Darrowshire

So, I's been running around in the Plaguelands lately. I's been there once before, knocking over plague cauldrons and busting ghouls outta outhouses, but once I reached me 58th season I dropped'em faster'n a smoking hot peon skull and haulled arse fer the Dark Portal and shiny new Outland. So, is a lotta unfinished business. Ain't much of a challenge no more, what with Naxx and most of the Scarlet Pimplnels run off fer ta gets they's butts whipped in Northrend, but still is buggers willings ta pay ya ta smack down other buggers, so here I is. Usually I expects ta be paid in gold and loot (what I can sell fer more gold), 'cause that's what repair buggers and high-class whores want from me, but this other day I did a job fer just a cup of tea with some sugar. Lemme tell ya about it.

Darrowshire ain't exactly what you'd call a thriving community no mores. Boarded up windows, overgrown lawns, giant blood-sucking bats flappin' around, skeletons lying in the streets - is a real shithole, I tell ya. But ya never know what crazy-arsed blunkerthumper might be hangin' around, willings ta pay fer goatsbane seedlings or spotted troll dick (don't look at me like that - is a pudding!). So I goes in and checks it out. Ya know how ya thinks ya seen it all, after you done pretty much seen it all? Well, you ain't.

This here be Pamela. Say hello, you buggers. Poor kid don't realize she's dead. Or mebbe she didn't remember what it were ta be alive. I's just a simple orc - existantialistcs like this ain't me best subject. Hitting buggers with me axe is. But I digressifies. Anywho, kid asks me ta go find her dolly - is out in the town, and she's got strict orders ta stay in the pile of rubble what used ta be the house. So I goes and gets it fer her, genociding a buncha ghosts along the way. Then she says can I go find her daddy - poor bugger went off to war and never came home. I figure he prolly bought it and rotted away in a shallow grave somewhere, but since she's dead too she ain't likely fer ta hold it against him. And I remembers how I missed me dad when he went off ta war, and how he weren't around ta lovingly beat me with a tree branch ta toughen me up. And I said sure kid, I go find him.

I talked ta his sister. She's dead too. Runs in the family.

I talked ta some scarlet dudes. They had not seen him.

I talked ta Chromie, the vertically-challenged dragon. She checked the book and said, yeah, here he is. Looks like he got scourgified and betrayed and murdered his brothers-in-arms. Just like Darth Vader, only with much less midichlorians. Oopsies. But take this here bag of hocus-pocus, sez Chromie, and drop it in the middle of the town. It'll reverse the flow of chrono-positrons, enabling a phase-shift of the multiversal cross-matrix, inducing a polarizing field of blah blah blah for forty-five minutes she talked, and all I understood was, kill the ghost of the evil dad, and then it'll free the ghost of the good dad. Killing. I can do that.

So back I goes to Darrowshire, and drop the bag in the middle of town square. Nuthin' happened fer a minute, then I starts seeing the spirits of the town militia fade in, like a polaroid what never quite finishes. Then spirits of ghouls and skeletons starts ta show up, and we has us a good old-fashioned rumble in the streets. 'Bout the time it looks like the defenses is gonna hold, dad done gets an evil glow in his eye and starts whackin' down his friends. So that be my cue ta set things right.

Evil dad was a feisty glubbernudder, and he had him an army of the dead backin' him up. But in the end, I fuhggin' put his arse down.

And then, were just like the little dragon said. All them soldiers done faded away, good dad's ghost appears and, after a minute of just sorta standin' there askin' "Oi! By the Light, what was all that scrum? I say!" or however it is them pasty-skinned humans talk, he started walkin' home. And his little girl was there fer ta greet him. Was a very touching moment, if I does say so meself. Woulda shed a tear or two, if I was the sorta bugger what does that. And then the kid went a fixed me some tea with sugar, which were one of the nicest quest rewards anybody ever done give me. Utterly useless, but nice.

And since I's sure one of you buggers'll bring it up, yeah, I has seen Cranius' movie about Pamela. In facts, I'll embeddifies it here. Is basically me story, onlies the names is changed fer ta protect the innocent and all that legal fuhggery. Is very good movie - you should watch, if you ain't befores.