If Dr. Seuss Had Played WoW

Horton Punts A Gnome

Nerf Star-Bellied Sneetches!

I Had Trouble Getting To Solla Sellew because I kept getting ganked.

Magatha Grimtotem Can Moo! Can You?

Instead of stacking, The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins would have each taken up a slot in his bags.

Murlocs In Socks

Green Eggs And Ham would give a +20 Stam buff for 30 minutes.

How The Grinch Ninja'd The Guild Bank

Yertle the Turtle would be a tameable rare spawn on an 8-hour timer.

One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Goddammit I Hate Fishing

The Lorax would be a dual-specced resto / elemental Shaman.

The Cat in the Epic Pauldrons With All the Skulls and Smoke and Stuff

If Shakespeare Had Worked Fer Blizzard

Rosenpants and Guildenbubba would still be dead glubbernuggers.

Lady Vashj and Garrosh Hellscream woulda hidden they's love from they's feuding factions, with tragic resulifications.

The mats fer a Big Cauldron of Battle would includes "eye of newt", "baboon's blood", and "liver of a blaspheming Jew".

Instead of "kill ten rats", yer quest would be ta "write ten sonnets."

Alexstrasza would be played by a man.

If Shakespeare Had Played WoW

Romeo and Juliet would have been set on a PvP server.

When Lady MacBeth told MacBeth ta screw his courage ta the sticking place, he'd have replied "Yeah, but do the king drop any upgrades for me?"

Instead of "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more", King Harry woulda said "Let's do this!"

Richard III would have been willing to trade his kingdom for a rusted proto-drake and 310 flying.

The Merry Wives of Windsor would be planning to re-roll worgen druids in Cataclysm.

Instead of "Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war", Anthony woulda said "Kill skull first, then X. Sheep moon."

"Taming the Shrew" would be a 10-point achievement.

Julius Caesar would have avoided assassination by popping his treants, rooting Brutus, running out of the Senate and then shadowmelding.

The Merchant of Venice would offer rare crafting recipes on a twelve-hour timer.

Instead of the Saint Crispin's Day speech, King Harry woulda given the Leroy Jenkins speech.

Othello and Iago would always be blaming Desdemona  for not holding aggro.

Hamlet sooooo woulda blown up the guild with his drama.

If RL Was An MMO: Sex

You repeat the same 4-6 moves over and over, unless you're a bear - they just spam swipe.

You need to tune out both 247 random strangers making "anal" jokes, and your spouse sticking their head into the room to ask if you're at a good stopping point.

In addition to a condom, you should always keep a flask, five potions and a fish feast in your wallet.

Someone will always criticize your equipment, or your technique. Or both.

Doing it with a priest is socially acceptable.

You sometimes get someone good by calling out "LFM!", but usually it's just freaks and weirdos.

If it isn't going well, you can just say "afk cat on fire" and leave.

You will sometimes need to get up and move to another location, because the bed is suddenly covered in green toxic ooze. 

At the end, you get a 15-second buff: "Orgasm: a pleasant sensation of release." You will know you have achieved this because there is a small icon in the top right corner of your screen.

If Movies Was MMOs

Titanic
The S.S. Titanic tries to tank even though it is not def-capped, and is critted by an iceberg on heroic mode.

Toy Story
Woody, resentful over losing his raiding slot to the new toy, goes on the realm forums using his level one alt "Army Man #7" and accuses Buzz of being a ninja.


Raiders of the Lost Ark
Indiana Jones receives a three day suspension for exploiting a known bug when he uses his gun instead of his whip to one-shot a scimitar-wielding boss.

Rambo III
John Rambo would free the POWs from their bamboo cages, but he's already done that quest.

Snow White
Snow White is an easy target on the battlefield, having rolled a healer when everyone else on her team is a gnome rogue.

ET
Alien battle-rez ftw!

The Terminator
"Okay, Sarah Conner, when he transforms into a robot skeleton, that's Phase Two. He hits twice as hard, but his movement is reduced 30%, so you need to kite him around the factory."

Finding Nemo
Nemo's Dad grows increasingly frustrated that Dory can't remember if they're supposed to go through the trench or over the trench. I mean, it's not like she hasn't already done this quest on, like, thirteen other alts ffs.

Star Wars
Luke Skywalker wipes eighty-three times before successfully destroying the Death Star. He then farms it every week for the next two months, hoping that [Grand Moff Tarkin's Mantle of Villiany] will drop.