Monday, September 27, 2010

Friends Don't Let Friends Guild Recruit Drunk

Looks like Palintera ain't the only one what be celebratings Brewfest....


It's Brewfesht again, 'licious! It's my favorite bestest time of the year ....hic!

Yes, I've noticed that Pali.

And looky what I got! It's a cute widdle iddy-biddy pink elekk, just for ush.

Sweetie, no you didn't.

And we can name him, uh, Pinky! And we can- wait, wha? huh?

I love you Pali, but this happens every year. You have a few too many beers, and you start seeing things that just aren't there. Do you remember the time you thought you'd found a crazy little rabbit-deer?

No, that wash my wolper... wolper... wolperthingy....hic!

And then there was the time you thought Ironforge was fully of vicious jungle gnomes.

They were out to get me ....hic! They were!

Mmm hmmm. I think it's time for me to take you and "Pinky" home and put you to bed.

Noooo... there'sh more beer....

Definitely time to go home. Next you'll be telling me your nightsaber is actually a kodo.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Tying Up Loose Ends

Is time fer taking care of unfinished business. Last night, me and Zinzi what Gives Good Resurrection (and Mr Chilly fer dps) went back ta Hellfire Peninsula.When we got there, we done kicked names and took ass. Where one helluva fuhggin' good rampage, just like old times.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Vyprania's Story: Endgame

dark .... very dark .... is it night time? .... where are the stars? ....

I'm cold .... so cold .... that's not right .... I never feel cold ....

Pain .... hurts .... not good .... like being on fire .... but cold .... can fire be cold? .... don't want to move ... need to .... need ....

I'm supposed to be doing something .... what is it? .... is it important? .... Arthas .... must .... kill .... Arthas .... soon .... get up soon .... just need to rest a minute first ....

Where are the voices? .... They .... they tell me what to do .... whom to kill .... how to serve justice .... I can hear them, but .... quiet .... mumbling .... far away .... muffled .... can't understand what they want me to do .... maybe I'll rest a minute .... and then they will come back .... yes .... rest ....

I hear footsteps .... coming towards me .... quick, light, soft steps .... like a child ....

"Jessika! Keredria!" It's Buns. Cute little, wisecracking, soul-devouring Buns. Hi Buns. "Get over here! Now! I think she's still alive!"

I hear more footsteps now, running. All around me .... and voices ....

"How did she-?"
"Stay back - give her air!"
"Her eyes! Sweet Elune, what happened to-?"
"Vyp! Vyp, can you hear-?"
"Will she-?"
"By the Light, that's bad, very bad."

Someone knelt down beside me and took my hand in hers. Even through my armored gauntlets the contact was comforting - I felt less alone, less isolated. Why couldn't I see anything?

"Vyprania, it's Jessika. Can you you hear me? Hang in there, kid. Nicolause and K are here, and they're gonna fix you up good as new."

Everyone was here, standing around me .... did that mean ....? "jess..." I whispered. I did not recognize my voice - it was weak and dry and raspy and dead, so very dead. The voice of an ancient mummy. And it hurt so much to talk. But, I had to know. ".... did .... we ...."

"We did, Vyp. Arthas is dead. It was damn close, and I thought it was over when I tripped and fell. But you saved my ass, charging in like you did and getting his attention off of me. You bought us time. That made all the difference, those few seconds. Bravest thing I ever saw."

".... fool .... didn't .... care .... you .... only .... wanted .... kill .... "

She gripped my hand tighter. "Still counts, kid. Still counts. Now keep quiet, and let our healers do their job."

I could hear Keredria's leaves and branches rustling furiously, as if blown by a strong wind. I could hear Nicolause chanting, beseeching his formless god. But I felt nothing. No warm glow, no renewed vigor, no easing of the pain. It wasn't working, I could tell.

"I am afraid there is nothing you can do for her", a new voice spoke up. "She has been deep in the Shadow for a long time, for years, and the Defile has thoroughly penetrated every cell of her body. The Light cannot reach her, brother, nor can Elune, sister druid. Even if A'dal himself were to come here, I fear it would beyond him to save her."

Tirion? Tirion had always believed in us death knights, ever since the day he saved us at Light's Hope. He had spoken for us to his own paladins, to the Alliance, to the Horde. He had treated the Ebon Blade as equals, when no one else would. And now he was abandoning me.

The Light does not abandon its champions.

A'dal had said this, when he took up the soul of Crusader Brindenbrad, out on the glaciers of Icecrown. The Naaru could not save his dying body, but it could end his suffering, and grant him eternal bliss. But Death Knight Vyprania is not Crusader Brindenbrad, is she? I brought the Scourge to the last living city of Lordaeron, with fire and terror and rape and slaughter. I embraced evil, and revelled in it. I murdered my own friends! No, Tirion was right. I was too far gone. It was time to end it.

Only one task remained. ".... jessika ...." My whisper was even fainter than before.

"I'm here, Vyp. What is it?"

".... tell .... Tryande .... tell .... Sentinels .... mission .... com .... plete .... ed ....."

She was silent for a moment. Debating how to respond, maybe. "All right, Sentinel Vyprania," she said at last. "I will tell them."

I could hear them talking for a while longer, but I could not understand anymore. It was becoming too soft, too far away. Eventually, the voices of my companions faded away completely. The voices in my head faded away too, and then I was alone in the darkness.

Except for the boy.

Matthias Lehner was different somehow. The calm dispassionate child who had led me across Icecrown, revealing vague hints and maddening clues about Arthas' past was now nervous, wide-eyed, weak. Vulnerable.

"I know who you are now, don't I?" I asked him.

"Yes, you do, Vyprania," he replied, looking up at me.

I thought for a moment, looking into his face. Then I sat down, my eyes now at the same level as his.

"It's all right," I said at last. "I think I understand."

I wondered why I could see again. I wondered why I wasn't dying anymore, even though I was still in pain. I wondered where I was.

After a while, he spoke. "Vyprania. I want to go home. But I don't know the way."

"So would I, Matthias. So would I."

Could I go home? Would Elune allow me to return? I had sinned against her, against the world, most horribly. If there was a way home - for either of us - it would be long and hard. But I remembered the story Priestess Celyse had told me when I was a little girl. The story of the prodigal daughter, who had destroyed all her family had done for her, but when she came home again, poor and broken, they had accepted her and loved her, and Elune blessed them for it. Maybe Elune would accept me and love me too, if only I could find my way home.

I peered into the darkness. Shadows flitted across shadows. Silent whispers taunted me. Blind eyes watched my movements. But there, over there, something, maybe, ....

"Matthias, I think I see a path, over this way. Maybe it will take us home."

"It looks scary over there." The shadows flitted faster, looming, reaching.

"Yes, it does. I think it looks very scary. But maybe, if we stick together, we can get through it."

I stood up, and reached out with my hand. He took it, and together we started down the path.

 Vyprania's Story :

Friday, September 10, 2010

Is Where There Be Good News Everybody

The Lich King is dead.

And Dalaran? Great googly moogly, things be outta glubbernuggin' control here. We got sailors kissin' nurses. We got Applebough tossin' out fresh fruits ta everybody. We got Frozo the Renowned and Tiffany Cartier riding through the trade district on somebodies mammoth, both drunker'n skunks. We got the Sunreaver Agent and the Silver Covenant Agent high-fivin' and secret-handshakin' and chest-bumpin'. Even Sorrow done cracked a smile.

Ain't heard yet from Vyprania how it all went down, but soon as I gets her report I'll be passin' it on ta you buggers. Til then, I's gonna go pay a visit ta Abra Cadabra - that tasty piece o' humanflesh been expressin' an interest in seein' me wand, and I figger tonight's a good night. So everybody done go has a beer or five on me - is a night fer celebrationizings!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Is Me Thoughts On Statues And Bigotry

Statues is funny things, I always thought. Ya takes a perfectly good piece of rock and spends yer day choppin' off the parts what don't look like a person. Is a fluggernubbin' lot of work, ya ask me. Or ask me sister Azhgula, what done got crippled doin' slave labors fer the humans, cuttin' away the pieces of a big rock what didn't looks like Anduin Lothar.

Now, orcs, we don't make statues. Mebbe a plaque nows and then, but we's rather spend our days hittin' buggers with our axes or meetin' exotic wimmenz. Trolls, they mebbe carve up a loa shrine or whatevers, but they's ain't spendin' they's time cuttin rock fer no purpose. Tauren, Fersakens, Gnomes, and Spacegoats, ain't none of them inta rock what looks like a bugger. Ya know who is, though? Humans, Elves, and Dwarves. These buggers, they's puttin statues everywhere, no matters how crazy it be. I means, look at these here examples:

Statue of dude wondering where he left his authenticator. And his pants.

Statue of poor woman what they cut her arms off fer ta make a statue of a woman with no arms of.

Statue of dude what they thought was dead, but ain't, but meanwhiles they's too busy cuttin' fer ta go recover cannonballs.

Now, let's talk about the Tournament of Beatin Buggers With Giant Toothpicks. A lot of us spent Patch 3.1 cuttin' down Crystalsong Forest and blowin' up Ulduar fer ta get materials ta build it. And when it were finished in 3.2, they done filled the place with statues. I mean, look at all the flubbergumpin' statues:
Notice anything about'em? I did. Is all Humans and Dwarves and Elves. Yup, even though everbodies helped fer ta build it, and everybodies done played with the toothpicks, is only the same races what fills they's cities and towns wit stones cut ta look like buggers. No Tauren, no Gnomes, no nobodies else. Now, does I think them statue makers sat down one day and said "Screw'em! They don't belong here anyways, so no statues of them!" No, I thinks it were more subtle. I thinks they done did what looked right ta them, 'cause it were familiars and comfortables and nobody done complained before. So, is were a subtles kind of bigotry. Still, bigotry be easy ta spot within even yerself if ya takes a few steps back and looks with both eyes at what yer actually about. When yer too lazy fer ta do even that, don't be expectin' fluggerbunkers like me ta be too damn sympathetic.

Now, the newest statue in Azeroth be the new fountain in downtown Dalaran:

Is theres fer ta celebrate the defeat of Arthas, what ain't really happened yet, but time be non-linear if ya hangs with mages or smoke enough ganja. But I digressifies. Point be, we got Tyrion of the Toothpicks in the center, and four dudes around him - two identical twin Orcs, and two identical twin Humans. Now, one could gives credit fer including somebodies other than the big three statue races. But one could also look at it and say, "Dude! What the hey? These guys is all equippin' shields and polearms." Now, which class goes ta battle with a shield and a polearm? That's right - none of them! The stone cutter buggers was too damn lazy fer ta make any effort ta represent that what represent the dudes what actually did/will do fer ol' Arthas. Is a fuhggin' mockery, is what it is. Biggest event in the history of Azeroth, and the gutternuckers makin' statues is too damn lazy fer ta take a step back, look it over, and say "dang, that don't look nuthin' like the buggers we's supposed ta be representing. How'd we be so careless? Is best we start over, do a proper job."

I's glad orcs don't make statues, if this be what it done does ta yer brains.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Rambling Through Azhara

So, I's in old Azeroth the other day, and I bumped inta me old friend, The Fallen Hero of the Horde. Poor bugger's stuck as a ghost on the border of the Swamp of Sorrows and the Blasted Lands, which were as far as he made it when his mission ta reinforce Stonard went down the crapper. Since then, he's been stuck there warning young adventurers not ta head into injun country, and handin' out hip flasks ta fiftieth season warriors.

Anywho, he has a sad, 'cause his lootenants is still stuck workin' fer a demon in the Blasteds. So he asks me fer ta go ta Azhara ta get some blind night elf ta helps. Why go across the world? 'Cause it's vanilla! Try ta keep up here, peeps.

So off I goes ta Azhara. Strange fuhggin' place, I tells ya. Here's some samples of what all I saw there.

Now, them high elves was a buncha crazy-arsed, no-clue-what-they-was-doin', demon-summoning flupperthumpers, but they did know they's architecture. Drop me house in the ocean and leave it there fer ten thousand year, I's bettin it won't still be standing.

Big fuhggin' dead blue dragon, walkin' around. Wouldn't stop fer more than a few seconds ta talk at me. Said he done had stuff ta do. Sorries, dude, wouldn't want fer ta delay ya from the very important task of still being dead or nuthin'.

Somewhere alongs the line, I gets a job fer ta pick up cliff giant poop. Lucky me. Now, most of the times this poop looked like, well, a pile of blue rocks. But sometimes it were lookin' like a statue of a dude. Great googly moogly, that musta hurt comin' out. And then I notices what one of these statues done be holding a letter. Heh. Sucks ta be him!

When I's done, the elf dude tells me fer ta deliver the giant poop ta another old friend, Galvan what Inducted me inta the Mithril Order way back when I were a little blacksmithling. "Dude!" he sez. "You brought me a big bag of giant shite! You the man!" Anytime, ya crazy hermit bugger. He even gave me credit towards me Loremaster of Kalimdor achievement, even though he's in the Eastern Kingdoms. Geographies never were Galvan strong suit - is prolly why he's alone in the jungle.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Great Googly Moogly, That Were Fun

Saturday morning, I rounded up Cameron and Unsuptail, and I sez "let's go see if'n we can destroy the Flame Leviathan." So, the kids, they rumbled up in a pair of Siege Engines and parked'em, so's they could fire the big cannons without the big fellah aggroing on them. Me, I took a chopper and just punched it. Blumpernugger couldn't catch me, and the cannon fire put his metal arse down before he could take me out with his rockets.

No tanking bracers or blacksmithin' recipes this time, but we'll be back soon fer another go. Is too dang fun not to...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

The Hell?

...was this here yeti doin' with a chemistry set and a surgical theater? (Okay, is just a slab with a dead body and some candles on it, but them surgeries in Stormwind and Dalaan and whatnot ain't much fancier).
Is kinda creepies, I tell ya...

Friday, September 3, 2010

Drunken Friday Night Singings, Featurings Maurice

Is you ready, you buggersh?
I said, "Ish you ready??!?"

*Cue music*

Oh! When they walk past him,
The women all faint ...hic!

Death! Knight! Of! Love!

Absorbent and yellow
And porous he ain't ...hic!

Death! Knight! Of! Love!

They just cannot help it
The ladies all swoon ...hic!

Death! Knight! Of! Love!

And now we have come to
The end of this tune ...hic!

Death! Knight! Of! Love!
Death! Knight! Of! Love!
Death! Knight! Of! Love!
Death Knight! Of Loooove!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

A Second Lesson On Being A Soldier Of The Light

I see you have reached your thirty-seventh season, Jinnik. Are you finding that your fellow adventurers are less vexing than when you were younger?

Yes, Kinnavieve, they are. However, there was an incident yesterday which I am unsure how I should have handled.

Then by all means tell me about it. Perhaps I can help, either as your spiritual mentor or simply as your friend.

I was dispatched to aid a group of adventurers in the Scarlet Monastery, who had apparently lost their healer. But when I arrived, I could not tell which of them was the group defender. There were two who appeared to both be attempting to play that role, almost as if in competition with each other. Yet neither of them had a shield to aid in the defense, so I was confused and distraught.

Well, Jinnik, not every defender uses a shield the way Ratshag or I do. There are the druids, who gain strength through their transformation into a bear, and there are those turncoats the death knights, unholy paladins forsaken by the Light, who train to parry many more blows and so do not need a shield.

I understand, but these companions were neither - they were both soldiers of the Light like us, but clearly trained in the retribution school. And so, I was dismayed to see them insist that they did not need shields. And it was oh so difficult to keep them alive as the Crusaders struck them. I succeeded, but I felt truly truly drained by the ordeal.

Two retribution paladins, each claiming the role of defender? That is troublesome. Allow me to meditate a moment, and endeavor to seek a solution from the Light, so you can be prepared should this ever happen again.

*A moment of quiet meditation*

Ah. Jinnik, the Light has spoken to me, and it is truly wise. Should something like this happen again, you are to break both their frickin' jaws.