Thursday, September 9, 2010

Is Me Thoughts On Statues And Bigotry

Statues is funny things, I always thought. Ya takes a perfectly good piece of rock and spends yer day choppin' off the parts what don't look like a person. Is a fluggernubbin' lot of work, ya ask me. Or ask me sister Azhgula, what done got crippled doin' slave labors fer the humans, cuttin' away the pieces of a big rock what didn't looks like Anduin Lothar.

Now, orcs, we don't make statues. Mebbe a plaque nows and then, but we's rather spend our days hittin' buggers with our axes or meetin' exotic wimmenz. Trolls, they mebbe carve up a loa shrine or whatevers, but they's ain't spendin' they's time cuttin rock fer no purpose. Tauren, Fersakens, Gnomes, and Spacegoats, ain't none of them inta rock what looks like a bugger. Ya know who is, though? Humans, Elves, and Dwarves. These buggers, they's puttin statues everywhere, no matters how crazy it be. I means, look at these here examples:

Statue of dude wondering where he left his authenticator. And his pants.

Statue of poor woman what they cut her arms off fer ta make a statue of a woman with no arms of.

Statue of dude what they thought was dead, but ain't, but meanwhiles they's too busy cuttin' fer ta go recover cannonballs.

Now, let's talk about the Tournament of Beatin Buggers With Giant Toothpicks. A lot of us spent Patch 3.1 cuttin' down Crystalsong Forest and blowin' up Ulduar fer ta get materials ta build it. And when it were finished in 3.2, they done filled the place with statues. I mean, look at all the flubbergumpin' statues:
Notice anything about'em? I did. Is all Humans and Dwarves and Elves. Yup, even though everbodies helped fer ta build it, and everybodies done played with the toothpicks, is only the same races what fills they's cities and towns wit stones cut ta look like buggers. No Tauren, no Gnomes, no nobodies else. Now, does I think them statue makers sat down one day and said "Screw'em! They don't belong here anyways, so no statues of them!" No, I thinks it were more subtle. I thinks they done did what looked right ta them, 'cause it were familiars and comfortables and nobody done complained before. So, is were a subtles kind of bigotry. Still, bigotry be easy ta spot within even yerself if ya takes a few steps back and looks with both eyes at what yer actually about. When yer too lazy fer ta do even that, don't be expectin' fluggerbunkers like me ta be too damn sympathetic.

Now, the newest statue in Azeroth be the new fountain in downtown Dalaran:

Is theres fer ta celebrate the defeat of Arthas, what ain't really happened yet, but time be non-linear if ya hangs with mages or smoke enough ganja. But I digressifies. Point be, we got Tyrion of the Toothpicks in the center, and four dudes around him - two identical twin Orcs, and two identical twin Humans. Now, one could gives credit fer including somebodies other than the big three statue races. But one could also look at it and say, "Dude! What the hey? These guys is all equippin' shields and polearms." Now, which class goes ta battle with a shield and a polearm? That's right - none of them! The stone cutter buggers was too damn lazy fer ta make any effort ta represent that what represent the dudes what actually did/will do fer ol' Arthas. Is a fuhggin' mockery, is what it is. Biggest event in the history of Azeroth, and the gutternuckers makin' statues is too damn lazy fer ta take a step back, look it over, and say "dang, that don't look nuthin' like the buggers we's supposed ta be representing. How'd we be so careless? Is best we start over, do a proper job."

I's glad orcs don't make statues, if this be what it done does ta yer brains.


theanorak said...

Ratters, you're one of the smartest people writing about WoW I know.


Cap'n John said...

"Which class goes ta battle with a shield and a polearm?"

Um...Fury Warriors who think they're a Tank?

Ratshag said...

@Anorak - You clearlies needs ta get ta know more people

@Cap'n John - Titan's Grip don't work with polearms, so no, not even them.

Anonymous said...

Awesome, and +1 to theanorak's comment.

Wasn't there a dagger once that looked like a polearm, back in vanilla?

Bell said...

Gnome statues would have to either have ridiculous proportions or they'd need to stack them on top of each other to keep the height aesthetic roughly equal.

Also, goblins make statues. Outside Booty Bay is a whopper of one.

Sedna said...

Rats, you're wiser than any clothie I know. /salute

Ratshag said...

@Spinks - prollies. I always thought the Broken Promise sword from Naxx always looked like a mace.

@Bell - That Goblin statue always looked more religified than honoring a hero, in me eyes. "Please bless the ships entering this harbor, and may they's owners make a crapton of gold" er somesuch. So, not sure if they counts or not.

@Sedna - Yeah, you needs fer ta get ta know more peoples too.

Tam said...

What bewilders me is where they managed to get the orcish twins from - you normally have to pay quite a lot of money in certain establishments, if you know what I mean, to hire them....


Wonderful post :)

devotchka said...

Well done, as always! <3

Ratshag said...

@Tam - ain't that hard. Just gotta go ta the right section on Craig's List. Is always peons willin' fer ta rent theyselves out.

@Devo - Thankee!

Tesh said...

Ah, but if you clearly make statues of things that don't represent reality, anyone can see an idealized version of themselves in it. The less specific and "true" art is, the wider the audience that can see what they want to in it.

Cubism is still a joke, though.

Jezrael said...

Classic Ratshag! Insightful and humorous. Love your work :)

Ratshag said...


Then they should make'em all Murloc statues and be done with it.


Thankee! And thanks fer droppin' by - always good ta hear from retired (or hiatusified) bloggers.

Tesh said...

Hmm... cubist Murlocs? That's almost begging for a shirt design.

Oh, and since it wasn't obvious, I really like your article, and have no interest in defending those lazy Alliance sculptors. It's just... I'm an artist, and it's all too easy to poke holes in artistic falderal. The "rule of cool" takes way too high of a priority.