Monday, May 14, 2012

Is Where It Be A Bad Fuggin' Time Ta Be A Pirate

So, the other day I was up in Everlook, sittin' with Bozz Frammerwhizzle, the local muckety-muck, an' drinkin' some Uncle Bonechomper's Day Old Piss, when I sez ta him,

"Hey, Bozz? We been doin' business tagethers now an' then fer what? over five years now? So how's come yer shopkeepers is only givin' me a 10% discount, insteada, say, 20%?"

"Well, Ratshag," he wheezed. "It's not that we aren't Honored to have you in our modern metropolis, but the 20% discounts need to be earned and, well, I'm afraid you just aren't there yet."

"Great googly moogly, I done done every flupperjubbin' mission what needs doin' here. Ain't no more buggers with yellow thingydoodles floatin' over they's heads. So what hell ya more wants me ta do?"

He done gave me a sly look. "You could ... maybe ... kill some pirates for us?"

Pirates. Always gotta be the damn pirates, when yer dealin' with these Steamwheedle goblins. They hates the competition. "Um, dude...." I sez, lookin' around. "We's in the mountains. There ain't no pirates, just yetis and them furbloggers."

"Oh, no, not here," sez Frammerwhizzle with a dismissive wave. "But if you could see your way to kill a few down by Booty Bay, that would do. I owe the Baron a favor, you see."

I shruggifalized. Booty Bay. Is some good horizontal refreshments down that way. "Okay," I sez. "'Bout how many dead pirates ya be needin'?"

"Not that many. I'd so, oh, nine thousand or so would suffice."

Nine thousand. Sure. While yer at it, pull the other one. Is got bells and jingly monkey paws on it. Nine glubbernunkin' thousand. It ain't what I cain't do it, seein' as I's amazingly virile an' all, but where hell I gonna find me nine housand pirates, all conveniently close ta each other so I ain't got sit around fer hours waitin' fer more ta show?

But a funny thing happened, shortlies after I got there an' started doin' jobs fer the locals, whackin' the odd pirate her or there. Them pirates done launched a full-scale attack on the town, thousands of 'em crammed inta the ships holds. That's right. Thousands. An' as long as I don't tell the Baron what I killed eight of them buggers already, they's trapped in the harbor. Can't leave. Ever. Just gonna sit there an' respawn every few seconds. Sumthin' about the Pirate Code an' needin' fer ta par-lay. I cain't be bothered fer ta remember the details.

Is time fer ta unleash hell. Gonna stack them bodies like poker chips in Vegas.

Sucks ta be a pirate this week.

No comments: