Saturday, December 10, 2011

Ya Wants More Interestin'? I Can Show Ya More Interestin'

Alex teh Z overs at WowInsideOuter done miserates what Varian Wrynn be boring as shite, and Azuriel at In An Age feels what is the whole dang Alliance leadership what duller than butterknives. "Horde has Wheel of Time meets Dune whereas Alliance has goddamn Jack and Jill meets See Spot Run," he sez. Me, I agree what Blizz done be tellin' the Alliance story with less sofisticationalishness than an episode of iCarly, but I'd say what the Horde side be better onlies in the sense what a turtle be faster'n a snail. Is still each race bein' all monolithic an' supportin' they's leader ('cept Grimotems, 'course, but everyone knows they's bad 'cause they all got black fur), Garrosh done murdered Cairne "by accident" and everybodies in Kaliomdor kinda shrugs, Sylvanas do be kinda doin' her own thing in the East but she ain't makin' any Putress-style moves, and the Blood Elves.... wait? Is they even still part of the Horde? They ever get a new king? /shrug

Lemme give ya a sense of what I considers interestin'. WoW, like most fantasy worlds, be kinda sorta loosely based on medieval England, right? So let's go ta the source. You buggers ever hear of a fellow name of Henry II? Henry were a rude boy, one tough flumpergupper. But interestin', so much so's they made not one but two Oscar-winnin' flicks about him back in the sixties, both starrin' Peter O'Toole. In Becket, him and Richard Burton was best friends what went wenchin' tagether, then killed each other over church and taxes. In The Lion in Winter, him and Katherine Hepburn and they's three boys (before they done grew up ta be Richard the Lionheart and John Lackland and the one nobody ever heard of anyhow) spend Christmas vacation schemin' and double-crossin' and plottin' each others' murders and gettin' in bed with James Bond the King of France. Is quite the shindig, and they does it all without any helps from demons or Old Gods or time stream monkeys. Just politics, middle ages style. I sez the Blizz folks needs fer ta sit down one Saturday with a big ol' tub of popcorn and some slurpies and watch these. Could mebbe get some ideas fer shakin' stuff up.

And the movies and even tellin' half of it. Henry's mom were supposed ta be the heir ta the throne, but she got pushed aside by her cousin 'cause she had boobies. So when Henry grows up and becomes Duke of Normandy and Anjou he gets hisself an army and sails ta England and kicks butt and basicalies forces the king fer ta make him the heir. Then he marries hisself Eleanor of Aquitaine, and betweens the two of them the rule half of France too. He done established the Platagefuhgginbadarse dynasty, what ran England fer the next three hundred years and done layed a lotta the groundwork fer turnin' the place from a dirt poor island hangin' out at Europe's bunghole inta the British Glubbernuggin' Empire. Henry reformed the tax system, worked fer ta professionalize the army, and advanced the notion of trial by jury. In the end, though, his sons were too much fer him and he were overthrowned by Richard I, what were allied with the King of France. Bugger died soon afters. Helluva life, no?

Now, what might that be like in Azeroth? Say young Anduin Wrynn done fell in with Prophet Velen's grandson, what afters ten thousand years were tired of waitin' fer the old coot fer ta shuffle off. Them and Moira Thaurissan all done plots tagether fer ta takes over they's respective factions, but Anduin hedges his bets by talkin' ta Mekkatorque 'bout mebbe the gnomes gettin' they's hands on all of Ironforge since it ain't all radiationified and all. Meanwhiles his brother Ricky be workin' on brokerin' and Alliance 'tween the Stranglethorn rebels and the Splinter Fist ogres with the intents of settin' up a power base fer hisself in Duskwood. And kid sister Jenny done been talkin' ta Varok Saurfang, Darion Mograine, and Rethiel the Greenwarden. Why? Nobody knows....

I ain't this is how it should be, I's just spitballin', tryin' fer ta shake up this boring-arsed blandness what been Alliance politics since Ony done got kicked outta Stormwind. Surely there be room fer ta have some more internal dynamics, and not always nice ones. Sometimes a bugger wants power, and is willin' fer ta make some deals in orders ta get it.


Grimmtooth said...

Oooor, Anduin could fall for Jaina and we go go all Jersey Shore. Tell me that wouldn't bring 'em back of Snooki was a raid boss.

But seriously folks ...

The problem I see with Blizzard is that when the execute whatever clever plan, they resemble Jeremy Clarkson carving a swan out of soap bubbles. Seeing as the only two tools he knows are the hammer and the Saws-all, all we know for sure is it has wings.

Well ... those COULD be wings.


They need to get a better director to script the quests and dialog. Dunno if Fargo was responsible for the whole Badlands black dragon questline (can't remember her name!) but that's the kind of quality they need to be steering towards. Not Jaina and Varian at Saurfang's landing.

"Jaina, why are you crying?"

"I found an unexpected extra quarter in my pocketses, my king!"

Grimmtooth said...

2nd post to get subscribed (stupid google)

Anonymous said...


Maybe Varian can offer to look for that said quarter? ;)

Couldn't get past level 2 on my mage/priest/hunter in the Human starting area. I tried several chars:(. Was bored to tears

Maybe lack of atmosphere, or decent music or the holier than thou missions. Meh!

Even riding the vast plains of Durator gives me more pleasure.

Kusamoto said...

I leveled a Worgen up to 76 just to see some of the new content from the Alliance side, and let me tell you, from 1-20 was fantastic for the furry dogcritters. 35-50 was a little grindy, but 50-60 got fun again.

Then I tried a human priest, and a little piece of me died. It. Was. Torturous.

It really seems like whoever wrote the new Horde questlines was the senior writer and they farmed out the Alliance stuff to someone's high school Sophomore english class that had just finished watching Kenneth Brannaugh's Henry V (edited for TV version).

The Bitter Fig said...

King Bronzebeard, awakened from his imprisonment, cannot stand Moira's scheming. He murders his daughter, and taking his grandson in his arms, leaps into the fires of the Great Forge.

Let's also see some renegade faction of Draenei decide that reunification with their Manari kin would be a worthy goal. Civil war in the Exodar.