MOG ALL THE HELLREAVERS

Just discovered what beer-specced monks (is the tanking spec) is gonna be ables ta equip polearms. Means the glorious Hellreaver, which I feared were gonna be lost in the transmogalypse, may survives after all. Means also what I could has a tankin' team member what looks kinda like this:

Yeah, I'd be down with that.

Friendly Fire

Has ya ever watched a warrior tank doin' his job? Ain't the most excitin' thing ta see. He hits the bugger with his weapon. He hits the bugger with his shield. He shouts. Sometimes he done stomps his foot and either some lightning shoots out across the ground (contraries ta popular opinion, the lightnings ain't comin' out his arse), or some dust cloud shoots across the ground in front of him. Devestates done do a little swishy thing in the air too, but is pretty hard ta see and most folks prolly don't notice. I usuallies don't.

Pally tanks, they throw some fire on the ground and drop hammers of light on the bugger. Bear tanks, they do ... well ... bear stuff. DK tanks, they put fire on the ground and also worms. But overall, is not a whole lotta flash in tanking. I sez that's a good, 'cause what with the tank and the melee dps and the bad guys, is already gettin' confusin' and hards ta see what all be goin' on down in the scrum.

Now, I's noticed a trend what I ain't real happy about. Fer some classes, they's spells done been gettin' fancier and sparklier every dang expansion. Fer no particulars reason, far as I can see. Back in Rash of the Itch King, retributionators got they's Divine Storm. Hunters got Rain of Arrows. Rogues got Rain of Knives. Shaman got Rain of Frogs. DKs got that damn fuhggin' creepy thing what with the arms comin' outta the ground, and don't even get me started on Army of the Dudes. Great googly moogly what did that make a mess of the melee pile. Now, Blizz backed off on some of these, but in Cata they just cranked it up ta new heights. Lessee now...

Healers. Healers got all sortsa circles of happy they can throw on the ground now. I's all in favor of me healers gettin' useful tools, but dies they need fer ta look so much like all the puddles of nasty I ain't supposed ta stand in?

Mages. Sometimes mages throw out some big floaty fireball thingy what hangs around the bad dude and ... I dunno ... lasers him or sumthin'. Looks suspiciously like sumthin' I's supposed ta stay the hell away from.

Shadow Priests. Some mysterious shadowy figure starts tryin' fer ta sneak up on me, what be me response? Hells yeah I tries ta get aggro and tank the flupperbubber. 'Cept I can't, 'cause is just the shadow priest's shadow got loose. Like Peter Pan. Is seriously distractin'.

Elementary Shamans. Big circle of ground shakin' nastiness opens up right in front of me? All the instincts say step the fuhg back! Which of course would waste the whole point, since the glubberjudder would then take a few steps forward, and it all misses. Howevers, that ain't nearly so bad as:

Warlocks. BIG SWIRLY CIRCLE OF PURPLE DOOM! DO NOT TOUCH!!! WHAT'S ITS RADIUS? IS IT LIKE A LOTTA CRAP IN THIS GAME WHAT CAN KILL YA EVEN THOUGH YER SCREEN SWEARS YER OUTSIDE OF IT? HOW FAR BACK I GOTTA GET? Oh yeah, is a 'lock in the group. False alarm. Damn dirty 'locks....

Now, I expects if'n yer a serious player and is tankin' Z's every day or is doin' heroic raidin' like, ya know, all of the Blizz class designers, then you's gotten attuned ta these things and yer brain filters'em out somewheres between yer eyeballs and yer panic button. Me, I's tanked often enough and crazy enough where I gets a jolt of adrenilations but I's able ta stay focused on the task at hand. But I don't like'em, not one bit. Now, imagines yer some casual tank, or some poor bugger tryin' it fer the first time. All this sparkly pixel crap what ya gotta constantlies be figgerin' out "is this good sparkly pixel crap or bad sparkly pixel crap? Hope I don' figger wrong and get us all killed." Sound mebbe a wee bit stressful?

Now, why all these new spellification whizbang effects? Can the folks in the back, wigglin' they's little fingers, even see them all that clearlies? Me, I's pretty sure is mainlies a race between the design teams fer ta see who can done come up with the craziest, most far out, most colorful glowy thing fer they's dude. Just wait'll ya see what they's dreamin' up fer 5.0! Gonna confuse the everlivin' crap outta anyone within fifteen yards of the bad guy.

Is a good thing there ain't a shortage of tanks in this game or nuthin'.

I Likes It This Way Much Betters

Two years ago, I had me a set of tanking gear I were pretty happies with. Def capped, and plenty of stamina and armor fer anythings I were likely fer ta run into. Only problem were, I looked like a washed-up failure from that clown school. Ya know, the one where they carry axes. Today, I has me a new tanking set what I is pretty happy with. All the good stats, but now I looks like an orc warrior, not Bozo's "special" kid brother what wants ta be a axe muderer.


That were then:


This be now:


You buggers see the difference?

A Few Words About Taunting

Taunting is a pretty fundamental part of tanking. It's a way of gettin' the bad buy to stop beatin' up on the poor cloth-wearing finger-wiggling squishie and pay attention to me, dang it! Once he's lookin' at you you can does yer regular threat-generating moves so he stays focused on you. After all, the tank is the most virile and sexy member of the party - the attention should be on you. (If you's a female tank, then maybes virile ain't the right word for you. I's just a simple orc, and I got no clue what the proper word would be. Whatever it is though, you've got it. You know you've got it).

Now taunting ain't something you should need to do in a straight-up fight. It's fer when something goes wrong. Crowd control fails and a mob goes for yer mage. A patrol comes along and starts beatin' on whoever's standing in the back. Priest has to do too much healing and they all go after her and she's screaming "Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!" and not in a good way. That's when you want yer taunt.

If yer a bear druid, then yer taunt is called "Growl" or "Grunt" or "Blueberry-and-honey-flavored fart" or whatevers. If yer a tankadin then I dunno know what it's called, but it's probably got something to do with the big arrow pointing to yer package. What do I look like, a research site? We warriors is basic folk, so we just calls our taunt "Taunt".

Now, when they teach you to taunt in warrior school (waaay back in yer tenth season when you learned to do the defensive stance) all they teach you do to is to poke the bad guy in a harmless but pain-inducing way. Oh yeah, and do that little shuffle with yer feet. And give him the real mean glare. This makes you look at least as threatening as anyone else in yer party, and gives you three seconds to lay on some shield slam and sunder action. And then yer good to go.

This all works fine. Problem is, when you do it this way the only ones what know you've taunted is you and the tauntee. Maybe the clothie what was in the middle of having his ass handed to him notices somethings changed, but he's probably a self-centered mage and ain't gonna realize you wasted a precious cooldown to save his worthless fireball-chucking hide. So I likes to add a verbal component to turn me taunts into Taunts. Let's everyone know yer on the job, plus it just feels good. And for some mobs, you can piss'em off so much they face changes color, which is fun to watch. Lemme give you some examples:

"Nyah nyah!"
"Me grandma crits more often than you!"
"Your mother wears 'of the Whale' armor!"
"You got a tiny winky!"
"'Scuse me, but I need to eat yer face."

You gets the idea. Find some what feels right for you, and write up a simple little macro so you says it as part of yer taunt. Mix it up. Keep 'em guessing. And have some funs with it.