Saturday, October 30, 2010

Need More Evil

Hi! I'm Hydrargyrum! I'm a gnome warlock who writes the blog Almost Evil, and co-hosts the Twisted Nether Blogcast. *giggle*

The most important thing to know about warlocks is that we use demonic minions. They help us do by doing damage, or crowd-control, or even tanking. Here are some of mine:

I am a serious but still casual raider. If it happens that the girl who was up all last night with a cranky baby did twice your dps and also survived the fight while you are sniffing ghoul toes, that is your problem, not mine. *giggle*

I like fishing. Sometimes I catch interesting things. *giggle*

"I'm cute, I'm cute, you're DEAD, I'm cute..." I can sometimes be found in battlegrounds, enough that I have a crapton of HKs. ... with all that said ... Hydra doesn't pee vee pee. *giggle*

Every year, I like to dress up as another blogger and poke fun at them. I think this year I'll do Ratshag. Yeah, I did him once before, but he's so awesome I just have to do him again. Can you blame a girl? *giggle*

Happy Hallow's End everyone! Touch my candy and I'll shadowbolt your face off. Evil, you know. *giggle*


Hard fer ta see, but there's a drood in kitty form standing over young Kalishna's corpse there, outside of Southshore. Sorry dude, but corpse-camping an altoholic? Is in the dictionary under "Complete waste of time." But you have fun there, hangin' with the bears and spiders. We come back and throw our stink bombs later. Meanwhiles, Ellspeth's done got trick er treatin' ta do.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

So THAT'S Where The Naughty Touching Done Went To

Back when I were shadow priesting in SSC and Black Temple, it were all about the Naughty Touching. I'd lay down that Vampiric Touch and the mana users was all "oh, yeah, Ratters, touch me more, baby! Fill my pool all the way up!" Then there were the vampiric embrace touching, healin' teh peeps while meltin' teh face. Was good times.

But then Blizz done said, "no no. We's a buncha prudes what don't like all that touching and embracing. Bring the player, not the class!" So 'stead of the naughty touch we got weak-arse "replenishment", which we hadda share with the lolrets, and the hunters what can't aim or keep pets, and I dunno, rogues or sumthin'. And the embrace? Yeah you could still heals yerself, but you was barely allowed ta touch nobody else - only 3% healing per damage, a fifth what it used ta be. Well, that sucked, but at least we could touch ourselves.

This week though, I's lookin' at the beta notes, and I see what they's gonna drop the self-healings ta 6%, less than half what it been. And I sez ta meself, "self, that's it. no more naughty touching. All the touching ya gonna do, is too glubbernuggin' nerfed fer ta be called naughty no mores." And I's wondering, what did Blizz do with all that naughty touchin' what used ta belong ta the shadow priests? Where did it go?

And then I saw the female worgen dance. And I wondered where the naughty touching had gone no more....

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It Be Da Biggest Upgrade Evah, Mon!

How you doin'? Dis be Alayda,an' I reached mah eightieth season last night. First t'ing I did (after I finished da dungeon - I ain't no rude chile) I went ta see da man. He had a shiny new totem for Alayda, wid stats an' a place ta put a pretty jewel. It is much nicer dan de one I been carryin' about since de Stranglethorn days. De spirits, dey be very pleased, mon. Den, I went to da bank an' got out de two tankards dat Ratters an' Cameron got me durin' da Brewfest. I filled dem wid Alayda's Special Brew of Whoop-Ass, an' went out to da Icecrown to see who got da serious mojo now! AH-hehehehehehe!
Dis be Alayda, checkin' out. Stay away from da voodoo, mon!

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Fuhg Catalog They Find This Outfit In?

Abercrombie and Mammoth?

Now, Garrosh ain't the best dressed bugger in Azeroth because, well, let's face it, he's got kodo droppings between his ears. But, the brother is his own man, and his own man is a bad-ass, and his outfit do reflectifies that.

Now, let's look at how that tasty piece of dragonflesh Alexstrasza be dressed:

Now Alex is her own woman, and her own woman is a bad-ass (with a damn nice ass). But near as I can figger, this outfit reflectifies "I shop from the Victoria's Secret catalogue after Sylvanas is done with it."

So why don't the NPC wimmenz of Azeroth get outfits what reflectifies who they is? They's power and uniqeness? The men, they gets outfits what ain't nobody seen nowhere - why not give the same lovings ta the females? When the only ideas ya can come up with be "kinda skanky" and "hells yeah skanky", it ain't reflectifying well on yer creativity....

Friday, October 22, 2010

Is Where Lady RNG Mocks Me

So, last night I was talkin' ta Rim and his friend Mr Dribbly.

Me: Rim, did you know if you talk to an innkeeper this week, there's a small chance you might get a pet?
Rim: Kumbaya, I did not. Which innkeeper?
Me. Any innkeeper.
:: pause ::
Rim: He gave me a "Sinister Squashling". What is that?
Me: It's the pet.
Rim: Oh, cool.

Five minutes later, we's standing over a head Headless Horseman.
Rimunathah has received [Hallowed Helm].
Rimunathah has achieved [Sinister Calling].
Me: Daaang. Grats, Rim!
Rim: Thanks! What did I do?
Me: You got one of the hardest holiday achievements in the game.
Rim: Kumbaya!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


We was hopin' what the mask might make him easiers fer ta understand. Yeah, no such luck. Although I is pretty sure I did hear a "Fo shizzle" in amongst his jabberings, and possiblies also a "MQSRDPS".

Monday, October 18, 2010

Why Hell Ain't These Things BoA?

I means, big hairy congo rats ta Alayda and all, but she done had one of them walking veggies fer two years now. Me, I done be starting me fourth year of farming the Headless Horsedude, and I ain't got a one. Got two Helms of Evil Laughter, got rings, got pumpkin swords, got brooms, but no pet and no Helm of Uselessness. And now what Blizz done come to they's senses and be handing out 310 mounts fer Long Strange Trip again, I's really wantin' them this year. Ain't got no confidences what Blizz ain't gonna change they's minds a third time...

Friday, October 15, 2010


The word was, Kaldorei only. It wass going to be deep in the foressts of Ashenvale, in a place sacred to the Ssentinels. The funeral would be off-limits to outsiderss. People without long ears and purple ssskin would not be permitted.

Fuck that ssshit.

I am Danger Mouse. I go where I want.

So, Legs, here we are. Quite a pair, aren’t we? The dead chick and the even deader chick. I told you not to be a hero up there in Northrend, didn’t I? Sstick to the shadowss, stab them in the back, pick off the weak, let the Ssstrong and the Ssstupid take the pounding in our place. But you had your vendetta, didn’t you? An oath to keep, vengeance to take, and you weren’t going to back off. Not ever.


I’d been sskulking about outside the gates of Asstranaar for six hours when the procession finally got their assses in gear and headed out. Everyone was in their finest outfitss, with braids and sparkles and leafsss and other doodads. They had a real nice coffin for you, Legss, lots of trees and birds and ssstars carved on it, with silver inlayss. It was open to the sky, which I think you would have liked. Although ssome prude had lain a strip of cloth over your face, where your eyess would have been. They had the coffin on a caisssson being pulled by an honor guard in very shiny armor - I guess nightssabres make pretty loussy beasts sof burden, and kodos or furbolgss are beneath Kaldorei dignity. Anyway, I followed them down the road for about five miles, then we turned off onto a ssomewhat overgrown trail, which led us to this sspot.

You had about a hundred folkss turn out for you, Legs. Tyrande Whisperwind and Sshandriss Feathermoon were both there, and Tyrande even talked for a bit. It was in Darnasssian, of course, so I didn’t undersstand any of it, but i thought it sounded suitably ssolemn and praise-heaping. From their tabardss, I could spot people from The Left Claw, and Parallel, and Aetherial Circle. There were also a few ssporting worn and faded tabardss with a design I couldn’t place, though it seemed familiar. I recognized Ratterss’ old friend Bellwether, and Kinnavieve’s friend Shianti. And of course the druid twinss were there. That Feral chick was even fully dressed - never sseen her do that, unless sshe on armor and was looking for a fight. Palintera, she got up and sstarted to talk. Too bad you weren’t here to translate for me; I was curiouss to know what sshe was saying. She broke down before sshe finisshed, though; completely losst it. Feralicious had to come up and lead her away. I think she was crying too. I actually felt bad for them, you know. I mean, they annoy me (maybe becausse they’re like a hundred years old but act like teenagerss, and I never got a chance to, I don’t know), but I know they cared about you too. Ssucksss all around, I guess.

After a while, everyone was done talking. They closed the coffin, and lowered you into the ground, and covered you with dirt. And then they left, and it’s jusst you and me, Legs. You aren’t coming out of there, are you? No more rebirthss for Vyprania. You know, all these yearss, I’ve never missed my eyes. Not until now. Because I really want to cry too, and I fucking can’t. Not a lot of people are willing to be friendss with the dead girl, the one with half a face and flesh rotting away, and kind of mean, but you were. And I--

I really--

I really miss you. I wissh you hadn’t died.




I gotta go.

Legs, I don’t know much about godss, and religion, and all that. I pretty much leave them alone, and hope they’ll do the ssame to me. Yeah, I tell people to “embrace the Shadow”, but that’s mostly because I know it makes them uncomfortable. I know, though, that Elune was sstill your goddess, after everything, and I hope, I really do, that wherever you are now, you are with her. But if you aren’t, if that just wassn’t in the cardss, then may the Dark Lady watch over you.

:: vanish ::

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Long Strange What The Hell?

If, like me, ya been workin' on Long Strange Trip this year, is time fer ta give up. As of this week, LST ain't givin' no more fast drakes. Nope, the reward now is apparently a funny-lookin' proto-drake what don't go no faster than 280%, unless ya pony up 5k.

All mounts that previously allowed you to fly at 310% have been converted to standard flying mounts, it is your skill that determines your flight speed. 

Now, LST were nevers about gear, or mad leet skillz. Ain't gonna be no easier at 85 what it were at 80. Was about time invested, doin' a lotta crappy achievements over the course of the year and bein' lucky with the RNG, with a big reward promised at the end. Ya gonna make promises like that, ya oughtta keep'em. Instead, Blizz done waited until after the patch were out and the rules changed fer ta say "ha-ha! fooled you!"

Few months ago, this were what was said on the matter:

In Cataclysm the plan is to allow level 85 characters to train 310% flying at which point all flying mounts will become 310%. Players with a 310% mount would be given the skill cost free.

Yeah, I know, it don't technically say thems what ain't got the achievement by patch day ain't borked. But it sure implies what they ain't. And on sumthin' like this, where yer downgradin' a reward what takes a gluggernuggin' year ta earn, ya gotta give folks notice. When the bear mount from ZF was goin' away back at the end of TBC, was plenty of notice. Months. Time fer ta organize an effort. Waitin' til now, then sneakin' in a little blue post what most folks won't even catch, is a crappy way ta treat yer customers.

'Scuse Me While I Heal This Guy

I's seen several unhappy responses ta the new Trees of Life. Me, I looks at them, and alls I can think is, separated at birth?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Monday, October 11, 2010

Didn't Win Nobel Prize Fer Economicals, Neither

Is a glubbernuggin' scam, I tells ya. Three buggers gets it this year, and ain't one of them evers singlehandedly destroyed an economy. How can ya understands sumthin' when ya ain't ripped it apart and studied it's entrails? Ask them buggers at the Royal Quillboar Stock Exchange, they'll tell ya - I left no stone (or desk, or junior stock broker) unturned when I rambled through there few years ago.

Mebbe next year I try not sleepin' with the judge's wives, see if that makes any difference.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Your King Is Dead

"Your king is dead, little Gigglesmash."

I looked up at him, and giggled. The damned nervous giggle I could never make go away, no matter how hard I tried. I was so frustrated about the giggle that what he actually said to me did not register.

"You will address me with respect, and with my title, Thane Egglesect. Darkrider Gigglesmash," I demanded. "Remember, I represent our dark lord here.”

“No longer,” he replied. “Your king is dead. Slain in his own throne room, by those sleshal the Argent Crusade, and their toadying lackeys. We are Vrykul here. We respect power! We follow strength! Your king, he did not have the strength after all, and now he is gone. It is time for us to find a new path. One without the bending of the knee to a tiny, weak gnome.” I saw several of his warriors falling in behind him, hands on their weapons. “Your time of dominion over us is at an end, Gigglesmash.”

No.... no, this could not be. My king was going to rule the world. He was going to destroy those arrogant fools who opposed him. I had stood by my king, when others of my order had deserted him - Mograine, Thassarian, Vyprania. I had given him everything. My name, my life, my dignity. I had served, I had been loyal. I had watched over these dirty, smelly beasts in men’s form for two years, preparing them for the time of their dark rebirth. My king had promised that I would be rewarded. I was to become a great creature of dread and horror, feared by all who saw me. And I was to lose this double-damned giggle.

Gone now. All gone. How could this be? The Thane was still talking, gathering up his courage, his lackey’s courage, but I heard none of it. My world was shattering. I could feel the jagged edges cutting my heart as they gave way. Tears stung on my cheeks, and my lower lip threatened to tremble. What was I, without my king? I was nothing - a gnome with no name, no friends, no future. How could my king have done this to me? He had promised me....

No. It was a lie. It had to be a lie. And there was only one way to respond to lies. I looked up into the Thane’s face, my eyes locking onto his. “My name,” I bit out through gritted teeth, “is Dark. Rider. Giggle. Smash.” And then I giggled. Dammit.

Twenty minutes later, as I rode out of the village, past Egglesect’s slowly cooling body, feeling the heat from his burning longhouse on the back of my neck, I wondered if now, at last, he respected my power.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I Say, Who Let HIM Into The Club?

So, I rides up inta the Light's Hope Chapel compound and hops off me worg in front of Duke Nicky. I plopped a coupla heavy canvas sacks on the table in fronta him. "Here ya goes!" I sez, all cheerful.

"What, pray tell," he asks, all aristocratical, "are these?"

"I show ya," I sez, dumping them out. "Is heads! These here be them glubbernubbers from Scholomance ya wanted, and these over here be the ones from Stratholme. See, here be Jaundice, and Lord Alexei. And this, back when he were feelings more hisself, was Magistrate Bart."

Ya know, we orcs is often green, and so's them goblins. But I never knew humans could turn theyselves green too. Were pretty neat fer ta see.

"You weren't supposed to bring me the heads," he sez, sounding rather miffed. "You were supposed to bring me their Scourgestones."

"Oh, that were too much trouble, goin' through they's pockets and all. 'Sides, they was bleedin' and all. Was icky. Much easier this way." I grinned at him. "I still gets credit, yeah?"

"I suppose...." He pokes around in the two piles, and pulls out a thing what kinda looked like a two-foot long rubbery sausage. "What in the Legion's deepest hell is this?"

"Oh, that be Ramstein the Gorger. Bugger's head were way too big fer me ta carry back, so I done brought ya his tallywacker."

"BLOODY HELL!" he shrieks, dropping it and jumping about three feet back.

Well, after that Count Nicky were ready fer ta throw me out on me arse, but cooler heads prevailed, and I got credited fer me kills. And when it were added all up, I got credited enough what fer ta be all exaltified them them Argent boys, whatever Argent means. Still sounds like a kinda fruit, ta me.

Galertruby's Guide To Build Yer Own Dance Studio

Since Blizzard be draggin' they's heels puttin' tagethers a Dance Studio fer us, young Galertruby done took it upon hisself fer ta figger out how ta make is own. Being a good and thoughtful lad, he be willin' fer ta share how he did it:

Garhhl. Gahhl galha Garrrahhalagh.

Gllah gahr allahhgrl ghallagl gah. Agh glahhgl glahhgl garrh gahhlahr glahhr, ga gallhahl! Aglhha gahllragl gllah aghhrla gahhllrah gah glaghhlh glahh. Aghahll garhhr glahhlglhaarhga ghallah allha, garrharlh agghal ga arhhh galahhargh. Glallh garrh, gahhlahglahhr agglh ahghlagl glagglha ga arhhh.

Gaghaha aglah agghr laghalagh grahagl, gaghaha glhahg agrgha laghahrag. Glhaggla agg larhg galhagga ghaha alahg, glah, gahaghga gahlgal allahg glha:
Glaglha gha, aggrahgl lahg gahhaglarh. Garrh glahaggl glha agghalarg agglahar ghaggl aglha. Agglh ahghlagla agh grrhal, gallha gra gahhllha gallraghl ahl lagglarh. Gahhaga:

Glahhgrl glah arrlh aggrhala gahhl glha. Glahg grahhglh glhhlhalha gahhr garrha, aglh glhha gharhl. Glhagl gllha ahhr glahhlglhaarhga ghallah allhag. Gllha garrharlh aglhha gahllragl. Gllah aghhrla gahhllrah gah glaghhlh glahh, gahhl aghhr garahhghlahhrgh aghraahl glhahhl gahhlah. Glah aghr Ghrallhahl gha gahrrlagahr agh gahlagh. Agghlagh garrh arhhlagh gahl grah glahhghl. Glahgl arhlg glah:
Glhargal glah agglha arglhaglh, gahalg aggla gahrlagghl. Laggharlag agglha gah. Aglh aglha gallh gahll gahrrallah. Agrhh glagglha gha ghrallhalha ghagglha gaharrgh glha agglahg, agh argalagh gahhll garhh ahhghr glahh.

Alhhagh gha,

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Black Morass Still Be Serious Business

Me and Zinzi What Gives Good Resurrection and Throttle What be Amazingly Viral was runnin' heroic Black Morass last night fer the reputations. Well, me and Zinzi was. Throttle were there 'cause Zinzi said "log yer lazy arse on so as we can get rep faster". Anywho. We'd done taken care of business with Drake Temporary, but it were a damn close call gettin' ready fer the next portal ta open - almost didn't make it in time.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Passed Over Yet Again!

The Nobel Prize for Medicine or Physiologies done been announced, and once again it be goin' ta some bugger what ain't me. How many bodies he done opened up with an axe this past year and ended they's physical functionings, I wanna know.

Damn Swedish flubbernuggers.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Anybody done seen Sigourney Weaver around here latelies?

Unlike that Rick Moranis bugger, I can hold fuhggin' aggro...

Friday, October 1, 2010

Ain't No School Like The Old School

Or were it "Ain't no fool like a big tool..."? Anywho, got me some spiffy Tier 2 last night. And some AssCandy. Checks it out.

Oh, and we killed a dragon. Were a joint The Purge / BLU (Black Leather Undies? Big Lumbering Unicorns? Whichevers. I cain't be bothered fer ta keep track of them details) operation.