby were hopin' fer ta get at least twice that much fer the little feller.

Monday, June 13, 2011

If Shakespeare Had Worked Fer Blizzard

Rosenpants and Guildenbubba would still be dead glubbernuggers.

Lady Vashj and Garrosh Hellscream woulda hidden they's love from they's feuding factions, with tragic resulifications.

The mats fer a Big Cauldron of Battle would includes "eye of newt", "baboon's blood", and "liver of a blaspheming Jew".

Instead of "kill ten rats", yer quest would be ta "write ten sonnets."

Alexstrasza would be played by a man.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Galertruby's Advice Fer Congressman Weiner

Garhhl. Gahhl galha Garrrahhalagh.

Glahar agghala gla, alahrglahagl garhlha aggha. Aglarh gahl glaha arhglha. Aghahll garhhr glahhlglhaarhga ghallah allha, garrharlh agghal ga arhhh galahhargh. Gaha aggl!






Gla! Glhaggla agg larhg galhagga ghaha alahg, glah, gahaghga gahlgal allahg glha.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Beast Of The Highlands

"It's the Beast, isn't it?" asked Graylish Stonehammer.

"Dere is no Beast, mon," replied Ugglethok. "It just be a tale ta scare da newbies."

With a crash, something heavy struck the thick oak door. It held, but the iron nails holding the hinges to the wall groaned alarmingly. A strange white smoke began to enter the room through the gaps around the doorframe and rise toward the ceiling of the room.

"Oh.... this was not in my contract," whimpered Ugglethok's Imp.

"I heard the Beast wiped out an entire company out by Thundermar," said little Petunia Sharpwhistle.

"I heard the Beast eats raw human liver for breakfast," said Graylish, nervously working his totems into gaps in the floor stones.

Another crash against the door. Two nails came loose and flew across the room.

"I heard if you cut the Beast's head off it can just grow a new one," whispered Duncan LeStrange, shadows swirling around him.

"I don' believe you crybabies," spat out Ugglethok.

"All you lot, shut it," growled big Jayla Runehoof. "You all took an oath - think on that, not on some monster that may or may not even exist. Now, whatever comes through that door, you will fight it, to your last breath. Our lives mean nothing next to our duty. Be strong and stop this, or I swear I will kill you all myself."

The door was struck by yet another blow, and it was too much. With a tortured groan it fell into them room, breaking into smoldering pieces. Through the haze of white smoke an armored figure stepped into the room. Jayla shouted and charged, striking the attacker with her shield backed by her huge strength and bulk and driving it back several feet. Savagely she swung her sword down, striking the armored head with a resounding clang. The Imp hurled a fireball at it from the side, splashing the enemy with a blast of heat. Petunia shrieked something in Gnomish Binary and struck at the legs from the other side. It was working - they were going to win!

And then the Beast struck back. A huge mace, swung with both hands, struck Jayla's shield, completely shattering it and knocking her back into the room. White fire swept across the room, burning them all. Swinging back, the mace caught the Imp, flinging him into the air and into the far wall. It fell to the ground in a heap, whimpering "not like this ... not like this..." Graylish called upon the air spirits to unleash a lightning bolt upon the invader, but before he could finish the incantation the Beast turned and looked at him. It was a woman he realized, her face burned and scarred. Her eyes narrowed and she cried out, "Repent!" Suddenly, every sin, every guilt, every bad deed since his childhood filled the Dwarf's mind. He was sorry, so sorry, please, I didn't mean for it to happen, I'm sorry. The fight continued without him as he stood, helpless.

Petunia slid behind the Beast, taking advantage of the smoke and shadows to hide her movement. But before she could strike into its vulnerable back, a new figure appeared. A tall winged figure wielding a flaming sword and appearing to be made entirely of light. With a cry she turned to face it, knives flashing, but they passed through this apparition with no apparent effect. Then the terrible swift sword came down and sliced through her neck, ending the roguish Gnome's life.

Graylish watched helplessly, paralyzed with guilt, as Jayla, Ugglethock, and Duncan tried to surround the Beast and overwhelm it with sword, shadowbolt, and mind blast. But it was no use. She was too fast, too strong. She was spinning, dodging, striking. Ugglethock's staff broke with a sharp crack, then Duncan's head exploded like a mellon when the big mace caught it. Jayla roared and charged again, one last desperate attempt to overpower the Beast. But she slipped to the side and, as the big tauren hurtled past, brought her mace down on the backs of her legs. Jayla cried out in pain and collapsed to the floor. Alone, Ugglethok's courage left him, and he turned to flee, but a hammer of light struck him in the back and he fell unmoving to the floor, his robes burning.

Graylish struggled to overpower the guilt that gripped his mind, to push all those memories back into the dark corners where they had come from. Finally, it began to work. His head was clearing, he could feel his connection to the spirits returning. Now where had that woman got to? He turned, fingers poised to unleash elemental vengeance upon her, but it was too late. He saw that horrible blood-drenched mace fill his vision, then he saw nothing at all.

The Beast stood alone in the room, holding the mace loosely in one hand, surveying the carnage she had inflicted. Slowly, she walked over to where Jayla lay, armored sabotons ringing on the stone floor. She slid the mace under the tauren's arm and lifted, rolling her onto her back. Breathing raggedly, Jayla looked up at the Beast, vision red with impotent anger. Her legs were shattered and she could tell she'd never walk again, let alone fight. She tried to spit at her enemy, but the smoke and heat had dried her throat and she could only manage a rasping hack.

"I want you to deliver a message for me," said the Beast, her voice suprisingly soft. "Tell Cho'gall Kinnavieve is coming for both of him. The world is going to end - for him."

And then the Beast turned, and walked away.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Is Just 1500 Days Ta Go

Plus some change. Julie, aka Shianti, aka teh Tiz, aka Mrs Ratshag, done get herself her latest full-body scanificationalizing. And the results sez "Nopes, no sign of cancer in ya." So, them seven months of really nasty crapitude she hadda go through last year is still holdin' up. Every day what the cancer don't come back, them odds what it will gets a little bit smaller. And, like I said, just fifteen hudreds more days and it'll be down ta "ya can stops worrying now." So, is a good.

Lotta you buggers done been real helpfuls with yer support and all, and we really appreciates it, so I wanted fer ta share this bit of good news.

Mmmmmm Nekkid Hunterettes

Is apparentlies gonna be a new spirit beast soons what requires ya fer ta take off yer armors in orders ta tame it without gettin' smushed. I's gonna enjoys me some viewifications of tasty elf, drenainae, trallop, orclady, dwarfette, and hoomin flesh.

Gonna pass on BRK and all them male dwarf types though. After 52,383 HoS runs and Brann's "Soon, all will be revealed" schtick, I's seen me enough revealed dwarfman fer ta last me a lifetime.