Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Gone Fishin'

Hello you buggers.

Is been a helluva run these past few years, hasn't it? I's gone ta many places, I's hit a lotta muggerflunpers with me axe, and I's met a whole lotta exotic wimmens. Not bad fer a simple orc from Durotar. But I think the time has come fer me ta hang it up. I may have a thing ta say from time ta time, but in general me blogging days is done. So on behalf of Kinnavieve, Danger Mouse, Palintera, Galertruby, Vyprania, and everybody else, I says thanks fer readin', thanks fer the comments, and thanks fer the good times.

Take care youselves, and keep findin' yer fun, whatevers that may be.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Is Friday Night Drunken Singings, With Guests

I was just a shkinny lad
Never knew no good from bad,
But I knew love before I left my nurshery (I tells ya!)
Left alone with big fat Fanny,
She was such a glubbernumpin' naughty nanny!
Hey big woman you made a bad boy out of me!
Hey hey!
Hey! ...hic!
Hey hey!

Lady Vashj
The seaweed is always greener
In somebody elshe'sh lake
You dream about going up there
But that is a big mistake ...hic!
Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor
Such wonderful thingsh surround you
What more is you lookin' for?

Under the shea
Under the shea
Darling it's better
Down where it's wetter
Take it from me! ...hic!

Danger Mouse
All dresssed up with nowhere to go
Walkin' with a dead man over my sshoulder
Waiting for an invitation to arrive ...hic!
Goin' to a party where no one'sh sshtill alive

I was struck by lighting
Walkin' down the sshtreet
I was hit by something last night in my ssleep ...hic!
It's a dead man'sh party
Who could assshk for more
Everybody'sh comin', leave your body at the door
Leave your body and sshoul at the door . . .

I'm shorry, I don't have time for shinging - I gotta go shave Lady Jessh'sh paladin ...hic! *giggle*

When I'm ridin' round the world
And I'm doin' thish and I'm deshtroying that
And I'm tryin' to make some Nelf ...hic!
Who tellsh me baby better come back later next week
'Cause you see I'm on losing shtreak
I can't get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that's what I say

I can't get me no, I can't get me no
I can't get no shatisfaction
No satisfaction, no satisfaction, no shatisfaction!

Jenny don't loshe my number
I need to make you mine
Jenny you got my number ...hic!

I wrote it, I wrote it, I wrote my number on the wall ...hic!
I wrote it, I wrote it, for a good time, for a good time call!

You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain
Too much love drives an elemental lord inshane
You broke my will, oh what a thrill ...hic!
Goodneshsh gracious great ballsh of fire!

Too shoon, you have interrupted my singing too soon Executosh, what ish the meaning of this....?

Aglha glharhal
Ghagaha gha algalalha garh
Aglha glharhal
Glaragga gahalgh aggahrl ghagl!

Gaghaha aglah agghr laghalagh
Grahagl, gaghaha glhahg agrgha laghahrag.
Glhaggla agg larhg galhagga ghaha alahg,
Glah! gahaghga gahlgal allahg glha.

Agghl! Agghl! Agghl agghl agghl!
*drum solo*

I lay my head on the railroad track
And wait for the double-E ...hic!
The Flame Leviathan don't run no more
Poor, poor pitiful me ...hic!

Poor, poor pitiful me
Poor, poor pitiful me
These young raiders won't let me be
Lord have merchy on me
Woe ish me...

No matter where you go
I will find you
In the place with no frontiersh
No matter where you go
I will find you
If it takes a thoushand yearsh.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Is Where Phoenicia Nearly Gets Turned Into A Newt

Ach, Tabetha, I'm rilly soory aboot yon wee beastie. Ah dinna know the rascal would follow me into yuir lovely home. Ah .... that strappin' lad of yuirs wouldnae happen ta be a skinner, would he?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Some Things, They Never Change

About a minute after I took this picture, I fell in the lava. Again.

What can I say? I's just a simple orc...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

A Big Wall Of Purple

Is gotta say big hairy congo rats ta Kinnavieve, what done now has an epic item in every slot of her tanking gear. Is first time anyone in Team Ratshag done pulled this off. Back when I were raiding with Aetherial Circle in me dwarfish disguise I done came close, but I still had me a green trinket from Zangarmarsh days. Is were 'cause there were bugger-all for shadow priest trinks in SSC and TK and Hyjal, the places we was doing. I were hoping I'd get me a chance fer ta see Illidan and get him ta hands over Gul'dan's skull, him having been me second cousin twice removed on me mother's side and all, but we never progressed that far and some other glubbernudder in another guild done got it. Prolly the Mana Battery Bitch, who been missing in action ever since. But I digressifies.

Anywho, Kinna's packin' a whoppin' seventeen epics. Gotta give big thanks ta Flame, the Gun-Lovin' Dwarf Chick-Lovin' Dead Spacegoat Chick fer helpin' her out with the bracers fer ta finish the job. Though Kinna says Flame's a noob fer not takin' her money after. Hear that Flame? She's callin' you a noob! You gonna take that? I's tellin' Kinna she needs fer ta get her Explorer tabard outta the bank so as to have an epic tabard ta go with. Then we gotta finds a tailor what can stitch up an epic shirt. No idea what that'd look like, but she should have one. She's representing the team, after all.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Just Fer Curiosities...

...I asked everybodies on the team what they's most recent achievement were, accordings ta the armory. Here's what we got:

Me (80): Brew of the Month
Kinnavieve (80): Auchenai Crypts
Vyprania (80): Superior
Ratdorf (73): I've Toured the Fjord
Kalishna (67): Working Day and Night
Gogmoth (61): Fast and Furious
Maurice (60): Master in First Aid
Ellspeth (50): Disturbing the Peace
Phoenicia (46): Sunken Temple
Orctacles (45): Artisan Cook
Alayda (38): Expert in First Aid
Danger Mouse (33): Expert in First Aid
Palintera (28): Going Down?
Noggle (27): Stormwind Stockade
Galertruby (12): The Captain's Booty

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Is Where Ellspeth Gets Achievements

Hi everyone! Ellspeth here, and wow! Do I have a lot to tell you!

About a week ago I finally said goodbye to Stranglethorn Vale, with its pirates and nagas and zombies and zombie naga pirates. To help me out as I work my way through Azeroth, Ratters got me these really kicky shoulders and robe. "Heirlooms", he called them, which I guess means he found them in a trunk in his grandmother's attic or something. What matters is, they have skulls on them. Demon skulls! How awesome is that??? My grandmother certainly never wore clothes with skulls on them.

This weekend, I tried something different. I'd already reached my forty-ninth season, smacking around pirates (yes, more pirates) and ogres and icky bug things, and I thought I'd try out this new battleground system. So I started questing in Felwood, but I kept myself in the queue for the Arathi Basin battleground, and took the new in-the-field automatic portal whenever it popped. And then the achievements and XP just started rolling in!

I used a system I learned from our friend Hydra: run, skip and jump around, put dots on anyone who looks at me funny, and sing to myself "I'm cute, I'm cute, I'm cute, you're DEAD, I'm cute..." It seemed to work pretty well, I think!

Okay, just to be clear. I did not loooove that dwarf after he was dead, I just hugged him. And that was already pretty icky, because he was limp and all dissolved on the inside and, well, a dwarf.

Hurray! I made it to my fiftieth season! I hate it when I get oppressed by the Man, but now the trainers is Thrallmar aren't so snooty and will, you know, talk to me. This was only the second quest I had to turn in that whole season!

And now I am trained. I had enough materials stockpiled in the bank to train up to about 325, but I really want to get to 350 so I can disenchant the greens Ratters is getting out in Northrend and be a part of the team again. To do that, though, I'll need to buy stuff at the Auction House. Oh Raaaattterrrrrssss? Can I have some moooonnnnnney?

Did you see the skulls on my shoulders? Aren't they adorable? Tootles!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Vyprania's Story: Northrend, Part I

After several months in Outland, I felt I had sharpened my skills as much as I could. There was still work to do there – the scattered followers of Illidan, Kael'thas, and Vashj continued to maraud the contryside, along with ogre tribes and other assorted miscreants. However, this would continue for years, until the populations of that world recovered enough from the decades of war to police their own lands. This was not my problem. I had other fights to fight.

I caught a boat to Northrend in Stormwind harbor. The main armies had left weeks earlier, the vanguard even earlier, but the recruiter at the dock assured me there would be work for soldiers-for-hire like myself still. From his eagerness to get me to sign, I assumed either casualties had been much higher than expected, or he badly needed the agent's fee he would collect. Either way, I didn't care. I was going to where Arthas was, the creature who had shaped me into the monster I was, and I would finally get to face him again.

As my boat wound its way between the shear walls of the Howling Fjord, I could see that things had gone badly. I was not surprised to see boats which had been lost early in the invasion, their hulls ground to splinters by repeated rising and falling tides. But some of the wrecks were recent, massive harpoons embedded in their hulls and fresh corpses on their decks. One ship was still burning, having been attacked only hours earlier. As we pulled into the dock, harpoons began to fall around us, fired from forts high above us. The crew was very anxious for us to disembark quickly so they could turn around and get out of there, and most of the soldiers and quartermasters on-board were more than happy to comply. But I would not be rushed. Northrend was my destiny, and I would not enter it like a frightened rabbit.

Over the next few days I found that the strength of the Alliances had pushed on towards the center of Northrend, to rendezvous with the troops landing in Borea and strike at the heart of Arthas' empire. I was eager to join them, but clearly something needed to be done about these Vrykul who had appeared and made such a mess of Valgarde's harbor. I found that the skills I had learned in Outland had more than prepared me for the task at hand. The local commanders quickly learned that if they assigned me to take out a harpoon station, it got taken out. Quickly, and with many flames and barbarians dying screaming, and with much less soldiers captured and tortured. I will admit that the time I returned home surfing on a ship-killing harpoon I had fired myself as the village behind me burned was a little dramatic, but I could hear the voices in my head screaming with excitement as I flew through the air.

In the wasted land of Dragonblight I caught up to the Alliance army, under the command of Bolvar Fordragon. They were preparing to assault the southern entrance to Icecrown, known as Wrathgate. A Horde army was camped nearby, and the leaders of the two armies had made plans for a joint assault. I was assigned to reinforce a company of heavy infantry from Darkshire. These humans were brave and well armed, and eager for the fight. On the morning of the assault, we were on the right flank, at the potential weak joint between the two forces. We were hit hard when Arthas unleashed an elite wave of undead Vyrkul to try to split the Alliance from the Horde, but despite losing nearly a quarter of our strength we pushed them back. By the afternoon, we thought the battle was won. Arthas' troops had been broken, and the ghouls were fleeing back into the citadel. And then, there he was. Arthas himself strode out onto the battlefield, and at first it appeared to be a desperate gambit to rally his troops. I readied myself, eager to join the final charge to wipe him from the face of Azeroth. But then suddenly the young Horde general was down, his soul ripped from his body by the dark magic of Frostmourne, and the corpses of our own troops were beginning to rise and fight us.

“Did you think we had FORGOTTEN? Did you think we had FORGIVEN?”

These words rang out over the battlefield. Looking out over the heads of the soldiers around me, I saw strange vehicles with catapults mounted on them, up on the cliffs above the Horde camp. Leading them was a bent and twisted man, one of Sylvanas' Forsaken, wearing a robe over some strange, exotic armor. There was such rage in his voice, such burning passion. When he cried out “Behold now the terrible vengeance of the Forsaken!” I could not stop myself. I raised my fist and cheered. Yes! The voices screamed with me, for vengeance! Against Arthas, against the Scourge, against even those putative allies who looked on me with scorn and contempt and distrust. I wanted to join him and his apothecaries, to hurl those cannisters of green death down upon them all, the undead and the living.

But as quickly as they had risen up in my head, the voices faded, and I became aware of the horror around me. As the plague clouds spread through our to armies, people were screaming, gasping, falling. I spun, searching for a way to safety, to get the troops I was supposed to be helping out of this trap. I caught a glimpse of Arthas stumbling back into his citadel and the gates slamming shut behind him. Justice would have to wait for another day. Next to me a soldier, still a boy even by the standards of the short-lived humans, fell to his knees, horrid gurgling sounds coming from him. I dropped my mace and hoisted him up onto my shoulders. My eyes burning, my lungs feeling like the were filling with mud, I struggled to the rear, fighting to keep my feet as I was bumped and shoved by those fleeing around me. The ground was by now covered with the bodies of the dead and dying, and I worried I would trip and never get up. The dense green gas was everywhere now, swirling around my feet, wafting up around me, obscuring my view in every direction. My mind went numb, overwhelmed by the pain in my lungs, my legs, my heart. All I could think was that I needed to get this boy I was carrying to safety.

I don't know if it was hours later or only minutes that a patrol found me, stumbling across the frozen plain, still carrying the boy. By now he was quite dead - stiff and cold. They told me later that I was not far behind him. I spent two months in an infirmary while my body healed, my lungs and other organs having to reknit themselves after being nearly devoured by the plague. I found out that the Forsaken apothecary whose words had stirred something in me was a traitor, not only against the Alliance but the Horde as well. Kinnavieve had been part of the small team Varian Wrynn himself had led into the sewers of Undercity to execute him. He was a monster, who hated everyone who was not like him, and had plotted for years for the right moment to slaughter thousands.

So why did the news of his death make me feel so sad?

Julia and Ratshag

I done earned me my "Chef" title a while ago, but I just this week picked up the hat fer ta go with. Took a while, 'cause they wanted a hundred of them cooking thingies. Great googly moogly. Well, I dones it, I got me hat, and now I's ready fer ta get down and dirty in the kitchen. On the menu tonight be a cajun-style treat: Oracle Jambalaya. Is gonna be delicious.

Oh, and anyone tells ya ya cain't look damn virile in a poofy white hat? Tell'em they's just a jealous gunkerdupper.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Innuendo? What Innuendo?

I mean, all I did was have a couple of drinks and go for a walk around Shattrath. There's nothing wrong with that. And then I ... well .... I'm pretty sure .... I think ... Okay, I have no idea what happened after that.

My mother's going to kill me, I just know it....

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Personal Grooming Is Important To Paladins

Dunno what Lady Jess' pally were planning fer ta wear to Brewfest, but apparently hair removal were required...

Saturday, September 19, 2009


Most days are like all of the others
Go to work, come back home, watch TV!
But brother if I had me druthers
I'd chuck it and head out to sea.
For I dream of the skull and the crossbones,
I dream of the great day to come,
When I dump the mundane for the old Spanish Main
And trade me computer for rum! ARR!
Yo ho, yo ho,
It's "Talk Like A Pirate Day"
When laptops are benches
God gave us for wenches
And a sail ain't a low price ta pay!
When timbers are shivered
And lillies are livered
And every last buckle is swashed,
We'll abandon our cars
For a shipful of ARRRRRs
And pund back the grog 'til we're sloshed! Yo ho....
Don't pick up yer phone and say "Hello,
Our ten-o-clock meeting's delayed",
Ye scrunch up yer face and ye bellow,
"AVAST! Ye've been bleedin' BELAYED!"
Ye can't keep this fun to yerself, I bet,
So sing "Aye!" "ARRR!" "Ayy!" every man!
We ain't got much grasp of the alphabet,
But a damn good retirement plan!
T' me,
Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho,
It's "Talk Like A Pirate" Day!
Whatever's in fashion is in for a thrashin'
And bein' polite is passe!
When it's ev'ry man's duty to grab his proud beauty
And let out a hearty YO HO!
And if this offends you, hold y'r breath as we sends you
Ta Davy Jones' Locker ya go! Yo ho....
We'll tell every banker "Heave to and weigh anchor!"
Buy latte with pieces of eight
We'll fight to be chosen as cap'n or bosun
The loser, o' course, is worst mate!

When we hoist Jolly Roger, the landlubbers dodge 'er,
We fill 'em with loathing and fear,
We'll plunder and pillage each city and village,
Or at least clean out Wal-Mart of beer!

Is big thanks ta Tom Smith fer the lyrics. Is from this most excellent song. Go git a copy, ya scurvy dog!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Kinna Haz Pantz!

Hello gentle readers and Bellbell, who used to not be gentle but apparently is now that she mainly just heals.

As Ratters would say, this happened a while ago, but I didn't talk about it then because I'm talking about it now. After more than six months of trying to get some new tanking pants to replace my faded old Daunting Legplates, I finally found a pair of Legguards of Abandoned Fealty in the champion's cache up at the Argent Tournament.

Over the months a number of people have helped me try to get this upgrade, in Naxx and Violet Hold and now the Tournament - far too many to name them all. I would, however, like to thank Shooter McGovern, who gave me some Frosthide Leg Armor last December, saying I'd have some epic pants to put it on soon enough. I kept it all this time, Shooter! And, of course, I want to thank my good friend Shianti, who has threatened, browbeaten and cajoled people into running instances with me, as well as threatening, browbeating, and cajoling me into going when I was ready to give up!

Haz pantz, Shianti!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Friday Night Drunken Singings

I saw a worgen with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walkin' through the shtreets of Shattrath in the rain
He was lookin' for a place called Lee Ho Fooks
Gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein....hic!

He's the hairy-headed gent who fuhggin ran amok in Kent
Lately he'sh been overheard in Mayfair ...hic!
You better shtay away from him -
He'll rip yer bluggernuggin' lungs out Jim!
I'd like ta meet his tailor.
Worgensh of Gilneas.

My love ish like a tidal wave, shpinning over your head
Drowning you in my promishesh, better left unsaid.
I'm the right kind of shinner to releashe your inner fantashiesh.
The invinchible winner, and you know what I wash born to be.

I'm a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Won't you meshsh around with me?
I'm a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Won't you meshsh around - yesh yesh yesh!

It's time to taste what you most fear
Righteous Fury will not help you here ...hic!
Brace yourshelf, my dear:

It's a holiday in Zul'drak!
It's tough, kid, but it's life.
It's a holiday in Zul'drak!
Don't forget to pack a knife....hic!

You with sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage ...hic!
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inshide of you
Can make you feel so small

But I shee your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show ...hic!
Your true colorsh
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Hurray Beer!

Is big hairy congo rats ta our own little Palintera, and her steadfast dedication, month-after-month. No matter how hard it got, she never quit. We's all very proud of her.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Ratshag Grades the Sunreaver Dailies

Is been a while now, and I's had some time fer to evaluates them new daily quests what ya gets fer being exalted with the Sunreavers. If yer if the Alliance persuasion, ya gets the same ones from the Silver Covenant, which ta me says the Blood Elves and the High Elves just ain't as different from each other as they'd wants ya ta believe. They's both a buncha prissy snobs with creepy magic brooms what think they's shiite smells purdier than everyone elses. But anywho, back to them dailies.

Breakfast of Champions
Important thing fer ta remember here is, iron dwarves don't like drum music. They's more happy with the sweet dulcets of a harp, or mebbe soom classic-sounding cello. Ya know, like that Yo-Ho-Ho Ma bugger. But drums? They's totally not cool. Oh, and ya gotta kill not-really-but-still-kinda-big worms.

Grade: C+

Gormok Wants His Snobolds
Apparentlies, Gormok the Impaler don't have a problem with being trussed up outside the Tournament building, waiting fer ta be rituallisticly slaughtered by 25 glunkerthubbers with axes and firebolts and bacons of light, all for the amusement of Tirion Fordring. No, he's just pissed 'cause he didn't get ta bring his favorite snobold with him. At first, I were all like, I's catching eight snobolds, but what if none of them's the right one? But if ya stands near Gormok for a bit, ya realizes there ain't nuthin' ta worries about. Is basically:

"Oh! My favorite snobold! I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him and name him George and.... uh oh."

Then there be a pause while he tosses a very smooshed snobold away, and reaches inta the cage fer a new one.

"Oh! My favorite snobold! I will hug him and pet him and name him George..."

Just, ya know, watch yer step when yer walkin' by.

Grade: A-

Rescue at Sea
Buncha seaweed dude pirates is attacking a totally innocent, peace-loving Sunreaver flower children, and they needs you fer ta go rescue. Pretty straightforward. I always brings me water-walking elixirs, so's I can walk away when I's done rescuing and get a bight ta eat and hop on me drake without being disturbified.

One thing ya gots ta watch out for - make sure ya rescues the right ship full of totally innocent, peace-loving elf flower children, or the crew will turn on you soon as the seaweed dudes is under control.

Grade: B

Stop the Aggressors
Kill seaweed dudes. I likes it.

Grade: A

The Light's Mercy

Wait. I's supposed to go do last rites on a buncha dead tuskarrs? The fuhg I look like, a glubbernuggin paladin? If they's dead, it sucks ta be them, but why should I care fer ta read outta some book over they's unlootable bodies? Oh, yeah, 'cause I's gettin' paid to.

Grade: D+

What Do You Feed A Yeti, Anyway?
Now I's just a simple orc what cain't be bothered fer ta keep track of the details, but I's pretty sure what when Roy Scheider were trying ta chum hisself up a shark in Jaws, he did it from inside the boat. That ain't how the elf fishermens want ya to do it, though - they wants you in the water, where there's sharks and some really lost seaweed dudes swimmin' around. Pretty sure they's laughings at us splashin' around out there. I wouldn't mind, except sometimes it be a damn fuhggin' pain in the arse fer ta gets back in the boat ta get more chum.

Grade: B

You've Really Done It This Time, Kul
Kul the Reckless. A paladin from the Corki school of adventuring. Every day, he takes a buncha rookies out against the Cult of the Damned, Only ta get hisself captured and locked in a cage while they prepares fer ta turn him inta zombiechow or somesuch. I expects we'll see him again in Icecrown Citadel, locked in a cage while the abominations argue over who gets ta play "Hide the Dwarf" first.

Grade: C-

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Is Where Kinnavieve Cries Out NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hello, Kinnavieve, my sweet cauliflower of righteous passion!

Yes, it is I, Maurice, the Death Knight of Looove! I have transversed the twisting nether to join you in your new serververse. I shall again wait at the Stormwind mailbox, disenchanting items you find in your campaigns and allowing the beauteous ladies the opportunity to swoon in my presence. But in the evenings, ooh-la-la! I shall be all yours! Is it not so sweet!

What did you say, my darling eggplant? I am afraid I could not hear clearly - it sounded something like "Ima brekkiz frickin jaw."

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Mankrik's Wife

For thems of you buggers what didn't get ta catch Ozzy's performance at BlizzCon last night, I thought I'd does ya a favortizing and provide a transcrypt.... tranzilkip.... tazcrippy.... bugger it. Provide you the words he sang fer the special WoW-edition of Iron Man. Enjoys.

Where is Mankrik's Wife?
Is she still fighting for her life?
Can she walk at all
Or is she nailed to a wall?
Is she live or dead?
Has she thoughts within her head?
We'll cry on slash two
"What am I s'pposed to do?"

She was left behind
Somewhere near that archeologic find
When big orc Mankrik
Ran away like a dick

No one can find her
She just stares at the world
Maybe she still lives
Prisoner of the Quillboar

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Need More Rides

What with the universe shifting in Patch 3.2, the members of Team Ratshag (and the associated Team Suptail) done got theyselves a buncha new rides. Here be the pics, because we feels like showin' off.

Is Ellspeth, Suptail, me in me Ratdorf shadow priesty form, Phoenicia the axe-loving dwarf chick, Palintera the drood, Noggle the little rogue, Chleya the baby lock, Orctacles the warrior, Kalishna the Death Nugget, and finally me little brother Gogmoth.

Danger Mouse and Alayda the shammy done be working on getting they's epics, but ain't quite there yet.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Some Thoughts On Exiles

We orcs, we knows a thing er two abouts losin' yer home. Back when me dad were young, we had it made. Pictures a whole world lookin' like Nagrand, with big sprawling plantations worked by peons and broken. We'd drink mint julips on the veranda, and has Lost One Pie fer supper. At nights there'd be time fer a couple rounds of poker or hit-the-draenei-with-a-stick, or maybe go up North fer some ogre tipping. Were a good life, but we got greedy and went and invaded Azeroth, and that done didn't turn out so good.

But I were thinking 'bout some of them other peoples what ain't got they's home no more, and what ya can learn about how they handles it from what they's NPCs say to ya. And this be what I thinks.

"Strength and honor!" "Be safe"
Translation: We's lost a lot. Fight ta keep what's left.

Trolls: Trolls smoke a lot of ganja. Is damn good stuff, but it leaves them kinda.... overly laid back.
"Relaaaax" "How you doin', mon?"
Translation: I's high as a kite. No wonder I lost me homeland ta murlocs.

Gnomes: Done blew up they's only city and filled it with toxic gas and mutants.
"My, you're a tall one!" "You have a great day!"
Translation: We's wacky enough ta do it all over again.

Night Elves: Sacrificed they's home tree (and Peter Pan live forever gig) so's to give Archi one heckuva piece of wood. Good fer them. Then they went and grew a new one just like the first.
"Elune-Adore" "Tor ilisar'thera'nal!"
Translation: No fuhggin' clue.

Blood Elves: They's home got overwhelmed by a buncha brain-eating zombies and frankenstein buggers and nerboobies. Sucks to be them.
"Remember the Sunwell!" "We will have our revenge!"
Translation: We's pissed off, and we want everyone ta know it.

The Forsaken: Got turned inta a buncha brain-eating zombies and ate a buncha high-elf brains, which I guess made thems smart again. Or whatever.
"I haven't got all day" "Embrace the Shadow"
Translation: We live in a slime-filled sewer, and we're proud of it!

Draenei: Hijacked a spaceship, then crashed it inta Azeroth. Buggers woulda been better off workin' on the plantations.
"The Naaru have not forgotten us" "Good health, long life"
Translation: We's a buncha pathetic wankers, totally unable to take care of ourselves. We's fit only ta live in a wrecked ship, or workin' on orc plantations. Or mebbe barbeque.

Death Knights: not technically an exiled race, but they is cut off from they's former lives, and is pretty separate from they's original races. So I's going with it.
"We press on" "Suffer well"
Translation: Okay, this sucks, but it ain't gonna stop us from killin' Arthas. Gotta respects that.

So there it be. Me take on the various groups of exiles and the like. Now if you'll excusifies me, I gots ta go talk ta me realtor about some farmland in Nagrand...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Now This I Would Support

I's done told you buggers me thoughts on the Argent Crusade. Well Tamarind over at Righteous Orbs, has a good idea: he suggests what the AC oughtta be finding some better ideas fer to rally the troops at boost morale now that the Horde and Alliance offensives is all fizzled and we's stuck in Northrend than some goofies jousting competitions. Like, maybe, the Argent Brothel? Now that be an idea what gets me whole-hearted support!

Oh, and bringing that bugger Boris the Magnataur Capturer in fer ta fights Arthas sounds pretty smart too.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


"The command post is well guarded. Tanks, armed hovercraft, missile cannon, infantrymen in powered armor... all with one mission: to guard that vital spot. And your job is to go in and destroy it. Alone.

"But when those defenders see you, they'll wish they were somewhere else. Because you're not a man. You're a thinking machine.... the deadliest device on any battlefield.

"You're the OGRE."

Were 30 years ago this month what me RL avatar picked up a copy of this game fer $2.95 at War & Pieces, and the world were never the same. Tabletops, RPGs, computer games, and finallies MMORPGs. Is been a heckuva ride, and it ain't slowin' down yet. There's been Ahnold the Terminatafier, raids by the Secret Service flubbernuggers, the y2k bug, and Shadow Labs along the way. Is big hairy thanks ta Steve Jackson, Winchell Chung, and every other bugger what made it start.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

For John

Because each one of us glubbernuggers is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, and a princess, and a criminal.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Is A Big Pile Of Horse Poop

The call has been sounded.
The Argent Crusade beckons.
The Heroes of Azeroth have been summoned.

Pull the other one - it's got bells on it.

Let's look at the history of them buggers calling theyselves the Argent Crusade, shall we? Fer years, them Argent Dawn folks was holding they's ground out in the Plaguelands, except we now know what the Light's Hope Chapel is on holy ground and not even Arthas can get in there. Sure made the job easier, I guess, when yer enemies can't reach you. Meanwhile, old Tirion Fordring were doing the Yoda thing, hiding out in the woods. But now he's got hisself Ashbringer, all shiny from it's refurbishment, and he's like that guy in the raid what figures he nows how ta play yer class better than you does.

So now, what happens when these experts at hiding safe decides ta go on the offensives? Tirion's handpicked elite teams go and buggers it up, is what happens. Remember the Argent Crusade in Zul'drak? "Oh, I forgots ta issue the parachutes to the troops." "The troops are too afeared ta fight. Go buck'em up for me." "Oh dear, I think we should run away. Please go tell the troops so's I don't gotta go out there and soil meself."

Then there were Icecrown. Argent Crusade blows a hole in the mountain, goes charging in fer the sneak attack, and gets they's arses whupped. Dang near got they's home base overrun by the Nerboobies, if not fer me and some other adventurer types steppin' in and saving they's bacon.

Which brings me ta the subject of us heroes-fer-hire. We's the ones what been taking the fight ta the Scourge all these years. From Deatholme and Razorfen Downs ta Necro School and dead Strat to Azjol-Nerboobies and Naxx, we's done kicked they's arse and took they's names. We's even gotten ta be experts at fightin' undeads what ain't Scourgies, at Shadowfang Keep, and Stranglethorn Vale and Kara. Not even gonna mention living buggers we's done beat like Onyxia and Magtheridon and Illidan. Everybody knows we's the buggers what is gonna go make Arthas cry for his mommy - we's just gotta finish clearin' out the trash first.

But now the Argent Crusade done built theyselves an arena, and is wantin' everybody ta come play in it. So they can say they's teachin' us how ta fight, and they's pickin' out the best of the best. Pfft. Like they could do either. We ain't there 'cause we needs they's leadership - we's there fer the same reasons we go anywhere: gold and loot. Is what we do. They wants ta say they's leadin', that's they's business, long as they keep payin' us. But when the time comes ta get down and dirty with the bad guys, them Argent Crusader better shut up and git outta the way, and let us do what we do best.

And that word, "Argent"? I still say it sounds like a kinda fruit.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Monday, August 3, 2009

Is Like 30-Year-Old Porn, Only Different

This done came out last week, but I didn't talk about it then, 'cause I'm talking about it now. BBB, Lady Jess, The No-Longer-Gun-Loving Vertically-Challenged Chick and I went and and started a podcast. Episode 1, wherein we talks about alts and pets but mostly sammiches, be availables here, or ya can iTunify it. Also, we gots a web site fer it, just like thems what know what they's doing!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Okay, Which Is The Pointy End?

Me and me guildies done run our first heroic the other night, Utgarde Keep. And when we had done fer Ingvar the Plunderable, we found on his broken and bleeding corpse this here crossbow. Now it were many years ago what I done learned how ta operate one of them dohickies from old Archibald in the Undercity, and I ain't never touched one since. Howevers, since I had me a skill of one and the combined rest of the party (a drood, a pally, a mage, and a death nugget) had a combined skill of zippo diddly, I got the loot.

Now, it ain't that important what I can hit the broadside of a barn when shooting, since I likes fer ta get all up close and personal when I's killing a glubbernumper, is still kinda embarrassins fer ta be tryin' ta pull a boss and not even get his attention 'cause me arrows is landing in the next zone. So I went and bought me a stack of he cheapest arrows I could find and went ta pay a visit on that bugger Dr Boom.

Instructions say fer ta mount it on a drake, but I thinks I's can handle it just fine on me own. Lessee, ya loads it here... or maybe here... or maybe in this slot over here. Okay, now we point it like this and gently squeeze the trigger... Ow! Now, we turn it around and point it this way and gently squeeze the trigger. Whoa lookit that go. Um, sorries there Anchorite Karja. Don't worry, I'll buy ya a new crate. And a new cat ta go in it.

Next arrow. Squeeze the trigger. Dang. Hope that Goblin rocket can still fly with that in the side...

Arrow. Squeeze.

Arrow. Squeeze.

Arrow. Squeeze.

Arrow. Squeeze.

Woot! I hit the fumpernugger!

Five hundred arrows later, I got me some moderately respectables at the skillifying. Great googly moogly. Next time we get a weapon what I barely knows, I's vendoring the dang thing.

Friday, July 31, 2009

A Song For Vyprania

Well, she got Kinnavieve's ore
and ran to the Dalaran forge now.
Seems she forgot about the AH
like she told that pally now.
And with Fallen Crusader
goes smashing just as hard as she can now.
And she'll have fun fun fun
til Kinna takes her 'stroyer away.

Well the mobs can't stand her
'cause she pwns teh face now.
She's just a wrecking machine
as she swings that mace now.
Arthas' minions try to get her
but she knocks'em into outer space now.
And she'll have fun fun fun
til Kinna takes her 'stroyer away.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Is Where Lady Jess Made Kinnavieve Cry

So, Kinnavieve were in Naxx last night, sharing tanking duties with Lady JessTank. They's done did the Heigan dance, and Jess be looking at the loot table fer upcomings Loatheb.

"Why would anyone want those pants? They aren't even as good as the ones I got yesterday!"

To which Kinna sez, "I want them! They're a big upgrade over these crafted blues I've been wearing for seven months because I never see epics drop."

"Really? You sure?"

"Yeah, every stat is higher except DEF, even before you factor in the two sockets."

"But they have shield block stats. Why would you want that?"


"Oh, wait. I thought you were a death knight."

"A, a death knight?"
/lip tremble

"Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know why I was thinking that..."

"It's my stupid stinky helmet, isn't it? I made it invisible, but everyone still knows it's a tainted, evil, saronite, death knight helmet."

Of course, after all that, the big walking plant went and dropped healy gear. Oh well.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Vyprania's Identity Issue

There were times which of us was the Death Knight and which was the minion. I swear to Elune I didn't eat any brains while in this rather effective, if somewhat confusing, disguise. I thought about it, but I didn't.

You know, it's probably best if we don't let Kinnavieve see this post. She doesn't have much of a sense of humor when it somes to dead people, and I am going to need to borrow money from her soon for my epic flight training...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Is Where Kinnavieve's Brother Woulda Been Proud

Hello Gentle Readers (and Bellbell who is not gentle),

All my life, I have wanted to serve the Light as it's soldier. As a little girl, I secretly practiced swinging my father's axes whenever I could sneak them out into the woods. He would punish me whenever he caught me doing it (I think he feared I would cut my foot off) but I kept at it. By the time I was eleven, he realized I was cutting down trees faster than he could, and he relented. Although he acted as if he was doing me a favor...

When my brother Richard joined the army to go fight for Lordaeron, I made him show me everything they taught him in basic training. After he left, I practiced every day, eager to show him how good I had gotten when he returned. But he never did...

On my sixteenth birthday, I took the vows to becoma a Knight of the Silver Hand:
"Do you vow to uphold the honor and codes of the Order of the Silver Hand?"
"By my blood and honor, I do."
"Do you vow to walk in the grace of the Light and spread its wisdom to your fellow man?"
"By my blood and honor, I do."
"Do you vow to vanquish evil wherever it be found, to protect the innocent with your very life, and to serve always what is right, honorable, and good?"
"By my blood and honor, I do."

In the years since then, I have fought the Scourge and its allies. In Desolace, in the Plaguelands, in Dragonblight. I have faced Baron Rivendare, the Barov family, Drakuru, Noth the Plaguebringer and even Kel'thuzad himself. Scholomance, Stratholme, and Naxxramas have all been cleansed of their evil. It has been a long hard road, and many have sacrificed along the way: sweat, blood, some even their lives.

In recognition of my service to the Light, Tirion Fordring himself has proclaimed me the Argent Champion. I accepted this honor in the name of all those who have lost everything in this struggle, including my brother.

I so wish he was here now.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Big Bare Butt

Hello gentle readers.

I don't understand why, but sometimes when I'm raiding, half the group decides to take their clothes off. I still really don't approve. It's just not proper, nor is it optimal for combat.

And this time, we didn't have any have handsome young men to enjoy, just the GM's dainty elf butt... *sigh*

Friday, July 10, 2009

Is Where Kinnavieve Gets A Title

I'm not really from Stormwind, though, you see. I'm actually from Nowhereshire, in Elwynn Forest. Do you know it? It's near the Eastvale Logging Camp - you follow the trail to the northwest, through that copse of trees where they hanged Salty Pete and his gang. Then you cross the creek where the rocks were that Suzie Jones' grandfather laid out to make a crossing, only they got washed away in the big flood ten years ago. Then when you get to the maple tree that all the kids want to climb but they can't because it's haunted you turn south. A few miles more, and you're there!

Just don't blink, or you might miss it...

Thursday, July 9, 2009


"Feral, I saw them! They're everywhere! They're gonna get me!!!!"

"Um, Pali? We're in the middle of Ironforge, and you're not flagged. No one's gonna get you."

"You don't understand! They're here, right now, and they're after me!"

"Who's after you, sweetie?"

"....Jungle Gnomes."

"In Ironforge?"

"Yes, yes! They're all around us. They're just .... hiding ... right now."

"Uh huh."

"Really, they are!"

"Pali, what's that you're holding?"

"Oh, it's some Stranglethorn Brew, this month's brew of the month. It's really good."

"Yeah, I think you've had enough. How about you let me vendor it for you to that nice bread merchant over there?"

"Nooooooo...... I need to drink it all, for my achievement."

"All? You've got like, fourteen bottles there. You only need one. Gimme, or I'll tell your mom."

"... all right. Here."

"Now, before I sell all these, your jungle gnomes. Did they look like they had a vibrate setting?"