Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Is A Big Pile Of Horse Poop

The call has been sounded.
The Argent Crusade beckons.
The Heroes of Azeroth have been summoned.

Pull the other one - it's got bells on it.

Let's look at the history of them buggers calling theyselves the Argent Crusade, shall we? Fer years, them Argent Dawn folks was holding they's ground out in the Plaguelands, except we now know what the Light's Hope Chapel is on holy ground and not even Arthas can get in there. Sure made the job easier, I guess, when yer enemies can't reach you. Meanwhile, old Tirion Fordring were doing the Yoda thing, hiding out in the woods. But now he's got hisself Ashbringer, all shiny from it's refurbishment, and he's like that guy in the raid what figures he nows how ta play yer class better than you does.

So now, what happens when these experts at hiding safe decides ta go on the offensives? Tirion's handpicked elite teams go and buggers it up, is what happens. Remember the Argent Crusade in Zul'drak? "Oh, I forgots ta issue the parachutes to the troops." "The troops are too afeared ta fight. Go buck'em up for me." "Oh dear, I think we should run away. Please go tell the troops so's I don't gotta go out there and soil meself."

Then there were Icecrown. Argent Crusade blows a hole in the mountain, goes charging in fer the sneak attack, and gets they's arses whupped. Dang near got they's home base overrun by the Nerboobies, if not fer me and some other adventurer types steppin' in and saving they's bacon.

Which brings me ta the subject of us heroes-fer-hire. We's the ones what been taking the fight ta the Scourge all these years. From Deatholme and Razorfen Downs ta Necro School and dead Strat to Azjol-Nerboobies and Naxx, we's done kicked they's arse and took they's names. We's even gotten ta be experts at fightin' undeads what ain't Scourgies, at Shadowfang Keep, and Stranglethorn Vale and Kara. Not even gonna mention living buggers we's done beat like Onyxia and Magtheridon and Illidan. Everybody knows we's the buggers what is gonna go make Arthas cry for his mommy - we's just gotta finish clearin' out the trash first.

But now the Argent Crusade done built theyselves an arena, and is wantin' everybody ta come play in it. So they can say they's teachin' us how ta fight, and they's pickin' out the best of the best. Pfft. Like they could do either. We ain't there 'cause we needs they's leadership - we's there fer the same reasons we go anywhere: gold and loot. Is what we do. They wants ta say they's leadin', that's they's business, long as they keep payin' us. But when the time comes ta get down and dirty with the bad guys, them Argent Crusader better shut up and git outta the way, and let us do what we do best.

And that word, "Argent"? I still say it sounds like a kinda fruit.


Dechion said...


Hellava way to start my morning off.

*wanders off chuckling and muttering about Azerol-nerboobies*

Hydra said...

I over look all of that because they were the first to bring us a slave child on a rope. Then the rope was deemed not such a good idea. So they gave the slave child a pony.

I am happy with my speedy slave child. The Argent Crusade has my vote.

Khol Drake said...

Is an argent some kind of citrus fruit? It sounds like a citrus fruit.

And hey, Ratters, you know the golden rule: "dem buggers whats gots da golds, dems da buggers what makes da rules."

scott said...

Don't get me startd on that alchemist they have working in Zul'Drak. If he spent a couple of minutes organising his reagents he wouldn't have to pay me to run back and forth fetching things for him, and then cursing at me when his potion doesn't turn out.

Bill said...

@scott I agree totally...that stupid lazy alchemist....drives me nuts!!

Thanks Ratters for that eloquent description of exactly how I feel...we're the ones bustin our humps to save their behinds and they have the nerve to tell us that they're leading this charge!!!


Misneach said...

Linked to this post from my blog. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Ironhelm said...

It will take me at least an hour to wipe this stupid grin off my face - you dun it 'gain!
In my head, you speak like this in your raid vents - no clue how the rest of the raid doesn't die from laughing too much.

Gauntlet said...

Brother Ratters speaks the truth!

Anonymous said...

I always thought "Argent" sounded kinda like another word for "Blue."

Bell said...

Argent means "silver."

But yeah, I look at the whole tournament thing like "WTF is this?"

Kayeri said...

It doesn't make much sense to me, either... I found Bellbell's analysis about Arthas and the Argent Crusade sitting down to brunch and deciding, "let's joust!" to be a pretty good analysis...

Vick said...

Well, crap. I was going to talk about something on topic, but somebody done asked a serious question and it got a serious response.

The Argent Dawn is basically the reformed "Silver Hand" that Arthas disbanded. (You can scream as loud as you want Scarlet Crusade, I'm not listening)

So they calls themselves "Argent" because "Silver" was pedantic... and I don't know how hand became dawn... Did they merge with some "Hand" group?

Linedan said...

Preach it, Brother Ratshag.