Him Gerald

If'n ya ain't read The Unvarnished Unadulteratified Memoirs of Gerald the Articulated Kobold yet, go. Now. Is an order.

Just don't take the poor bugger's candle.

Workin' Inna Coal Mine

Vyprania sez she wants ta go kill Arthas. That's fine, I sez. Stop dinking around in Wintergrasp, get you some raid gear 'stead of all that Titanforged whatnots and Pissed-off Gladiator's whatnots, and go learn how ta raid. So that's what she be doing.

Now, when I's doin' dps, 'stead of tankin', I basically just charge in, rip the first blunkernubber open, and spin like a fool whackin' everything in sight with me axe. What it lacks in subtleties, it makes up for in being a hella lotta fun.

But unholy death knuggets, they got them this, like, fourteen-step system fer ta maximize they's damage. Great googly moogly. Is all disease, disease, strike, power dump, strike, strike, strike, yadda, yadda, yadda, rinse, repeat. And there ain't no way fer ta practice this in heroics, 'cause, well,  the bugger's dead long before ya finish. So is off ta the target dummy, every day, learn the system 'til ya gets it right and can do it blindfolded in yer sleep underwater. I very glad what I ain't gotta do all that.

Would be cool ta have green floating skulls, though.

Is Flashbacks Time

Pretty Jessika over at Pretty in Plate done wants ta know what folks was up to one, two, and three years ago. So I browses me archives, and this be what I founded:

One Year Ago: I were in abouts me 75th season, takin' care of business with regards ta scourges, trolls, and scourgy trolls in Zul'Drak. Me and the Purge participated in the Amphitheater of Anguish, and I picked meself up a Really Big Hammer. Kinnavieve had retired from raiding with Aetherial Circle after tanking the bad guys in Naxx and the Obsidian Sanctum. Instead, she were relaxing in Sholazar Basin, holding aggro on bananas. And Vyprania totally got a bunny.



Two Years Ago: I was spending most of me time in me dwarf priest costume, melting faces in the Burning Steppes and allegedlies (but it were never proved) peeing on the statue of Anduin Lothar. By the end of the month, I done made it through the Black Portal to Outland, where I saw many wondrous things, including Fel Reavers and boobs.



Three Years Ago: I were just an orcling, abouts me 45th season. I done spent a good chunk of that month in Tanaris, killing pirates and farming wind elemental farts fer ta make me Truesilver Champion. Is still in me bank, that. Also, I gots ta spend an evening in Outland with the senior members of the purge, where I mostly got deadified in the Bone Wastes. Good thing Zinzi gives good resurrection.



Four Years Ago: I had not started adventuring then, or bloggings neither. But I can tells ya that I were spending much of me time tryin' ta gets outta doin' me chores on the farm, tryin' ta sneak over ta Sen'jin Village fer ta score some good ganja, and tryin' ta get Utha Spleenchewer ta play "Charge the gates of Stormwind". Mom'll tell ya, I was very trying.

Is Where Vyprania Gets A New Pet

Mouse, I got this in the mail. For pugging heroics, the letter said. What.... what is it?

It's a dog, Legs. Don't you have dogss in that big treehouse you come from?

No, we don't. But still, I've seen dogs before. Suptail hunts with one, and this doesn't look anything like him.

That'ss not a dog, that's a wolf. Dogs are supposed to be ssmaller and cuddlier.

But look at this thing. I mean, just look at it! It's nose is all pushed in, and it's tail is a useless curled up squiggle. It can't be a dog!

Eh, some people like them like that. What can I tell you, the living are a confused bunch of ssapsss, who form sentimental attachments to the sstrangest thingsss.

All right, I guess I can except that it is a (very strange) dog. What am I supposed to do with it? I don't think it would be of much use in a fight...

What everyone does with dogss, you dolt! Give it a name! Teach it to fetch your ssslippers! Make sure it doesn't crap in the Team Ratshag Ssecret Hideout (TM)!

A name? Like .... Dirtchomper?

Oh for frak's ssake! No! It's not a ghoul. You gotta give it a dog name, like Sspot, or Fido, or, or, or Kinnavieve.

Maybe I could name it .... Dog?

Legss, what am I going to do with you?

Ratshag note: Here's a gratuity pic of Buffy, the RL avatar's pug. Not sure how the bugger got her - ain't like he's geared fer heroics or nuthins.

Need More Cheese

Hello gentle readers.

Today I was in Dalaran, trying to get some cheese for Ranid Glowergold. You see, I only need four more cooking awards for my chef's hat. I'd already scrounged up some wine from half-empty glasses scattered about the city - that dwarf can't even tell red from white, let alone wine from vinegar. But I needed cheese. And since the patch a few days ago, the cheese shop has been desperately short of cheese. So you need to wait. And wait. And wait. And then grab it before anyone else does. At one point, I think there were seven of us in the shop, camping the cheese.

Stupid stinky patch.

Stupid stinky dwarf.

Stupid stinky cheese.

The Moistened Bint's New 'Do

This tasty piece of trollflesh, fer thems what ain't met her, is the Maidenof Drak'Mar. Say hello, you buggers.

She sits up in the lake in the far corner of Dragonblight, near them stairs inta Zul'Whichever. Got a thing fer winter hyacinths, so if'n ya brings her four she'll be gratefuls 'cause nobody ever comes by ta see her no more. So grateful that she'll done give ya a magic sword. So them Argent Tourney valiants been popping over ta see her and get a scimitar lobbed to 'em every few days fer months now. 'Cause she's so grateful fer them flowers what it's been so long since a traveler came by and gave her some.

Yeah huh. Bit of a short-term memory issue, this watery tart got goin' on. Sweet lass, neverthelesses.

Anywho, I's in me dwarf costume, gettin' close ta pickin' up another Crusader title, and is time ta go pick some daisies and get me another sword and Great Googly Moogly!

Apparentlies, she done took advantage of the downtime from this week's patch to climbs outta her lake and gert herself new threads, new hairstyle, and evens a new face. Is much less bad-ass Warsong Offensive shaman, more sweet-natured troll priestess. I thoroughly approves.

Dead Chicks Have Nice Butts

Helllooo .... Thiss is DangerMouse. I am Forsaken.

A while back, I posted this sscreenshot of myself, just to prove that over-sexed elf chicks aren't the only ones with nice buttss. Now  Vyprania has been doing a lot of fishing lately, and Ratterss reminded me that it has been a while ssince we have given you dirty-minded living readers a gratuitousss butt shot, so here is one. Enjoy the hormone russh.

Oh, for frak's ssake. I thought you living would like a chance to ssee the inner beauty and all that noble crap. Fine. Because I am a cooperative walking abomination in the eyess of nature, here she is again, without the iron boot flask:

It is a nice scene, issn't it, with the shattered highway of a dead civilization in the background and a drowning whelp in the foreground?

Fed Up ...

... with Brann Bronzebeard's terribad quasi-Scottish accent, Vyprania decides fer ta make an end of it once and for all.

Still Fishy To Me

Weeds? Empty Vial? Tangled Fishing Line??!? These just ain't fish in me book.

Still, is congo rats ta Vyppers.

Whiny Post Day?

Pffft. Yeah, bugger that. Got things ta hit with me axe, got exotic wimmens ta meet. Ain't got time fer whining.

Purdy

Some Fishes Is Fishier Than Other Fishes

So Vyprania the Death Knugget done been learnin' fer ta fish. Apparentlies she's gettin' tired of havin' ta ask Kinnavieve ta go catch up Dragonfins fer they's filets. Not sure what Kinna's gettin' in return - prolly makes Vyp polish her armor or some such. But I digresses.

Me point is, in my day, when ya caught a fish, it were, ya know, a fish. Not driftwood. Not tangled fishing line. And certainly not an empty rum bottle! Great googly moogly.

And one other thing - why is the rum gone???!?

Dance, Glubbernuggers! Dance!

The Purge is continuing our's efforts fer ta keep the rear echelons safe from a reborn Naxx while you major leaguers is huntings Arthas. Last night we busted our way inta the Plague Wing fer the first time. Was only seven of us on duty - we was missing master blasters Rym and Mr. Hoof. With only three dps we had some issues killin' them gargoyles before they could stoneskin and heal theyselves. "Fuhggit," I sez. "I gonna tank'em all." So Big Bad Guun got his fury on and whipped out his matching pair of ivory-handled axes (only a pimp from a cheap Southshore whorehouse would carry pearl-handled axes). We rumbled through them gargoyles just fine then an into Old Man Noth's crib. Lotta skeletons running around doing the "Rise my soldiers!" thing. "Fuhggit," I sez. "I gonna tank'em all." And I did.


After killing a whole crapton of icky things, we gets ta MC Heigan's Dance Studio. It were in fine form, with disco balls and an abomination spinning platters and a couple ghouls strippers up in dance cages. Gotta hand it to Heigan, he's put a lot of work inta the place. Everyone sez they's ready, so I throws me axe at the blutherdupper and we gets it on. Now this here were the first most of us had been to the Studio, and some of us had two left feet or our shoelaces tied tagether or got distracted watching the strippers. But we hung in there and eventually it were Heigan on the ground instead of us. Bugger slipped on a banananana peel or sumthin'.


Next week we's gonna go check out that Loatheb thing. I knows how ta tank him, and what instructions fer ta give the dps'ers about the spores. And Kinnavieve's told me there be something important about healing, but buggered if I understand it. I just gonna tell Zinzi and Tarsius ta stand in the back and waves they's arms like they always do.

I Likes It This Way Much Betters

Two years ago, I had me a set of tanking gear I were pretty happies with. Def capped, and plenty of stamina and armor fer anythings I were likely fer ta run into. Only problem were, I looked like a washed-up failure from that clown school. Ya know, the one where they carry axes. Today, I has me a new tanking set what I is pretty happy with. All the good stats, but now I looks like an orc warrior, not Bozo's "special" kid brother what wants ta be a axe muderer.


That were then:


This be now:


You buggers see the difference?