Saturday, February 27, 2010

Melee Priest FTW

I's been puttin' on me dwarf priest costume some latelies, melting faces and gearing up a bit. Finally got all me old Mount Hyjal and Badger of Justice gear replaced. Anywho, I's were in the Pit o' Saran Wrap the other day, hopin' fer the Staff of Dirty Little Secrets ta drop, but no such lucks. I did, howevers, win the greed fer this here Beetle Stabber. Is a most excellent weapon fer a melee-specced priest like meself.

Gonna go find an enchanter what to puts Berserking on it. Then ain't no beetle gonna be safes!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Is The Return Of The Fantsy-Pants Vampire

Me real-life avatar done went and wrote another story about Alecksander Liyosh. If yer interested, is over here.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Is a Dubious Cheesement

Now, I admits, I didn't pay much attention in history class. I were much more interested in playin' "Truth or Night Elf" with Utha Spleenchewer. Howevers, I did learn me a few things, such as: We orcs ain't from this world. We came over in me dad's generation after totally buggerin' up our own place. Once we got here, the humans was rude ta us, so we burned they's crops, sacked they's capital, and violated the dignity of they's monkeys. (I don't quite get the monkey part, but I's pretty sure I rememberfies we talked about it in class one day when I weren't payin' close attentions. Anywho.) Then we chased the dwarves inta they's hidey holes, forced Alexstrasza to put her kids ta use as the Orcwaffe, got the trolls ta attack the high elves, crossed the ocean and chopped down a buncha trees what was holy ta them Night Elves 'cause they remindified them not ta go blow up the world with magic or sumthin'. Yeah, and somewhere in there one of our leaders Ner'zhul went and played with demons and became the first Itch King, and we all know what mess that started.

Me point being, while today we orcs is mostly decent buggers, why is these ancient elders happy fer ta see me? They ain't my elders - my elders came on piddled on they's planet. With demon piddle. So how come they's all "Thanks fer coming - here's a coin and some fireworks"? I don't get it. However, it do get me that much closer ta me turbo-drake, so I ain't complainings.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Always After Me Lucky Charms

Them goblins, they never did ask for they's toolkit back, so I's still pulling lucky charms off'n dead buggers, long after I's Love Fooled and everythings. No idea if they's gonna be any good next year. I mean, maybe Ellspeth and Alayda and all will be able ta get they's own Love Fools with no efforts. Or maybe Thrall's gonna go, "Year old ghoul teeth? Bugger that!" Or maybe the universe will shift and them bracelets'll be soulbound next time.

Or maybe I'll get sick of all that junk fillin' me bank and toss'em. Even if they is magically delicious.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Rating Me Titles

Is a fuhgin' fine title, full of class and prestige. And if that ain'ts enough, ya can still hit the glubberthubbers with yer axe. A-

More beer! A+

Bein' ables fer ta cook yer own meals while out in the field is damn importants. Bein' ables fer ta cook yer own meals and have'em taste good? Is priceless. B

Is knights in shining armor, riding over the hills, slaughtering the infidels, all that. I likes the slaughtering part, but keeping me armor shiny is a royal pain in the whatsit. B-

Oh fuhg no. D

of Orgrimmar
Who wouldn't want fer ta be associated with a booming metropolopolisity, full of happy, excited peoples looking to create a glorious future fer the Horde? A-

of Sen'jin
Place smells like fish. Even Vol'jin don't hang out there. On the other hand, is a good place fer ta score primo ganja. B-

of Silvermoon
Full of prissy elf-boys and creepy-ass magic brooms. And creepy-ass robots. And arcano-fascist goon squads. And when they's gonna get around to having a new king anyhows?. C

of Thunderbluff
Who the fuhg builds they's city on top of cliffs? Few mugs of fermented tauren milk, steps out fer ta see a man about a kodo, and whooooooo-hooooooo-hoooooooo splat. Bad urban plannings, is what it be. C+

of Undercity
Creepy-arsed place full of ooze and folks just waitin' ta test out they's New and Improved Plague of Yuck on ya. On the plus side, has the cheapest rates fer professional horizontal refreshment outside of Booty Bay. C

the Explorer
"Because it's there!" is a damn fine reason. On the other hand, rinding all over Bloodmyst Isle fer ta unlocks "Spot with two spacegoats" and "Spot with three spacegoats but one be dying" were the sucks. On the gripping hand, getting ta say "Swiper no swiping" is kinda fun. B

the Love Fool
Didn't that used ta be a tv show back when, with a congressman runnin' around gopherin', and all the boys wonderings if the captain's daughters boobies would be showin' this season, and a short dude on airplane-spotting duty? Or is I mis-rememberings from me childhood... Oh well. B-

Monday, February 15, 2010

Well Hello There

Ya can meets some interesting glubbernuppers when you's out pitying the fool. This here be Sappy Heron, and me and Unsuptail the Hairy Death Nugget ran inta him up in Naxxxxamass. "Thaddius! Loatheb! Who's minding the damn door!" he shouts out. Apparentlies, we'd walked in while he were getting his bones polished and joints lubed, and it were an embarrassments fer him. We apologized, said we show ourselves out, and come back when we had some more friends with. Ya know, fer a proper social engagement.

Friday, February 12, 2010

How 'Bout Them Apples?

Oopsies. Turns out old Galgar back at the Valley of Trials been waiting fer me ta bring him some apples fer over three years now. Sorries about that, bro. I tries ta be more prompt next time. And thanks fer the Cactus Apple Surprise, and that rockin' +2 Stam buff. Oh, and spirit too! Hot dang. I gonna save'em fer me next raid.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Is Where Ratters Boosts His Google Hit Numbers

Jaina Proudmoore pictures naked porn

Now excuses me, while I sits back and see how many pervs I can snares with this one.

Good thing Jaina's a sport about all this.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Is Where Vyprania Is A Trendsetter

Well, buggers is runnin' all around Azeroth with they's Charm Collector's Kits, ripping pieces off of everything they kill lookin' fer bits they can use fer ta make charm bracelets fer the powers what be. Now, I can see Varian or Sylvanas goin' fer such doodads, but to Tyrande Whisperinyerear really want a bracelet made of wolvar teeth and murloc toes? I dunno; power do weird things ta buggers.

I gots ta say, though, that the idea of turnin' pieces inta jooleries ain't a new one. Vyprania be the team's grand master joolcrafter on the Alliance side, and she been doin' such fer a long time. See them three danglies hangin' off her left ear? Yeah, they's all pretty what with the gold and thorium figglries and the black pearls, but when she started they was the index fingers of Noth, Gothik, and Grand Slam Faerlina. That necklace Phoenicia's wearing? Made from Hakkar the Soulflayer's toothies. Prince Keleseth's thighbone got scrimshawed down inta some real purdy chopsticks fer me ta eat me Chineses with. Galertruby shoots craps with dice carved from Keli'dan the Breaker's broken skull. In a different style, Vyp's got Moragg's big middle eyeball all shrunken and preservified and encased in plastics hangin' from a chain on her right ear. This bein' a family blog and all, would be impropers fer me ta tell ya where Ellspeth wears Instructor Razuvious' similarly treated 'nads.

So, go pry the teeth outta that dead ghoul and make yer bracelets fer yer 'chievements. Just keep in mind ya can put a little more efforts inta it and get ya something really unique.

Friday, February 5, 2010

How It Really Went Down

Not-Yet-Dead King: I'm not dead yet.

Living Paladin: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.

Dead King: Well, he will be soon. He's very wounded.

LP: I can't announce victory with him like that. It's against regulations.

N-Y-D K: They used saronite bombs to exploit an in-game mechanic. I think I'll go for a walk.

DK: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?

/72-hour ban
/Not-yet-dead King dies

LP: No king, no king, la la la la la la...

DK: Idiot! There must be a king! Otherwise the restless Scourge will be an even greater threat to this world. Control must be maintained. Otherwise they might go bar-hopping with that hooligan Ratshag and his friends. Go rhino-tipping in the Borean Tundra. Run Freya's panties up the flagpole! There must always be .... a Lich King.

/ominous music

LP: This means I get to be king? Cool!

Dead Paladin: Oh hell no! I got poisoned, I got burned by that big red bitch, Kinnavieve ran of with my shield, I got this really wicked "Flame on!" action here - I should be king!

LP: Dude, you want some ointment or something?

DP: No, just gimme the crown.

LP: Oh, okay

/crown on Dead Paladin's head

DP: Sucker! I mean, uh, go tell them that the Lich King is dead.

LP: All right. Say, do you mind if we do this again, only with more, like, gravitas? I want to Fraps it.

DP: No one may know what was done here today!

LP: Oh, don't worry, it's just for my personal use. Not like it's going to end up on YouTube or anything.

DP: In that case, sure. Not-yet-dead king, you want to take it from the top?

N-Y-D K: Father! Is it.... over?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Dwarven Cursing

Yeah, i got no fuhggin' clue what she were sayin' neither. But Kinna said she sounded 'frickin pissed'.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Is Where Maurice Finds A New Interest

Well, hello there, my sweet little apple blossom. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Maurice, the Death Knight of Looove, and I am preparing a Heart Strike just for you.

Morani? What a lovely little name, for such a lovely little person. Did you know it sounds like "moron"? Ha ha, it is to laugh. I made a joke, did you not see? Now you must laugh too.

Oh, so you have heard of me? I am not surprised, for the ladies, they do talk. No doubt, many who have swooned from my overwhelming presence have gone home to tell their friends. They discuss how wonderful it would be to possess me, do they not? Perhaps some yearn for something delightfully outré, such as a ménage à cinq, or perhaps even à sept? Ho ho, they are so delightfully naughty.

You are a paladin, I see. It is a noble calling is it not? I was once a paladin. Maurice, the Paladin of Looove they called me, the scrumptious ladies of Lordaeron, and oh how the swooned as I walked past. I wore glorious armor, and wielded a mighty sword.... Ah-ha, but I do still wield a mighty sword. No doubt you are anxious to see it.

Ah, so it is Kinnavieve has mentioned me to you? Yes, my jaw has healed nicely, thank you. Such a feisty vixen, that one. So full of energy and a zest for life. Clearly she wishes me to pursue her more, but I am too cunning for such a simple game. No, I am biding my time, laying a trap, waiting for her needs and urges to become so great that she must needs come to me.

She has been training you to be a Soldier of the Light too? Ha ha, that is noble of her. But my sweet little nectarine of passion, you are a dwarf! You are too short to be a soldier! And it is a hard, cold life. Come, let me carry you off to my bunker of love, where you will rest on silk sheets, and smoke the finest hashish in the hookah, and I will teach you how to use your tongue to-


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