Quest Givers!

Can your warrior levitate to the same height as a night elf what gives good resurrection? No. But the Warrior With No Name can. And he will. And I will too. So will you.

I hope so.

I know so.

Mana cake? O-kay.

Galertruby's Guide To Documenting You Are Eligible To Be President

Unfortunatelies, young Galertruby weren't ables fer ta find his long-form Certificate of Birth. So he's goin' with what he can find in his files, and hopin' that'll do ta satisfies the looneys.

Garhhl. Gahhl galha Garrrahhalagh.

Gllah gahr allahhgrl ghallagl gah. Agh glahhgl glahhgl garrh gahhlahr glahhr, ga gallhahl! Aglhha gahllragl gllah aghhrla gahhllrah gah glaghhlh glahh. Aghahll garhhr glahhlglhaarhga ghallah allha, garrharlh agghal ga arhhh galahhargh. Glallh garrh, gahhlahglahhr agglh ahghlagl glagglha ga arhhh.

Gaghaha aglah agghr laghalagh grahagl, gaghaha glhahg agrgha laghahrag. Glhaggla agg larhg galhagga ghaha alahg, glah, gahaghga gahlgal allahg glha:

• Glaghhl gahrgha ghahagg glah
• Agghal galgh gahhragla agg ghaglh
• Glarhga allahg
• Laghl gahagllarahgahalhgrhagl

Glaglha gha, aggrahgl lahg gahhaglarh. Garrh glahaggl glha agghalarg agglahar ghaggl aglha. Agglh ahghlagla agh grrhal, gallha gra gahhllha gallraghl ahl lagglarh. Gahhaga:

• Gallhr glah garrahhalglar
• Agrhh glagglha gha ghrallhalha
• Gha
• Allagha gha glahhal

Gahagrl!

Glahhgrl glah arrlh aggrhala gahhl glha. Glahg grahhglh glhhlhalha gahhr garrha, aglh glhha gharhl. Glhagl gllha ahhr glahhlglhaarhga ghallah allhag. Gllha garrharlh aglhha gahllragl. Gllah aghhrla gahhllrah gah glaghhlh glahh, gahhl aghhr garahhghlahhrgh aghraahl glhahhl gahhlah. Glah aghr Ghrallhahl gha gahrrlagahr agh gahlagh. Agghlagh garrh arhhlagh gahl grah glahhghl. Glahgl arhlg glah:

• Gllah gahr allahhgrl GhallaglGah
• Laggaha glha aghal
• Agh graglha ahgha
• Gahhllrah gah glaghhlh

Glhargal glah agglha arglhaglh, gahalg aggla gahrlagghl. Laggharlag agglha gah. Aglh aglha gallh gahll gahrrallah. Agrhh glagglha gha ghrallhalha ghagglha gaharrgh glha agglahg, agh argalagh gahhll garhh ahhghr glahh.

Alhhagh gha,
Garrrahhalagh

How I Wake Meself Up In The Morning

From the wretched hive of scum and villiany what be the Blog Azeroth chat room:

Maerdred: that sounds like a blast. How do you do it? I have been in bed by 10 for the past three nights and I still wake up hating the world.

Fimlys: eh, just do
Fimlys: not happy in the morning, but a shower wakes me up enough
Fimlys: lots of diet coke.. lol

Maerdred: I'm on my second coffee, and it's not helping. lol

Fimlys: :) yeah, i'm really not sure the diet coke works, but i can believe it does.. and so, probably, it does

Jed: red bull gets me through the morning

Maerdred: red bull makes me want to vomit.
Maerdred: that may actually wake me up.

Jed: well then...stay away from my red bull then

Fimlys: if i need an energy drink type thing I prefer "5 hour energy) because it's just basically a shot of something

Jed: i havent tried that yet

Maerdred: I've never tried the 5 hour energy things. I hear they taste horrible

Jed: i should try it out and see how it is

Ratshag: I just keeps a deisel generator under my desk, and hook it up to me two big toes in the morning

Jed: that explains a lot

Is Not Forgettings

Blizzard Fail

Appears everybodies what's account were auto-billed on Monday done got borked by an error in the accountings department, and were told they's accounts was not paid up. This includified me. So, since I weren't gettin' in fer me Thursday Night Groupifying, I ran me some Gimp tutorials and doodled with text ideas. Here be a couple of the better ones.

All That Is Gold Don't Fuhggin' Glitter

So, some guilds is done reached Level 25 now. Yay them. One bugger even bragged about blowin' several hundred thousand gold payin' folks ta run dungeons overs and overs and overs so's his guild could ding 25 before anyone else on the realm and get the cheevement. What do this mean ta me (and what should it mean ta you)? Not. One. Glubbernuggin'. Thing.

Let's look at the Free Radicals, where the Warrior With No Name and his friends get tagethers every Thursday ta kill some monsters, kill a glass of wine or Diet Coke or two, and talk smack about Stayappa when he goes afk.

Wow, look at them underwhelming numbers. Current estimication be, the guild'll hit Level 2 around late May. Maybe. But folks is having they's fun, which is kinda the point, ain't it?

It ain't a race, you buggers. Lettin' yerself feel like it be just sets ya up fer feelin' like yer losin'. Find yer funs, whichevers they is, and let the levels take care of theyselves.

Is Important Message Fer Ninjas

It don't matters how sneakified ya be....

....when yer followin' a flubberbumpin' paladin inta battle, they's gonna see ya comin'.

Well, Ghostcrawler Did Promise Danger Mouse A Pony

What? Where iss it written that walking abominationsss in the eyess of nature can't have fun in the pool?

Giddyup, trussty sssteed. We're gonna head'em off at the passs.

Happy happy joy joy.

Mmmmm Salty

Is not oftens what one gets fer ta go up against a raid boss solo wieldin' nuthins but a fishing pole. I ain't recomendifying it. Howevers, fer a meta cheevement and a new title, I'll does anythin' once.

Oh, and Mr Pinchy sez "hi."

Is Friday Night Drunken Spike Quotings

Ratshag: We likesh ta talk big... vampires do. "I's going to destroy the fuhggin' world." That'sh just tough-guy talk. Strutting around with your friendsh over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You's got...armadillo racing, Mancheshter Unitified....hic! And you've got peoples. Billions of peoplesh walking around like fluggernubbin' Happy Meals with legsh.

Danger Mouse: Blood isssh life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keepss you going. Makessh you warm....hic! Makes you hard. Makessh you other than dead.

Alayda: Dracula? Dat poncy bugger owe me 11 pounds, mon, for one t'ing....hic!

Phoenicia: If every vampire fa shaid he was at th' crucifixion was actually thaur, it woods hae bin loch Woodstock. Ah wash actually at Woodstock. 'at wash a weird gig. Ah fed aff a flower bodie, an' 'en Ah spent th' next a shcuttle hoors watchin' mah hain move.

Maurice: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left....hic! She didn't even care enough to cut off my head, or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know?...hic! Some little sign that she cared?...hic!

Kinnavieve: I love shyphilis more than you.

Puffin: Have we met?...hic!
Noggle: You hit me with an ax one time. Remember? Uh, 'Get the hell away from my daughter!'
Puffin: Oh. Right....hic!

Gigglesmash: That's right ...hic! I'm back, and I'm a bloody animal! *giggle* (dammit....hic!)

Creighton: I may be love'sh bitch, but at leasht I'm man enough to admit it
The Warrior With No Name: I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monshter. But you treat me like a man. And that'sh...Get your stuff. I'll be here.

Fish Tremble At The Mention Of Me Name

Just likes ogres, murlocs, worgs, cows, insane Tuskars, Timmy the Cruel, yeti, ghosts of the Highborn, gnolls, arakkoa, Chillmaw, scorpions, bears, abominations, muddy crawfish, pirates, clefthoofs, crocolisks, Amani trolls, Attumen the Hunter, skeletal casters, Scarlet Crusaders, quillboar, nagas, fire elementals, void walkers, gronn, that one white-furred furbolg in Felwood, insecure boyfriends, Alterac rams, vrykul, fel orcs, centaur, pirates, zombie pirates, infernals, wolvar, that dude with all the feathers, spiders, cultists, panthers, tigers, raptors, Knucklerot, Luzran, dwarf archeologists, zombie trolls, mo'arg, kegs of ale, dark iron dwarves, blue dragons, black dragons, infinite dragons, Gamon, kobolds, wind elementals, zombie ninja pirates, pygmies, bears, iron dwarves, oozes, magnataur, fel reavers, satyrs, peaceful farmers in Hillsbrad, wretched, Dragonmaw ascendants, and target dummies.

Is Where Kinnavieve Sez "Ewwww!"

He wants me to change into this disguise where? In the ogre outhouse? This is a joke, right? All right, folks, you can come out now and say "Ha ha, Kinna, you were actually going to go in there, weren't you? You noob!"

*crickets*

Why can't I just go behind a frickin' tree or something?

Fine. I'll go change in the damn outhouse. I'll just grit my teeth and get it over with. Oh hells. I thought .... it smelled bad .... on the outside ....

What's that moving over there? No, don't look, don't wanna know, don't wanna know, don't wanna know. Maybe I could just consecrate the ground a little. Just a bit, you know, take the edge off, maybe a little more, okay more, c'mon holy fire do your stuff....

BY THE HOLY FRICKIN' LIGHT! This thing just belched at me. That's it! I'm outta here! I'm a-gonna fly to Darnasus, I'm a-gonna rent a room, I'm a-gonna take a shower, I'm a-gonna put this disguise on there, I'm a-gonna send the bill to Malfurion.

Stupid stinky Blizzard grumble grumble bathroom humor mutter not right mutter grumble mother's basements grumble amberseeds grumble grumble ogres grumble mutter out of toilet paper mutter grumble mutter...

The Fuhg Am I Doin' Back In Stranglethorn?

In the rain?

Oh yeah, I's fishin' fer floatin' pirate junk. 'Cause, well, I ain't that bright.

Wee Things

"Oh, Ratshag! You have saved the wee animals, with their soft furry paws and little wet noses! You rushed into the fires to rescue them. I would do anything to thank you for saving my little friends, anything at all. That was so brave of you, so impressive, so .... amazingly .... virile. You are ... mmmm .... very strong. Do you work out? You know, I make noises like a chipmunk when I get really excited...."

I guess the buggers what resented fer ta haveta do this quest in Hyjal is the ones what think a quest reward always be limited ta a fistful of coins and a "choose this belt or them boots."

TFIF*

*Thank Freyja It's Friday

Seems only fairs what ta give credit where credit be due.

Everyone Remember These Shoulders?

Unless yer luckies enough ta play in a totally Horde-dominatified serververse, I bet ya does. They was the Alliance plate T9s, and after patch 3.3 landed they was bein' worn by approximatelies 723% of the peoples runnin' around Dalaran. Why 3.3, when they'd been introduced in 3.2? Because 3.3 were the patch that Blizz through out the crappy, seldom-used "Lookin' Fer Groupies" and replaced it with no-muss no-fuss "Dungeon Finder".

Let's think about that fer a second.

DF appeared right at the same time when the emblems were changed, making iLevel 232 gear the cheapest ya could buy. Yeah, the vendors still had some 200 and 213 and 226 gear, but the sets was incomplete and they actually cost more. So now ya had a situation where everybodies could get inta heroic dungeons easy, everybodies wanted ta get inta heroic dungeons, and high level raid gear was cheap as dirt. What happened? That's right.

Everyone wanted T9, everyone got T9, and heroic bossess went down fasters than Booty Bay whoores. Didn't matter what ya was with four total randoms, many of whom didn't know what a threat table were or what them lucky charms over the trash's heads meant - as long as folks was sportin' T9, ya overpowered everything. Whether ya liked it this way or not, it were the reality.

Now, though, reality be different. Dungeons is longer, fights is complicateder, and nobody - 100% nobody - is so geared up what they can roflstomp like they could a year ago. We ain't in the magic land of 3.3 no mores. So, runs take longer, groups cycle through less frequentlies, mistakes and ignorance hurt, and a lotta folks is saying "I don't wanna pug - I'll stick with the buggers I know." So queue times, if yer a poor dps on his own, is longer.

Well, duh.

Blizz done announced just now "Call Ta Arms", ta try ta get more folks ta queue up as tanks all by theyselves. Throwin' a bag of gold at'em, with a gem inside too, maybe a pet, maybe maybe a mount. They's tryin' fer ta bring queue times back down ta what they was. Truth is, though, no amount of bribin' done gonna bring back 3.3. Not untils 4.3, anyhow. They could send Marilyn Monroe ta tanks' houses fer ta give thems a jolly, or whatever the eqivalent'd be fer wimmenz tanks, and it still wouldn't be enough of a bribe fer ta make us forgets what these days mistakes and ignorance hurt, and most days it just ain't worth it so we'll just run with our guildies thankee very much.

Is me opinion. 'Course, I's just a simple orc from Durotar, so mebbe I's wrong.  Mebbe folks is still wantin' Anzu enough what this'll temptify them and queue times'll drop ta twenty seconds fer everyone. But I ain't countin' any chickens 'til they done crossed the road.

Hello Quest Givers

Did you know adventurers prefer properly attuned items as quest rewards one bajillion times more than plate armor with agility and spirit?


Did you know the Warrior With No Name is riding this rocket behind a goblin?

 Heyaah!

Nightmare

There's too many of them, Yevaa. I can't hold them off much longer - you've gotta hurry with that ritual. Die, you frickin' ball of ooze! C'mon, Kinna, keep fighting, gotta hold'em, gotta, gotta, gotta, AIYEEEEEE!

Wha? Thrall? The Maelstrom? How? How did I....?

"I bring you back from the brink of death, Kinnavieve. We are in need of your aid!"

Wow. Thrall. Ratters always admired him, his vision. Just standing here with him, I can begin to see why. So strong, so bold. And, well, he saved my life. Alright, Warchief, um, I mean, shaman. What do you need me do? Just point me where you want me, and I'll get the job done.

"There's no time! Deathwing struck before we could form against him. If you do not stop him, the Earthen Ring will end this day!"

Wait, what? Deathwing? No, wait, there must be some mistake. I'm not prepared. I'm not ready. I- I- I-

"NOBUNDO! NOOO!"

Light preserve me, I can't. Can't do anything. So scared. So scared. Gotta do something. Thrall, help me. Protect me. Save me.

"You wil die this day, Earthwarder! Kinnavieve will see to it!"


Why aren't you listening to me? I told you, I can't! He's too big. I'm too scared. I shouldn't be here. I'm not ready. Please - I just want to go home.

"Aggra... this can't be... this has gone too far..."

I'm sorry. I know you're counting on me, but I can't. I can't fight him. He's too big, and I'm too small, too weak. Please. I don't want to be here.

"Do something, you useless human. My allies are giving their lives for you!"

I'm sorry. It's all my fault. So scared. So weak. I can't. Can't beat him, can't fight. He'd just kill me too, don't you see?

"Muln falls! And the Earthen Ring dies with him."

Please. Make it stop. Somebody make it stop. Let me go, Thrall. Please, let me go home.

"You've failed us all, Kinnavieve. Deathwing has won. The world is doomed."

Sorry. So sorry. My fault. Too weak. I just can't. All my fault. So sorry, so sorry. Please. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not ready. So scared.


He's coming for us now. Going to burn me again. No, please no. I'm sorry. It's all my fault. Too weak, too small, useless, worthless, all dead, fire, burn, please, I'm sorry, no, please, my fault, I'm sorry, no, want to go home, I'm sorry, too weak my fault I'm sorry no no fire please no sorry can't home fault no please weak sorry burn can't pain no sorry weak fire no sorry stop sorry can't sorry weak sorry fire sorry stop sorry please sorry weak sorry fault sorry please sorry no no no no please no no no no no no

 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"We're surrounded! Its defenses are too great. Kinnavieve! Wake up!"

Wha? Huh? Yevaa? Where? Still inside the Maw? Oozes and tentacles and acid? All right, this I can handle. Diddle with my brain, will you, you monster? Well, I'm back in my own head now and I'm a-gonna frickin' diddle your brain. With. My. Axe.

If World Of Warcraft Were A Reality TV Show

Vol'jin done woulda flipped over a table and called Garrosh a "prostitution whore!"

Thirty really hot single young wimmens would all live tagether in a big house and competify fer ta be Yogg-Saron's one true love (or at least get a really fabulous diamond ring and an all-exclusives tell-all deal with a major tabloid). Runners up will be consumed by madness.

The daily cooking quest in Stormwind would wave a 30 minute time limit, and yer quest items would be judged against Dirge Quickcleave's.

Afters every boss kill, raid members would votify the weakest link off the island outta the guild.

Azeroth's Deadliest Catch: gruff but lovable seamen battle the elements and Nagas and pirates and Kvaldir and Murlocs fer ta harvest enormous sand crabs. Nobody's sure why.

The Donald would be a world boss, tuned fer a 40-man raid group, and would drop epic toupees.

King Jokkum,  Tabetha, Millhouse Manastorm, Blood-Queen Lana'thel, Shade of Aran, Magatha Grimtotem, Siouxsie the Banshee, and Hogger would share a beach house on the Durotar Shore for three months. Every night they would go into Sen'jin Village, looking fer ta drink and hook up.

Haris Pilton would be a recognized name. Oh wait....