Saturday, July 31, 2010

Is where Kinnavieve Sings A Song

Kinnavieve's been tanking some randoms lately, gettin' emblems fer ta buy heirlooms with. Is mostlies been positive experiences, but the other day I heard her mutterin' about some hunter misdirecting onta her while she were gettin mana. Them tankadins, thay does get fussy about  they's mana. They should just run off rage, like regular tanks. Anywho, was laters in the day I heard her singin' some slightly modified Heart....

Caught you in the act
Can't put up with that
Pulling when you shouldn't be
I wanna hear you say you're sorry
'Cause nobody takes advantage of me

Missing the mark, you're shooting in the dark
I'm pulling the wool from my eyes
Baby, don't pull when I'm drinking
It's gonna hurt you if it happens twice

If looks could kill
You'd be lying on the floor
You'd be begging me please please
Kinna don't hurt me no more
If looks could kill
You'd be reeling from the pain
And you'd never pull again
If looks could kill

Thursday, July 29, 2010

If RL Was An MMO: Sex

You repeat the same 4-6 moves over and over, unless you're a bear - they just spam swipe.

You need to tune out both 247 random strangers making "anal" jokes, and your spouse sticking their head into the room to ask if you're at a good stopping point.

In addition to a condom, you should always keep a flask, five potions and a fish feast in your wallet.

Someone will always criticize your equipment, or your technique. Or both.

Doing it with a priest is socially acceptable.

You sometimes get someone good by calling out "LFM!", but usually it's just freaks and weirdos.

If it isn't going well, you can just say "afk cat on fire" and leave.

You will sometimes need to get up and move to another location, because the bed is suddenly covered in green toxic ooze. 

At the end, you get a 15-second buff: "Orgasm: a pleasant sensation of release." You will know you have achieved this because there is a small icon in the top right corner of your screen.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Monday, July 26, 2010

Ya Can Always Tell Who Be The Good Guys

... 'Cause they's the ones what pays you.

Now, I know, yer thinkin' "Ratters? Ain't Twilight's Hammer evil and all old-god worshippy?" To which I replies, Oh come on. What are the odds that these ancient tablets be the ones what unlocks the secret ta destroying the world? Is gotta be like one in a fuhggin' million.

Oh, and after we was done with the transactions, I asked her if she'd seen Buffy lately. She said she didn't know what I was talkin' about. Guess ya fergets stuff, bein' a walking corpse.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Is Where We Secure The Rear

So all you raiding buggers been working on the Ice Cream Social, goin' after the big bad Lich King hisself, and that's a good. But meanwhiles Naxxramas done rose up from the dead again, and be threatenings ta cut off the supply lines.Fortunatelies fer you buggers, the Purge was kept in reserve fer just such an emergencification. And fer the past six months we been cuttin' the place down so's you ain't gots ta worry 'bout it. (Yeah, I know, we's a little slow. Is why we's in the reserve. Work with me here, you buggers.)

So, couple weeks ago we finally made it ta Kel'Thuzad's inner sanctum. Didn't manage fer ta put the bugger down that time, so we went back last night aimings ta take care of business, once and fer all.
Was had Me and Big Bad Guun doing the tankings, and Zinzi what Gives Good Resurrection and Tarsius the Grumpy Druid was joined on heals by newly-minted 80th season shammy Cameron and her Huge Tracts of Land (Cameron be from Team Shianti - yay!). Fer dps we had Rim Who Is Awesome, Unsuptail the Shambler, Bald-as-a-Baby's-Butt Throttle and Bullvyne and his MQSRDPSPDQASAP. Couple of "Remembers what I said 'bout not standing in red circles of screaming death" episodes later, and Mister I-Ain't-Got-A-Butt-Ta-Put-Down-Cause-I-Ain't-Got-Legs was doing his impression of a sparkly bowling ball, and we all picked up a cheesement or two.

Is our group photo, as required by contract. Somehows, Cameron managed fer ta not be in the shot. Is a female orc in the guild fer reals, I swearz! Mebbe I can get K fer ta add her in with her mad leet boss-kill photoshoppings skillz....

Thursday, July 22, 2010

If Movies Was MMOs

The S.S. Titanic tries to tank even though it is not def-capped, and is critted by an iceberg on heroic mode.

Toy Story
Woody, resentful over losing his raiding slot to the new toy, goes on the realm forums using his level one alt "Army Man #7" and accuses Buzz of being a ninja.

Raiders of the Lost Ark
Indiana Jones receives a three day suspension for exploiting a known bug when he uses his gun instead of his whip to one-shot a scimitar-wielding boss.

Rambo III
John Rambo would free the POWs from their bamboo cages, but he's already done that quest.

Snow White
Snow White is an easy target on the battlefield, having rolled a healer when everyone else on her team is a gnome rogue.

Alien battle-rez ftw!

The Terminator
"Okay, Sarah Conner, when he transforms into a robot skeleton, that's Phase Two. He hits twice as hard, but his movement is reduced 30%, so you need to kite him around the factory."

Finding Nemo
Nemo's Dad grows increasingly frustrated that Dory can't remember if they're supposed to go through the trench or over the trench. I mean, it's not like she hasn't already done this quest on, like, thirteen other alts ffs.

Star Wars
Luke Skywalker wipes eighty-three times before successfully destroying the Death Star. He then farms it every week for the next two months, hoping that [Grand Moff Tarkin's Mantle of Villiany] will drop.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Vyprania's Story: We Press On

After defeating the young orc, The Left Claw entered the upper spire of Ice Crown Citadel. Arthas had clear been busy during his years of exile here in the North, constructing an enormous fortress high above the plateau. Perhaps it extended deep into the glaciers as well - it was hard to judge the scale of the place. One could not help but feel tiny and insignificant amidst such gigantic architecture.

I suspect that was the idea.

We left Muradin and his marines to guard the landing platform while we advanced into the citadel. At first resistance was light - evidently they had not expected us to be able to defeat Saurfang, and had not concentrated reserves behind him. Within an hour, however, we began to be attacked from above by winged Val'kyr. We managed to drive them off without anyone being knocked off of the catwalks, but there were several close calls. We reached an unexposed section of the citadel, and realized we were in the heart of Arthas' research department. Huge tubes with plague solutions running through them, undead gnome scientists in gas masks, dogs constructed from spare body parts and wearing collars identifying them as "Precious" and "Stinky". Completing the nightmarish horror were two giant abominations, even larger and more powerful than the patchwerk monstrosity that had once roamed the halls of Naxxramas. At the center of it all we found "Professor Putricide", the mad scientist behind it all. He looked like he might have once been someone's sweet but absent-minded uncle, but he fought us with everything he had - slimes, plagues, transforming potions. We took casualties, but in the end we slew him.

And then we pressed on.

It took four days to work our way through the citadel, clearing room by room. We slept in shifts, some resting while others pushed forward. Sometimes the Argent Crusade or the Knights of the Ebon Blade were able to lend us reinforcements, but usually we were on our own. We were tired, hungry, bloodied. Scared. Would we reach the end of this nightmare alive, or was it all just another of Arthas' traps? We fought through the San'layn, the Darkfallen, the doomed one-time followers of Kael'thas, now helpless minions of the Lich King. Were we destined to end our days like them? I watched hopelessly as the Val'kyr champion Sister Svalna struck down Captain Rupert of the Argent Crusade, only to raise him up as her minion. He had been one of the few Argent Crusade officers to accept me as a peer and show an understanding of what it meant to be a former agent of Arthas, even though he was Forsaken and not a death knight. Nevertheless, when he began throwing his grenades against us I was forced to cut him down with my swords, and the voices in my head cried out for his blood as strongly as they did for any other enemy. It made me weep in bitterness and frustration.

And then we pressed on.

We rescued a member of the green dragonflight, Valithria Dreamwalker, who was being held prisoner and tortured. We fought through waves of undead Nerubians and Vrykul. We reached the nesting platform of Arhtas' greatest weapons, his frost wyrms. There was Rimefang, who had caused so much disruption to the raid at the Pit of Saron. There was his sibling Spinestalker. And there was Sindragosa, once the proud consort of Malygos, slain by Neltharion, and now yet another of the Lich King's puppets. She was a powerful, spiteful foe, and her frost aura and icy tombs nearly destroyed us all. But we held firm, and our healers kept us standing, and in the end she fell before us. Perhaps now she could be at peace. If so, then maybe there could be hope for me as well.

And then we pressed on.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Is Palintera's 40th Season

Happy Birthday, Pali!

Thanks, 'licious. Do you like my new hat? Morani and Sally got it for me. Wasn't that thoughtful of them?

It's a very nice hat. Although, I like the rest of your new outfit even more. All feathers and skulls. Although the feathers tickle my nose when I-

Stop that, you goof! The readers are watching!

*wicked grin* Let'em!

No, no, no. Later, sweetie. After my moonkin form lesson with Fylerian Nightwing.

How's that been going?

Pretty good. I mean, there are still a few occasional mishaps, but my space lasers are coming along nicely. Oh! About the hat - I ran into Kitty, and he thought it was so spiffy that he's going to ask Ghostcrawler to put one just like into the beta, only with hunter stats. And because those two are tight like, well, you know ... *blush* ... I'm sure it'll happen. So, all our hunter friends will have something to look forward to!

Well, that's a yay for them.

It is indeed.

Now, about those feathers...

Friday, July 16, 2010

Too Soon, Major Dingleberry!

Is a big world, but it ain't big enough fer both an oversized fire elemental and a band of buggers known as the Purge. So last night six of us went down inta the Molted Core and fuhgged with him. Was Big Bad Guun and his twin ivory-handled axes, and Throttle the Tinker, and Rim with his Ice Bolts set ta Frigidaire, and Zinzi what gives Good Resurrection, and Tarsius the Grumpy Druid, and me.

Took us longer fer ta get everyones over there and attuned ta the Core than it did ta rumble through the place. 'Cept we missed Gehennas way back near the beginning and hadda run back ta put his arse down. Along the way I picked up me first two pieces of the spiffy T1 set (bracers an' pantaloons). Then we bitch slapped Majordomo Sillyface around some, and then it were showtime.

Ragnaros, he's a big dude. And he can knock ya around a bit with that hammer of his. But I always landed on me feet and charged right back in fer more. And in the end that glubbernugger got his arse knocked all the way back ta the Elemental Soupbowl. Or Elemental Platter. Or whatevers the fuhg they call it. Some piece of dishware. Point is, don't figger we'll be seeing his scorched face again anytime soon.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Told You Buggers He's Profound

Galertruby writes like
James Joyce
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I Looked Under Chairs, I Looked Under Glubbernuggin' Tables

Somethin somethin', I dunno the words, Attumen's stables?
Them buggers call me the Seeker, I's been searchin fuhggin' low and high.

(And is gettin' old, I tells ya....)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

"Don't Go Nowheres," Sez The Raid Leader. "I Be Right Back"

So of course Vyprania and her friends immediatelies runs and hides in an alcove. Of course, them silly buggers forgots what Jessika still could see thems all on her mini-map as soon as she got back. Hidefail.

As a fellow guild and raid leader what also gots ta put up with all sorts of tomfooleries, I feels fer Jess. I really does.

On the other hands, it do gives me an excuse what ta post a shot of Keredria's nekkid backside...

Monday, July 12, 2010

Is A Wardrobe Malfunction

Ya know, is something wrong with Blizz's armor designers when the two fiercest-lookin' buggers in the whole raid is a coupla cloth-wearin' gnomes. They needs fer ta get that fixified....
(Is thanks ta Nkm and Buns, what both actuallies be cuddlies as all get-out, fer they's fiercifyings.)

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Clown Season Comes Early This Year

This tasty piece of goatflesh be Jinnik. Say hello, you buggers.

Yeah, she's dressed pretty funny. Jinnik be a bit of an experiment, see if a healer can make it with Team Ratshag. And part of the try-outs be, she gotta dress funny. Is just how we does things here.

Friday, July 9, 2010

I Fuhggin' Told Ya Me Real Name Was "Ratshag"

A few days sfter opening a can o'shitstorm, Blizz done decided what they's Really Dumb Idea(TM) was a really dumb idea. Is big hairy Congo Rats to ever bugger what did they's part ta smack some sense into they's heads.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Me Real Name Is "Ratshag"

Got no problems with anybody and his brother knowing this. I's just a simple orc, and I ain't got nuthins ta hide.

Me RL Avatar's name? That's a kodo of a totally different fuhggin' color. Blizz wants ta reveal that ta the whole wide world, they can take they's glubbernuggin' forums and stick'em up they's collective arse.

Who the hell would be needin' ta know his name what don't already know it, anywho?

Is A Follow-on Ta The Last Post

Blogger seems ta be havings issues with comments today - I's gotten e-mails notifying me what some of you buggers responded to me post on quest tracking, but nuthin' be showin' up. Since Xerian and an anony-mouse both said basicallies the same thing and it sounded useful, I figger I'll pass it on here.

They suggests the Everyquest add-on, rather than going through WoWHead. Is more up-to-date and less works, they say. So, you may want fer ta try it instead. Is thankees fer the infos.

Sunday, July 4, 2010